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Keith Thomson

Keith Thomson

Posted: October 20, 2010 01:48 PM

I recently interviewed FBI agents who had caught a Toledo couple smuggling funds to Hezbollah. The couple's method -- hiding $600,000 in cash within custom-made running boards on a used Chevy Trailblazer intended to be shipped overseas -- astonished me. As smuggling goes, however, it was pedestrian, especially compared to the following:

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  • Illegal aliens sewn into car seats

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(Balkans checkpoint, 2007)</em></a> Note: During inspection, if you are disguised as the passenger seat, don't say <em>gesundheit</em> when the driver's seat sneezes.

  • Ecstasy disguised as Viagra

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(Budapest, 2004)</em></a> Users remain impotent, but are ecstatic about it.

  • Illegal alien child sealed inside a PowerPuff Girl pinata

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(Tecate Port of Entry, 2004)</em></a> Fortunately discovered by US agents prior to the birthday party.

  • 42-piece dinner set constructed entirely from cocaine

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(London, 2009)</em></a> The ideal wedding pattern if you are a cocaine addict.

  • Crack Pringles

    <em><a href="" target="_hplink">(Austin, TX, 2006)</a> </em> Used regular Pringles slogan: "Once you pop, you can't stop."

  • Meth Elmo

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(Colorado, 2006)</em></a> Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but probably best to hide 45 pounds of drugs in Bert, whom people don't routinely tickle.

  • $1 million Egyptian relic

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(New York, 1992)</em></a> Was dipped in plastic, disguised as a cheap souvenir. The tip-off may have been the cheap plastic souvenir's MADE IN EGYPT stamp.

  • Liquid cocaine disguised as 2,000 gallons of diesel fuel

    (Apprehended by Coast Guard in the <a href="" target="_hplink">Pacific, 2007</a>) On a positive note, better for the environment than actual diesel.

  • Heroin disguised as red beans

    <em><a href="" target="_hplink">(JFK Airport, 2008)</a></em> Not the kind that are good for your heart.

  • 1540 pounds of cocaine hidden in frozen giant squid

    <a href="" target="_hplink"><em>(Lima, 2004)</em></a> How could anyone think a frozen giant squid would not attract attention? <a href="" target="_hplink">{Photo: ABC News}</a>


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