Dear Keith and Maura,
I have been seeing a gentleman who lives in Texas. I live in British Columbia. It's been solely online with use of web cam and email for about eight months. We get on every evening to spend our time together for about two to four hours. We haven't skipped an opportunity to get to know each other.
He had planned to come up for an initial visit in December of this year to spend Christmas with myself and my two children. Everything had been going just fine, with the exception of a disagreement here and there, which is normal, however this last week as his arrival day got closer I noticed he had been nit picking in my direction quite often, so I confronted him.
He said he loves me and is just nervous to come up, but looks forward to it, and I'm the yin to his yang, however the response I got to why he insisted on nit picking and trying to find something wrong with this relationship was, ''I am nit picking to find an excuse so I can get out.'' I myself was hoping to hear at the end of that comment, ''but I cannot find one'' but instead it was just silence.
Between his I love you's, his promise to be here, and his I want to be with you's, coupled with this comment, I am ultimately confused about what he wants, and when I try to get clarification on what this means he gets very quiet, which is his general nature, and states I'm reading into it wrong. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I care about this man very much. This is someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and he has said the same to me. So I'm coming to another for advice before I make a very rash decision or possibly find myself making a very big mistake.
Confused in Canada
Dear Confused,
Thanks for your very compelling inquiry. You have described the situation well, and we can definitely understand why each of you might be feeling a bit uncomfortable at this point. Eight months is a long time to carry on a long distance relationship with someone you have never met, and even with a web cam, it is really not the same as meeting in person, as you obviously both realize.
Another possibility, which I'm sure you have considered on some level, is that this man has been less than honest with you about his situation, and he's trying to make excuses so he can end the relationship without having to tell you the truth. Spending several hours every evening with someone can make you feel like you really know them, but how can you be sure about how he is spending the rest of his time, and who he is spending it with? This is not meant to make you paranoid, or accuse him of something that may not be the case, but just to get you to step outside your feelings and look at the situation objectively for a moment.
Rather than worrying about making a "rash decision" or a "big mistake" why not just relax and take this one step at a time. The most important thing for you to do right now is to be clear inside yourself about what you want and deserve, and at the same time, not to be attached to a particular outcome. Attachment to an outcome is a sure sign that you are coming from a sense of fear and lack, and that is no way to begin a serious relationship. Your commitment is to yourself and your children, first and foremost, and when you honor that commitment one hundred percent, you'll be amazed at how much clearer you will be about whether or not this man is the one for you, how much easier it will be to let go and move on if he is not, and how much better the relationship can become if he is.
So you might want to ask yourself, "How can I honor my commitment to myself one hundred percent?" and just see what shows up. Meanwhile, go easy on yourself - and him - and allow both of you to take the time and space you need to feel comfortable taking this very important step.
Many Blessings,
Keith and Maura
To read other articles, or to submit your question for Keith and Maura, click the link below: