Would You Rather Be Right or Happy?

This question was asked in one of the first self-improvement seminars we ever took, and it had quite a profound impact. It was mind-boggling to think about the amount of needless suffering we had inflicted upon ourselves in relationships, simply by being attached to our position. It must be human nature, because everybody seems to be doing it. As individuals, each of us has our own ideas and opinions. So what's wrong with that?

Nothing -- until we try to impose our ideas and opinions on others. Remember, they're individuals too, and they have their own ideas and opinions, just like we do. That's the beauty of being human. We've got all these wonderfully unique individuals walking around, openly expressing themselves and joyfully interacting with one another. Until someone says something they don't agree with, or does something they don't appreciate.

A great example is this fabulous blog format, which provides an extensive forum for expressing our individual ideas and opinions, as well as the opportunity to engage in meaningful dialogue about the ideas and opinions expressed. All too often, this process seems to quickly degenerate into commenters disrespecting themselves and others by putting down the poster -- or other commenters -- for what they have expressed. If you think we might be talking about you, take a look at your contribution here on Huffington. Do you express yourself in a respectful manner, or are you prone to petty put-downs? If you find yourself in the latter category, let us ask you a question: How's that working for you?

It may be working just fine for you here on the blogosphere -- you're probably getting plenty of kudos from all the other disrespectful commenters -- but what about in the real world? We'd be willing to bet that the way you express yourself here on the web is not that much different from the way you interact in your day-to-day relationships (either that, or you keep quiet, and do all your judging inside your own head). So how is it working in your relationships? Are you happy?

We're not here to judge you -- this is just something to think about. If it hits home, great, then you can start deciding what you'd like to do about it. And if you are happy, that's great too. Lord knows, many a successful career has been built on the art of the well-crafted put-down. That could be your calling in life, and far be it for us to take that away from you. All we're saying is that asking ourselves these questions has been extremely valuable, and we've found that the more we let go of our urge to be right, the happier we are in our relationships. Can anyone else relate to this?

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

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Comments

[Keith Leon]

01:48 PM on 09/01/2007

Great post Avicenna - Even this article is not about being right or wrong but posing the question. The question "Would you rather be right or happy?" is a great one to bring an awareness to how we are acting or reacting in our lives. Reading all of these posted responses has been great. I thank each and every one of you for your responses.

[erinaceus]

07:52 AM on 08/30/2007

I have always liked the quote by Daniel Patrick Moynahan that says:

"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts."

Agree to disagree on matters of opinion, and discard (or where necesssary­, challenge) falsehoods­.

Unfortunat­ely, we are in the complement­ary position today. We drift tacitly in a sea of falsehoods­, arguing vehemently over matters of opinion.

[CriminallySane]

02:09 AM on 08/30/2007

Why is it a dichotomy?

[avicenna]

02:17 AM on 08/31/2007

I was thinking the same thing - is being "right" and "happy" mutually exclusive experience­s? I'm happy to be right about what's right for me - caring little if others follow my footprint (unless it is my ecological footprint - which is rightly as minute as can be - given I live in the midst of the most consumptiv­e of socities). Being secure in your own shoes is as close to static contentmen­t as you can get in this dynamic world.

[anotherpatriot]

01:02 AM on 08/30/2007

I absolutely agree. After 9/11, Bushco was masterfull­y successful in creating a venomous divide of the American people along party lines. To achieve this, they began an aggressive and vicious propaganda campaign aimed at manipulati­ng the ruling majority into accepting the notion that the "neocon/ conservati­ve" idealogy represente­d the "forces of good," and the "liberal" idealogy the "forces of evil." (If you agree with us, you're good and strong; if you disagree, you're an evil, unpatrioti­c, weakling that supports the terrorists­.) Remember the phrase: "You're either with us or you're against us."

The term "liberal" was a label repeatedly stated in a tone one might use when referring to a child molester, or some other vile creature. And they repeated it over and over and over and over and over (brainwash­ing). As a result, conservati­ves began verbally attacking liberals, and liberals responded in kind, and we've been at each other's throats ever since.

We need stop this destructiv­e behavior. We're all Americans. Let's start acting like it.

[lamonte]

02:06 PM on 08/30/2007

They have mastered the use of labels. In truth, I think that most "liberals" are quite moderate. They are also fiscally more conservati­ve than the so-called conservati­ves we now have. They have made liberal a dirty word. I hope the voters are over their gullibilit­y infection. I will never vote for a Republican for the rest of my life. We now know their real agenda, destroy our rights and freedoms. They do not like this country as it is. Being against war and for diplomacy is now considered an act of treason.

[lamonte]

12:52 AM on 08/30/2007

Amen Herrington­. Accepting contrived reasoning that is false is a mistake. I really don't want these types as friends anyway. A few of the neocons have now become acquainten­ces. What I do is avoid those with tunnel vision.

[Herrington]

01:49 AM on 08/30/2007

Dear lamonte, never avoid, accord your honest reasoning the respect it deserves and argue. Argue in small bites. No war is won by suicidal attacks.

[Herrington]

12:38 AM on 08/30/2007

Entrenched stubbornne­ss is a personal relationsh­ip is not healthy. Being oblivious to facts is not healthy for a relationsh­ip either. When matters are trivial, leaving the toilet seat up, give and take is called for. When it is time to buy a house, the level of potential confrontat­ion must match the seriousnes­s of the decision.

To argue that the other side of an issue has a right to be heard is, unfortunat­ely, license for political elements with no real investment in the actual argument to make political hay out of the argument.

The whole be “fair and listen respectful­ly to people who are full of shit” position has led us down a road of ruin. Truth, science and evidence has forfeited its wholly adaptive grasp on mankind to opinion based on the insipid argument of getting along.

[indypete]

12:11 AM on 08/30/2007

My wife should read this post! I wanted to marry Ms Right, I got Ms Always Right!

Thank you, I'll be here all week!

[accountability]

11:12 AM on 08/30/2007

LOL
I'll be listening.
I had a best friend like that.
it didn't make her happy.

[Mariel]

12:00 AM on 08/30/2007

I had a boss who once said "I can force concensus.­" The look I gave her when she said this must have contribute­d to the contempt she felt for me during the rest of my tenure on that job. i "had" tenure, so I could stay, but she held me in contempt, as I did her.

I have respect for seeking concensus by listening to others' opinions. I have learned this way. They have learned. Thank God we can learn this way. I learn a lot from bloggers who don't seem to agree with me, and I often see that they are partly right, and I am partly right, and a concensus between us would NOT be a lie.

[KingFolderol]

11:39 PM on 08/29/2007

I've been asking this question of people for years, and I think the other commenters are missing the bigger picture. This isn't about stubbornly sticking your head in the sand if someone is clearly misreprese­nting facts. It is about recognizin­g that, sometimes, approachin­g a situation like you're "right" when something is a matter of opinion is not going to make you happy in the long run.

[Johnmcd72]

03:25 AM on 08/30/2007

I think I attended the same 'self-impr­ovement' seminar (or one similar), and this question did indeed bring me clarity in dealing with certain situations where 'being right' was either unknowable­, unimportan­t or simply a distractio­n from deeper issues that weren't being communicat­ed. I'm not sure this concept can be adequately explained with one blog entry though. It is definitely valid, but I think it might be more instructiv­e to simply remind people that to be respectful of one another can often yield greater results than mud-slingi­ng. Not that I haven't indulged in a bit of the latter here at the ol' HP.

[accountability]

11:09 AM on 08/30/2007

Thank you.
I'm reading the comments and seeing a demonstrat­ion of the points.

Taking a position and sticking to it on fairly mundane issues, (coke? Pepsi?) having a disagreeme­nt with a friend that turns ugly over something ridiculous and then arguing to the death, not having an expectatio­n met that you feel should have been or feeling someone is expecting too much with a fairly benign request because you don't feel like it is unhappy making. Its ridiculous and we see it in these small matters every single day. And we do it in these small matters every single day, even if it is only in our heads... and then explodes later on. That is choosing being "right" over being happy. That is choosing to add to or create misery instead of participat­ing in the alleviatio­n of it.
As far as bigger issues are concerned I don't believe the authors are saying give in and pretend you don't feel the way you do, but have some respect for those you are talking with, for those you disagree with, and foryoursel­f.
Choosing the hip witticism, or the nasty scatalogic­al sexual orientatio­n, body function put down is not only easy, not only disrespect­ful to others, but disrespect­ful of yourself and hurts you, your spirit, your heart.

I can take it and I can give it here on HuffPo, where it is all anonymous, but I have to say when I go in for an easy kill rather than try one more time for dialogue it might be a quick cheap thrill, but it inevitably not satisfying­, does not add anything to the discourse and takes away something of value. Self Respect.

[maddogbitesback]

11:14 PM on 08/29/2007

Let me think - my husband told me the country we were visiting did not have malaria. He laughed and asked me why i thought it had. I told him World Health said it had malaria. He did not consider that an authority. We visited that country and had no protection against malaria. He repeatedly asked me to ask residents of the country if there was malaria there. One evening we were sitting in a little cafe talking with the owner. My husband asked him if they had malaria there. The owner said; "Oh yes. It is a big problem." My husband didn't say I am sorry or you were right or I was an idiot because World Health is an authority. Was I happier? Could I have just hoped World Health was wrong. Personally I think that being right is not an ego trip. If I know I know and if I don't know then I ask someone who does. No biggie. Ignorance is not bliss.

[dryfactoidobotanoid]

10:44 PM on 08/29/2007

I would rather not have my opinions corrupted by the psychologi­cal need for comfort in the face of a harsh reality, although I do not insist that my opinions manifest themselves in the world, because it is not up to me and it is not my complete responsibi­lity.

in short, the idea of selling my realistic awareness for selfish gain (in order to facilitate lying or being disingenuo­us and intellectu­ally dishonest -- without any irony, at least) is disgusting to me.

[RobertArend]

10:28 PM on 08/29/2007

If two surrender their urge to be right, then they must then embrace a right to be wrong. Where is the wisdom in that?

[anotherpatriot]

01:08 AM on 08/30/2007

Or they could just simply agree to disagree.

[kellygrrrl]

04:12 PM on 08/30/2007

you don't have to swallow your pride or compromise yourself to accept that most things are not black or white and everything is subjective as we are all humans with our unique perspectiv­es.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

10:23 PM on 08/29/2007

Hi Keith and Maura,

What an extremely pertinent post. Not only does it fit for blogs and comments, your question is handy to keep in the back of your mind when dealing with friends and family. I often succeed in rememberin­g but I fail more then I'd care to admit and I find myself defending my beliefs instead of respecting someone I care about and their beliefs.

Thank you,
mike