THE BLOG
02/06/2014 09:53 pm ET | Updated Apr 08, 2014

Cache of Higgs Bosons Found in Church Basement

Less than a year after the first Higgs boson was found in the suburbs of Geneva, Switzerland, the world of particle physics was rocked last weekend when a hoard of 36 of the itty-bitty particles was discovered in the back of the basement of the First Trinity Church in Cambridge, England.

"It's like Christmas day around here," laughed church rector Peter François at a press conference convened to display the particles, each tightly sealed in an individual mason jar. "Literally we had been searching for these elusive buggers for decades." The so-called "God Particles," believed to help explain why other subatomic particles have mass, were apparently hidden beneath a pile of priests' vestments and other dark matter.

Physicists from all over the world have converged on First Trinity, colliding with one another at high speeds inside this magnetic environment for the chance to take an individual Higgs boson home for study.

Others, however, think this discovery deserves zero spin.

"Oh, sure, now they're just popping into existence spontaneously," groused a spokesman for CERN, where the first Higgs boson was found in a manner that is starting to seem rather expensive and laborious. "Try finding the first one."

Similarly, Stephen Hawking, who famously asserted that physics would have been more interesting if the first Higgs boson had not been found, claims physics has now become "deathly boring" and announced he is switching his concentration to jazz theory.

In honor of the Higgs-boson find, the church will have Mass today.