Dear Keith and Maura,

I need your advice...

I met the woman that I love four years ago and we started a long distance relationship. We each had another person in our lives and were both unhappy. We looked to each other for happiness. Four months into the relationship she left her man. I did not leave my woman.

We continued the relationship and we opened our hearts and not our mouths. She went back and slept with her ex and it hurt me very much.

Time went on and she decided to move back to the area she grew up in, which is the area I reside in. When I questioned her various times as to why she was moving back home, she said she wanted to be close to her best friends and family. She never told me that her true intentions were to move back up here to be closer to me, in hope that I would leave my home and my other woman.

I reached out to her on various occasions and asked her if she could be the woman that I wanted, as far as being on the same path so that we could grow and reach our goals together. She took that as me trying to make her prove herself worthy, as much as I told her that was not it. I just wanted to make sure she was up to working towards what I wanted for us both in life.

Time goes on and my woman at home decides she wants to get married and starts the ball rolling. I tell her I don't want to. The ball stops for a few months, then starts again without me being involved. My lover finds out from family members that there are plans for a wedding. She asks me if it's true and I tell her, "No, I didn't ask anybody to marry me and I told her no when she asked me."

I found out that the ball had started rolling again and so did my lover. We never talked about it, other than her asking me if it was true. I took her not saying anything...and moving to NY to be with friends and family...and not saying she is on the same path with me...as she wanted to play the position that she had been playing. I was kind of hurt with that, but at that point I figured I would stick in there and she would want more.

I had been with my now wife for 17 years, on and off, and I felt that I owed her a wedding. We had been through a lot and I had made promises to people that I would always be there. I was getting married for the wrong reasons. First, I didn't see marriage the way most see it - for me, it was just a piece of paper. Second, I thought the things I didn't like would change. Third, I didn't realize the only reason I was even tolerating things at home was because of my lover. I figured if my lover didn't want me like that, I'd probably just get married and make the best out of it (wrong answer). The morning of the wedding, I called my lover to give her one more chance to say, "don't do it - I want you and we are on the same path." I called and said, "hello," and just listened on the phone and waited for her to say, ''don't do it,'' but she never did. I thought she knew it was my wedding day, but it wasn't until I hung up that she realized that was the day. We continued to see each other and we never really talked about what happened.

Four months into our relationship, she starts seeing somebody else - a younger guy (not that age matters, but I feel they are at two different stages in their lives - she is a 29-year-old with a 13-year-old daughter and he is a 23-year-old college student with a full time job - again, it's not the age, I just feel his short term goals are not her goals and his long term goals are her short term goals). I try to let them see each other on the side, but I just have too many feelings there. I get mad and say, "I'm done," then she tells me she has stopped talking to him. She finds out she is pregnant by me (four weeks pregnant). She tells me they just went out a few times and never had relations. She decides to get an abortion and I support her, only because I feel that all I can do is support her. (I wanted the baby and she did too, but we didn't tell each other how we really felt.) She has a miscarriage a few weeks later.

So now he is out of the picture and she tells me how she wanted us to be on that path. I tell her, okay, let's rebuild what damage we have done (me getting married and her seeing another guy) and let's set a date in four months for me to get my things in order to leave my wife. I realize that I'm not happy at home, I am only happy as long as my lover is in my life. We go on with what I think is building the relationship, and then I find out she never stopped seeing him, and now she has been sleeping with him. This is a big wake up call for me and I feel I'm not going to stay were I don't want to be any longer - I have to show her I'm for real. I leave the house (I've been gone for three weeks now). My lover continues to see this guy because she says if she doesn't give something else a try, and we get back together and it doesn't work out, then she will always wonder if she should have done it. She says she never gave up on our love, she just felt that she would play that position forever and didn't want that. She tells me she is confused and right now she is going to still see this other guy, but wants to be friends and have me in her life. She tells me she has a craving for him and when it's done she is coming for me.

We have loved hard over the years, and we have reached each other's souls, and we both agree that we found love that people married all their lives have not found, and will never find. I feel that the only wrong we have done was to not communicate with each other how we felt - we opened our hearts and not our mouths. My question is, now what do we do? What do I do? What does she do?

Long Time Lover in New York

Dear Long Time Lover,

Well, you are certainly right about one thing - the lack of communication has been a real problem for you and the one you love. But that's not the only problem.

At the very beginning of your letter, you say, "We both had another person in our lives and were unhappy. We looked to each other to make us happy." That was your first - and biggest - mistake. Trying to get your happiness from another person is the worst way to start a relationship. Not to mention the deception of seeing someone else behind the back of your woman at home. When you are dishonest with others, you are dishonest with yourself, and when you are dishonest with yourself, you attract dishonesty from others. Isn't that exactly what ended up happening to you?

So what's the solution?

Well, now that you have left your wife, and your lover is not sure what she wants right now, you are in the perfect position to spend some time rebuilding your relationship with yourself. Until you do that, you cannot expect any other relationship to work for you, because every relationship you have will tend to reflect your relationship with yourself. As long as you are disloyal to yourself (such as by staying in a relationship that is not right for you, or not communicating the things that are most important to you), then you will continue to attract disloyalty. If you are unhappy, you will attract unhappiness. If you are not committed to yourself, you will attract a lack of commitment.

Like it or not, you must completely release the need for your lover to come back to you, and find a way to create what you most want all by yourself. Doing that will give you the greatest chance of her coming back, but if she doesn't, you must let her go and allow yourself to attract someone who is an even better match for you, so you can have the life you've always dreamed of.

Here's our best advice for you. Think about the qualities you loved most about being with her. How did it make you feel? Loved? Wanted? Connected? Understood? Safe? Fulfilled? Joyful? Free? Alive? Satisfied? Make a list of all the qualities you desire, and know that you deserve to have all of this and more. But you won't be able to attract it or to really take it in from someone else until you give it to yourself first. So ask yourself these questions: How can I experience these qualities more in my life right now? How can I love and connect with myself more, and share that love with the people in my life - not necessarily romantic love, but the caring and compassion that connects my heart to theirs? How can I understand myself better, and stand up for myself, and the things that are most important to me? How can I experience more joy in my life right now? How can I be more free and alive? How can I give myself more experiences that leave me fully satisfied?

You may have different questions, based on the qualities you put on your list, but this should give you an idea of how to go about asking questions that will move you in the direction you really want to go.

We hope your wife will also take this time to work on her relationship with herself, because she deserves to have someone who will be there for her because he really loves her, and not just because he feels obligated to make a commitment.

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

To read other articles, or to submit your question for Keith and Maura, click the link below:

http://www.relationship-masters.com/ask-the-experts.html