You Better Believe It

Dear Keith and Maura,

My boyfriend and I talk on the phone constantly, but lately he doesn't seem to have as much time. He always tells me he loves me but I'm feeling dismissed and don't know how to handle it. What should I do?

Unfulfilled in Alabama

Dear Unfulfilled,

This may sound backwards, but focusing on someone else's behavior does not often get us what we really want.

You say you are feeling dismissed, so we will assume that you would like to feel embraced, loved, cared for, attended to. If you spend your time second-guessing why your boyfriend is behaving the way he is, you will only make yourself crazy. You can (and probably will) make up a million different stories in your head, and whether or not they are even true, none of them will make you feel any better.

Instead, we recommend you take his behavior - and your reaction to it - as an indication that you may have some work to do on your relationship with yourself. You may want to ask yourself, "In what ways do I dismiss myself, and how can I embrace myself more, love myself more, care for myself more, attend to myself more?" Just think about all the things you would like to receive from him, and find ways to give them to yourself.

Here's an example:

Before we met, Maura always wanted to experience a totally romantic valentine date. Every time she was in a relationship, when Valentines Day rolled around, her expectations were impossibly high, and she was always sorely disappointed. She expected her boyfriends to read her mind, and know exactly what she wanted. She expected them to feel the same way she felt about Valentines Day, and to enjoy the same things she enjoyed. She wanted them to make her feel special, but no matter what they did, it was never good enough.

Once she finally realized that she did not need a man to make her happy, Maura began to find ways to fulfill herself, and to give herself all the things that she had always wanted from a man. When Valentines Day came back around, she made a list of all the things that would give her the perfect valentine date, and to her surprise and delight, they were all things she could do all by herself! She planned the whole evening ahead of time. She sent herself flowers, with a beautiful card (signed by God) saying all the things she wanted to hear. She rented her favorite "chick flick" and after she enjoyed the delicious dinner she had prepared for herself, just the way she liked it (and by candlelight, of course) she watched her movie in total romantic bliss. By the end of the movie, she was feeling so wonderful, she never even felt the need to take the romantic bubble bath she had planned for herself - she was already completely satisfied!

Now you're probably thinking, "Oh, now come on, how could you possibly experience romance, and be completely satisfied, all by yourself?"

Our answer: we have no idea. We don't know how it worked, we just know that it did. And what we now understand is that as long as your feeling of self-worth or fulfillment is dependent on somebody other than yourself, you will never be truly satisfied. And all you need to do to change that is to make a decision that you are willing to try it a new way. You must be willing to believe that it's possible for your own self-love to be more fulfilling than any other love you have ever known. If you believe it's possible, you can make it so!

The other great thing about this method is that it works just as well when you are in a relationship as it does when you are single. Just start taking your focus off of your partner's behavior and putting it back on yourself, by asking yourself the types of questions we mentioned above, and taking action on the answers you come up with. Then watch what happens in your relationship.

Now we're not saying you should ignore your boyfriend all together, but start putting your focus on what he is doing right - the things you really love about him. And when you notice something you don't like, then turn it back on yourself, and see how you can change it in your own behavior toward yourself. When this process is done with real self-love and true commitment...magic happens.

And remember not to be too hard on yourself either. It's not about blaming or judging, it's about observing and creating. Creating the life of your dreams. The life you were always meant to live. Have fun with it!

Many Blessings,

Keith and Maura

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Comments

[SethGarrison]

Great Example Keith and Maura

We can only know what we want, not what someone else wants. Guessing usually leads
to misunderstanding and frustration for our selves. We can only be responsible for how we react, not how the boyfriend acts.

When we believe we don't need another to make us whole and happy and when we fill our selves up with what we desire, then it's easy for our love to overflow to another.

When two people have that perspective, like you say, that's when magic happens and life together flows so much easier.

No expectations - No disappointments.

Seth

[DrKarenKan]

Keith and Maura demonstrate great wisdom in their reply. I truly hope this reader is open to discovering her wonderful relationship with Self and the true SOURCE of happiness and love in her life.

Also, I absolutely LOVE that they tell us not to be too hard on ourselves too because I've found that in not blaming another person for how I feel, I have often blamed myself instead! Compassion and understanding of oneself is just as important as compassion of others.

Bravo Keith and Maura!

Dr. Karen Kan
http://www.lawofattractioninlove.com

[motiv8s]

Dear Keith and Maura- How interesting it is when we see how much we can come to expect our partners to fulfill all of our needs, and to realize that they too, like us, are flawed and will let us down. This is even more true if we set those expectations too high. In addition to the steps you outlined, consider also the results that can come from communicating the desired outcomes and needs to your partner so that they know what you're actually looking for. Taking the guess work out of the equation. Perhaps first answering the other questions mentioned in the posts for yourself and then sharing those with the other side. I know for myself personally I need my wife to be very clear and very expicit as to what she'd like me to do for her. I don't do hints well. In fact she's often told me that while she's telepathic, frankly I'm tele-pathetic. How true that is. Once the gates are opened for that free flow of communication, there is a lot less stress, a lot less disappointment and a lot less room for error on my part. Thanks for the article and keep 'em coming.

[KellyM]

Keith and Maura,
I completely agree with the advice you gave about looking to yourself for your answers. When we are dissatisfied with others it is often a mirror image of what we are unhappy with about ourselves. I have been single for 8 months now in a journey to find who I really am. I created my 'wish list' for my perfect guy and I noticed that everything that was on my list was a quality that I liked about myself. When I wrote out what I didn't want I realized after some time, that those were things I was unhappy with with regards to myself.
Maybe the dismissal your writer is talking of is a result of her dismissing something in her life. I had a difficult time with this in the beginning, thinking I was always right and everyone else needed to change, but the universe is exactly the way it is supposed to be and the lessons we learn are there for a reason. When we look to ourselves that reason becomes apparent and we often wonder why we didn't realize it before.
Life is a learning curve...to learn about yourself.

Peace and love,
Kelly

[bethinCary]

I think another thing peope seriously need to ask themselves is "what does love mean to me?".
Love can be honest--but it can change to be "attachment".
Some women/men may want that-but to me it denotes someone who is looking for someone to make them happy and are not happy with themselves. Or are looking for someone opposite them-to "balance" them..
That's not an altogether wrong way to think--but it can become attachment as well-as undue burden of "therapist, decision-maker, fixer.." is put on them/you..
Too many times people jump into emotional attachements by sleeping with someone before they actually know them--so that all of the negative things are overlooked since sex takes the place of looking..
so yeah-agree with ya..
Know what you want-what love means to you-and the boundaries/priorities that are important to you to keep your own self-respect, self-love--without being guilted/ feeling bad about it.
It surfaces eventually though-with one person "blaming the other" for flaws/faults..as if someone hid them from view--when it's that persons' fault to begin with for not going in with eyes wide open..

[ailbhe]

The best way to get the behaviour you want from other people is to pay attention only when they are doing things of interest to you, treating you the right way etc. You should never demand that others morph themselves into your ideal. Accept them as they are, everybody is different.

I feel sorry for the boyfriend. There is only so much talking over the phone you can do before falling into a coma.

Let him call you when he wants, find a busy life so he can have something interesting to hear when he manages to get through. Don't stay on the phone to long. Arrange do things with him that you both enjoy. Be interesting. Let him chase you around. Don't be needy.

[OtayPanky]

Keith and Laura: This may sound backwards, but focusing on someone else's behavior does not often get us what we really want.

===

Hi Keith and Laura -

Welcome back! It's so good to see you again. We missed your sage counsel here for the past few months!

And you're so right about what you say. In fact, I just wrote not one, but THREE letters - one to the President, and the others to the candidates - on this very subject.

When it comes this Russia-Georgia thing, don't focus on Putin's behavior (I said). And pay no mind to that Georgian President who says we should! I mean, look at HIS life. He's not serene, calm and peaceful.

In fact, he'd be a whole lot happier, and a whole lot less stressed if he followed your simple-minded and timeless advice.

You guys are the best!

Namantay...

Your Friend Otaypanky