Three Steps to Kick Social Anxiety and Become Comfortable Approaching Anyone

I was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. - John Keats

There are people who don't think twice about addressing a room full of new people, a table of potential clients, or an attractive single in a bar.

Then there are the rest of us. But in a world of relentless competition, you can't afford to let social anxiety hold you back. It's wasted opportunity. So what to do?

For many people, the fear of meeting others is closely tied to the fear of public speaking (a fear that consistently beats out death as the one thing we dread most). Some of the world's most famous speakers admit to feeling similar anxiety. Marcus Buckingham, for example, who's addressed thousands as a speaker and millions as a guest on Oprah has said that he gets "throw-up nervous" before every engagement.

Try these three steps to tame your natural anxiety:

1. Acknowledge that your fear is perfectly normal. You are not alone -- and fear is not an excuse for inaction.

2. Recognize that getting over that fear is critical to your success. The choice isn't between success and failure; it's between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.

3. Commit to getting better. How? Some ideas:

• Find a role model. Have your most gregarious friend wingman for you at a few events. Watch what they do, and over time, adopt their techniques as your courage builds.

• Learn to speak. Join an organization such as Toastmasters that gives you the chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment, with an instructor who can guide and push you.

• Get involved. You'll feel most comfortable when you're doing something you enjoy with others who share your enthusiasm. So become an active member in a club or organization, and ultimately take on a leadership role.

• Just do it. Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn't matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you've never spoken with. You'll find that it gets easier and easier with practice.

As you reach out to others, don't worry about failure! As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, "Fail, fail again. Fail better." Fear debilitates. Once you realize there's no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person -- no matter how seemingly beyond your reach -- becomes an opportunity to succeed.

What are your tried and true tricks to bust through nervousness while speaking to a group?

Follow Keith Ferrazzi on Twitter: www.twitter.com/keithferrazzi

Comments

[toptalker]

The advice to join Toastmasters is much appreciated. This organization is doing wonders to increase the self confidence and communication skills of members all over the world. Want to overcome the fear of facing a room full of strangers? Visit www.toastmasters.org to find a meeting near you.

[cavallo]

At one time I was nervous about public speaking. Then I had to give a speech to a group of about 800 people in a big room in a Hilton Hotel. I followed a U.S. senator.

As I looked out from the podium at the audience, I realized that these people were friendly and didn't care if I made a mistake, which I didn't. They just wanted to hear what I had to say. I spoke for about ten or 15 minutes, looked out, & felt that I had an amazing amount of control over these people, and that I had them in the palm of my hand.

If the occasion should arise, I would look forward to public speaking.

[mikey2]

I, too have always had social anxiety. I ended up in a job where I had to perform a lot of 'info briefings' for various sized audiences, etc. These classes ran from 1 hour to as much as several full days of teaching. I would get 'throw-up' sick everytime for a full week prior to each engagement and have never been able to conquer that. Ironically, I was very, very good at standing in front of an audience (any audience) and was actually sought out by some of our clients.
As I said, I could never get rid of that panic prior to going on stage, but I did learn two very important lessons that got me thru these things and made me a halfway decent public speaker: First, always know what you're talking about. Know your subject inside and out. The rest will take care of itself - to a point anyway.
Oh, and the other thing? Look good.

[royevatom]

Waiting for a Bus in Manhattan late in the evening I spoke to a another rider and we struck up a conversation. Others joined in and I was amazed as I rode along thinking about what had just happened.
Standing in line outside a restaurant in southern California I asked a waiting patron; why does no one speak to each other in California? He said "because you don't know if you will be treated humanely or not".
We live in a society where arrogance and attitude are encouraged through competition and assumption. Conjecture and supposition, conversational lying, situational ethics........
It takes being well prepared and Courage, nothing more.

[Ben6768]

Thank you Keith, I will give it a try !
Cheers

[Ginnie20886]

Several years ago, I had to speak at two funeral services within 30 days. One was for my mother and another was for one of my closest friends. Both days were sad and reflective, and both had "standing room only" crowds. As I got up to the podium each time, my knees were knocking so much that I was actually worried I would stumble. I took a deep breath, and I noticed that everyone was looking at me (of course!). Instead of speaking to the wall, or into the air, I started picking out faces in the crowd and moving my eyes around. Invariably, my visual target would smile when my eyes greeted theirs, and I was instantly more relaxed. Although I had practiced and had notes, the words flowed naturally and I was even told that I had a future in public speaking!

When faced with new challenges, I try to remember this wonderful quote from Wayne Gretsky:

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

[Ms Fu]

Thank you for your comment. I've had generalized anxiety disorder for years, including pretty severe social anxiety. I'll keep this advice in mind the next time I speak to an audience. Again, thanks.