Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

This inquiry was submitted to us recently, and we thought we'd share our response here, in the hopes that it may help someone else who's struggling with similar questions.

Hi Keith and Maura,

I bought your e-book and read the whole book and loved your Prince Keith and Princess Maura intro, which was very nice. I am emailing you because I am a little lost and starting to go through a hard period and I want to do what I can to stop myself from getting into that hard period. I usually wouldn't email someone I don't know but your bio and how sweet you guys seem inspired me to take action. I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

I live in LA and moved out here with my boyfriend/fiancé about 1.5 years ago. We will have been together for 4 years next month, but about 2 weeks ago he broke-up with me. Everything was going great for 3 years, and then after that somewhat up and down. A little bit I realize now that I was doubting some of his love; I wasn't allowing myself to fully accept all his love and I don't know if subconsciously I thought I wasn't worthy of love, but even though sometimes I would feel this way I was always loving towards him. We are still living together and are friendly and nice to each other. I know that he still loves me because I can see it in him, but he doesn't know if he wants to get back together. I don't know if he needs space, wants to see other people or what. We are each other's first real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am still very much in love with him and want us to really make things work and be the way they were or better. I thought about us and me, and I'm ok being alone and I can deal with us not being together so that's not the issue or the reason I want us to be together again, but because a part of me keeps telling me that there is so much potential and love with us. A part of me feels such a connection with us. We want the same things in life, have the same views in life, are compatible on so many things, etc. I feel lost as to what I should do.

Also I don't have any friends. And I never really paid much attention because I was focused on my career and relationship with my boyfriend. But now that we've broken up I realize that I don't have any friends and realize how alone I feel. I would love to have a group of good friends.

I want to mention that this line is what drew me to your work -- "If I told you that we can take anyone, and show them how to get exactly what they want in all of their relationships" -- and I really want to build a strong soul-mate relationship and surround myself with loving friends. I feel lost and am feeling pain in my heart at this moment. Any advice from your expertise would really, really be appreciated. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

First of all, thanks so much for sending us this message. We're glad to hear that you enjoyed the book, and while it's great that you were inspired by the introduction, it's the information and action steps in the rest of the book that will really support you in creating what you want in your relationships. If you haven't yet gone through the book a second time and done the exercises that follow each step, we highly recommend you do so now.

Secondly, good for you for reaching out and taking a step to make things better for yourself! We have each personally experienced that feeling of loneliness that can come up during times of transition, and we know it's not always easy to resist the temptation to isolate ourselves and spend our time wallowing in self-pity. Even the best of us need extra support now and then, and there's certainly no shame in admitting that.

Although it may not seem like it right now, this breakup could be a tremendous blessing for both of you. But regardless of what it is for him, the best thing that you can do right now is to focus on your relationship with yourself. Take this time to ask yourself what worked for you and what didn't work for you in this relationship. You may feel a very strong connection with this person, but are you really compatible in every way? You may love him very much, but are there parts of yourself you have neglected during the time you were together? Take an honest look at yourself -- and the relationship -- and you might be surprised at what you find.

Even if, after asking yourself these questions, you still feel that he's the one for you, there is one more question you can ask. "Don't I deserve someone who truly wants to be with me?" If it's just that he needs to space -- maybe to work on his own relationship with himself -- then he'll come back when he's ready. But if he really doesn't want to be with you then he is not the one for you. He may have every other quality that you desire in a mate, but none of that matters if he's not committed to you.

If you think your feelings of unworthiness may have pushed him away, then it's important that you take this time to heal that part of you. You may feel like you were always loving towards him, but you can't just give love in a relationship and expect it to work, you also have to be willing to receive the love that is given to you, and until you learn to love yourself fully you will not be able to fully receive his love.

Your instinct about creating friendships is a really good one. We suggest you find a place to meet like-minded people, such as a social group, learning center, or church group. There are many opportunities for this in the Los Angeles area, from the classes at The Learning Annex, to the various local groups found on Meetup.com, to the Agape spiritual center in Culver City (home of Dr. Michael Beckwith, who appeared in the popular DVD movie, The Secret), which is where the two of us met. Just a little bit of online research should get you pointed in the direction that will work best for you.

And finally, perhaps the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on all the things that are working right now in your life, and be grateful for those things. This attitude of appreciation will help you to move through this challenging time with grace and ease, and it will also help you to move swiftly in the direction you want to go -- toward having that strong soul-mate relationship you so deeply desire and being surrounded by loving friendships at the same time. You deserve this, and yes, you CAN have it!

Remember to do all the exercises in the book, if you haven't already, and if you feel you could use more personalized support, you may want to consider one of our coaching packages.

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

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Comments

[OtayPanky]

Keith and Maura: "...if you feel you could use more personalized support, you may want to consider one of our coaching packages."

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It's good to know you're there for us all.

Thank you so very much.

[SensibleAmerican]

Why are solutions to relationship problems filled with cliches?! "Concentrate on yourself", "this break-up is a blessing", "heal yourself", the list is endless!

I think we have reached such a point of political correctness that we cannot even say it like it is! No break-up is a blessing! It inflicts a wound and leaves a scar. You should have "concentrated on yourself" when you were in your teens, when you were busy aping others and those who caught your fancy in the media. Lastly, stop falling in love for all the wrong reasons and when you do fall in love do not create a coccoon around yourself, insulating yourself from the rest of the world. It is as fanciful as thinking that the stocks will keep rising and that house prices will always go up!

My contention is to fix the problem at the source. Teach your kids to be strong and to develop their own personality. Be themselves and not an idea/image of themselves. Do not be brainwashed by media sterotypes. Learn to scratch the surface and look within instead of falling for a guy who the media creates as "hot"! Have a relationship for yourself and not to impress your friends. Last but not the least, have a huge support system: at work and at play. Life does not revolve around a relationship and it definitely is not a bed of roses! Bet on a horse that is not only good for sprints but will also survive a marathon!

Find someone for the long haul and not someone who makes you feel good and look good right now!

[OtayPanky]

Sensible American writes: "Why are solutions to relationship problems filled with cliches?! "Concentrate on yourself", "this break-up is a blessing", "heal yourself", the list is endless!"

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I feel your pain, Sensible. You may want to consider one of Keith and Maura's coaching packages.