THE BLOG

How Could This Be About Me?

07/20/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Dear Keith and Maura,

I just found your website and podcasts yesterday and they totally resonate with me.

I am a very active youthful 55. I was widowed suddenly at 32 with 2 babies. My soulmate died and I was lost and devastated. I banged around for 10 years raising my boys, working and trying to find a similar loving relationship as I had. I met losers, liars, cheaters, alcoholics, and abusers. I came from a pretty sheltered existence and didn't do well in this strange world.

I met a man 10 years later that seemed to want a growth oriented, loving, communicative relationship, but it was all talk. I am now divorced, filed for bankruptcy, and once again I'm lost and devastated.

I have been alone for almost 4 years. I work hard on myself with counseling, reading, listening, meditation, etc. I don't like being single, yet I won't get into a relationship just to be in one.

I met a man a couple of months ago who seemed to want similar things. When I let down my guard and got close, he wigged out and told me he might have intimacy and commitment issues.

I feel so lost and lonely and don't know what to do. I live in a rural state that attracts loners. I want to share my life with a healthy growth oriented man. I think I am worthy of a good relationship. I'm a giving, empathetic person. I don't know how to cope with this feeling that I might never meet anyone. This is so important to me.

Thank you for reading this.

Lost and Lonely in Vermont

Dear Lost and Lonely,

Thank you so much for contacting us. You are obviously someone who is willing to take an honest look at what is working and what is not working, and take personal responsibility for making your life the way you want it to be. Good for you!

Now it's time for you to go a little deeper.

Although it may be hard to hear this, everything you have gotten in your life, you have attracted to you. All of the experiences you have received from others are a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. The reason we know this is true for you is because it is always true, for every one of us. That's why it's called the LAW of attraction. It's like gravity. It works the same way all the time. No exceptions.

So, this is not about blaming others, but it's not about self-blame either. Everything you have done up to now is perfect. And everything that was done by others is also perfect. It got you to where you are today, and today you are much, much closer to getting what you want. So thank them and thank yourself as well.

Then what...?

Well, you really have no control over other people, as we're sure you've already realized. So the only relationship you can really work on is your relationship with yourself. You've already started doing that through the counseling, reading, meditating, etc. But obviously you are still missing something, since you still feel alone.

In order to take full responsibility for your situation, we recommend that you look closely at what you have attracted over and over, and ask yourself, "How is this a reflection of my relationship with myself?" You see, the way others treat us is not a reflection of how we treat them, as we may have always believed should be the case. The way others treat us is a reflection of how we treat ourselves.

So in your case, here are some examples to look at:

The first thing you told us is that you lost your soulmate.

Ask yourself: How have I lost myself?

Next, you met losers, liars, cheaters, alcoholics and abusers.

Ask yourself: In what ways have I felt like a loser? How have I lied to myself? How have I betrayed myself? What have I been addicted to? How have I abused myself?

Then you met a man who proclaimed to want the same things you did, but he was "all talk."

Ask yourself: How have I been "all talk" when it comes to my own growth and self-love, and unwilling to be truly open, honest, and clear in my communication with myself?

And then the last man you met, when you let down your guard, ended up having intimacy and commitment issues.

Ask yourself: What does self-intimacy look like? How can I be more committed to myself?

We recommend you make a list of all the qualities you want to experience in your most ideal relationship, and then list all the ways you can bring those qualities into your life right now, in ways that do not require another person to be or do anything for you. Then start putting that list into action, and watch what happens.

Whatever you do, don't give up now...you are almost there!

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

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