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Keli Goff

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The Most Shocking Thing My Mother Ever Told Me About Sex (And How It's Shaped My Politics)

Posted: 07/26/11 10:06 AM ET

Recently my mother told me something shocking. When she decided that her family was complete and sought a tubal ligation from her doctor (aka "to have her tubes tied"), she was told that her husband would have to sign a form giving his consent. This was not during the dark ages, but the dawn of the 1980s. And this was not some third world country practicing sharia law, but Texas. (Yes, I can already hear some of the 3rd world jokes many of you are making about my home state right about now. To which I say, "Hook 'em Horns.")

Her story was a stark reminder that it really wasn't that long ago that our country was stuck in the dark ages when it comes to women having the right to control our own bodies. It was also a powerful reminder that while abortion remains the most divisive reproductive rights issue -- and the one likely to garner the most headlines -- it is not necessarily the most important. There are countless reproductive rights issues that affect all women -- including those who may not consider themselves pro-choice. These are the issues I consider most at stake with the ongoing assault on Planned Parenthood. And it is through these issues that President Obama may end up leaving his greatest legacy.

Last week a nonpartisan panel convened by the Institute of Medicine recommended that insurance companies be required to cover birth control for free as a form of preventive care under the new health care law. If the government follows the panel's recommendations, this could end up being not just one of the most important moments in the reproductive rights movement since Roe v. Wade, but the most important moment ever. (Click here to see some of the most important reproductive rights cases besides Roe v. Wade.)

A poll released during the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill found that cost remains a key barrier for couples when it comes to using contraception. As I have noted in a previous column, "though it seems like it would be a no brainer for insurers to cover birth control rather than face the prospect of eventually covering another dependent, a 2007 Mercer study found that while about 70 percent of insurers provide coverage for erectile dysfunction medications, (as in Viagra) HALF of all health insurance plans do not provide contraceptive coverage."

Though legally and theoretically available to all, contraception has certainly not been accessible to all, with class status and education historically being one of the indicators of contraception use and family size. (A recent analysis found that low-income men who abuse their partners often hide or sabotage birth control as another form of controlling them.) With poverty being a key indicator for dropping out of high school and incarceration, this means that the ability to control the size of one's family is a social and political issue that affects many others.

I surprised a reporter recently when I said that I consider family planning the most important domestic or international political issue, because from my vantage point it affects almost all others in some way, shape or form. Wars are often fought over land or resources that people are trying to protect (or take) so that their families can have them and benefit from them. The environment struggles in large part from overpopulation and overuse. People often turn to crime, like theft and dealing drugs, because they lack the skills or opportunity to support their families, or themselves, any other way.

This is why I have always been baffled when those who claim to care about these issues, and others -- particularly abortion -- don't treat access to contraception as one of their most important political issues too. But if the Obama administration makes headway in removing the financial barrier to contraception -- for all women -- it will have made one of its greatest policy contributions not just to women, but all families.

Keli Goff is the author of The GQ Candidate and a Contributing Editor for TheLoop21.com, where this piece was originally published.

www.keligoff.com

 
 
 

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Recently my mother told me something shocking. When she decided that her family was complete and sought a tubal ligation from her doctor (aka "to have her tubes tied"), she was told that her husband w...
Recently my mother told me something shocking. When she decided that her family was complete and sought a tubal ligation from her doctor (aka "to have her tubes tied"), she was told that her husband w...
 
 
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10:47 AM on 08/09/2011
Family planning is vital today in the United States. I commend those who stand up for women's rights to choice and contraceptives. By making these avenues available and affordable many unwanted pregnancies can be avoided. I have the right to my own reproduction and anyone who tells me otherwise is not looking out for my best interest. When it's time for me to start my family it will be mine and my husband's decision and no one elses'.
03:39 PM on 08/01/2011
"I surprised a reporter recently when I said that I consider family planning the most important domestic or international political issue, because from my vantage point it affects almost all others in some way, shape or form. Wars are often fought over land or resources that people are trying to protect (or take) so that their families can have them and benefit from them. The environment struggles in large part from overpopulation and overuse. People often turn to crime, like theft and dealing drugs, because they lack the skills or opportunity to support their families, or themselves, any other way."

Says it all and worth repeating. Most still don't get that more babies means more spending, more traffic, more pollution, MORE TAXES and more wear and tear on the infrastructure and the environment.
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Just My Thoughts 2011
Life is but a walking shadow
02:43 PM on 08/01/2011
But will the number of abortions performed actually come down?

It will be interesting to see if free birth control will make a difference.
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waldopepper
I'd tell you all about me if you were my friend.
01:32 AM on 08/02/2011
What do you think the experience in other countries is? Why do Americans never look to the experience of other comparable (i.e. Western European/Japan/Australia/Canada) nations experience with such matters to answer such questions, and then extrapolate their likely experience?

America has one of the highest rate of abortion of all such comparable nations. All the other nations mentioned have far more complete health care systems. So what do you think that likely answer to your question is?

Where abortions occur:
78% of all abortions are obtained in DEVELOPING COUNTRIES and 22% occur in developed countries.

Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from here...
http://www.abortiontv.com/Misc/AbortionStatistics.htm

In 2010 the US rate was 22.6% The following broadly comparable countries were lower than that...
New Zealand 2008 21.6
France 2007 21.4
Norway 2008 20.9
United Kingdom 2008 20.9
Canada 2006 20.7
Australia 2007 20.2
Japan 2007 19.1
Denmark 2006 18.8
Spain 2008 18.2
Italy 2008 17.4
Turkey 2008 17.0
Iceland 2008 16.5
Finland 2008 14.9
Germany 2008 14.4
Netherlands 2007 13.5
Greece 2005 13.3
Switzerland 2008 12.4
Portugal 2008 11.9
South Africa 2007 7.7
Austria 2000 3.0

From here ... http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/policy/abortion/wrjp334pd.html
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asta1968
I'm usually in a mocking mood
09:46 PM on 08/02/2011
"What do you think the experience in other countries is? Why do Americans never look to the experience of other comparable (i.e. Western European/J­apan/Austr­alia/Canad­a) nations experience with such matters to answer such questions, and then extrapolat­e their likely experience­?"

Too many these days are gathering to chant "we're number won!"
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JBDenver
1% - Not just for milk anymore
01:51 PM on 08/01/2011
Boo Hoo - My wife had to sign a consent form prior to my vasectomy...What about the right to with MY body what I choose.
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Lady1genius
Little Sister Shotgun
06:51 PM on 08/03/2011
I did hear that was true, JB... I guess it depends on the doctor. My doctor tried to tell me I was "too young" to have a tubal ligation. I said Look, Pal... I've had three kids in the last six years, two by c-section, and I am DONE. Needless to say, I got the tubal ligation I wanted. NEVER looked back.
DianaLynn1967
It's a great life if you don't weaken!
11:15 PM on 08/04/2011
I think the rules should be the same for both men and women.
08:21 AM on 08/01/2011
While a couple should talk to one another about such issues, one person should not be able to say what another adult does with his or her body. After the birth of our fourth child, my husband went to the doctor to see about a vasectomy. At the time, I had just given birth to a newborn and did not wish to go to the doctor with my husband. The military doctors insisted that I had to give my permission for my husband to have the procedure. It angered me because spouses do not own one another's body. Ultimately, my husband is an adult. Marriage didn't make him my property.
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Lady1genius
Little Sister Shotgun
06:54 PM on 08/03/2011
Yes, my son in the navy told me that is true, a man does need his wife's permission for a vasectomy. I guess it depends on the doctor. My feeling is they are just doing CYA. Not a bad idea in a litigious society. I also think it would be possible to find a doctor to do it without spousal permission.
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ramsha
12:58 AM on 08/01/2011
The problem is if one starts with the premise that after all the first woman was created from a spare rib, none of this would appear to be out of the norm. Religion corrupts the thinking in many ways.
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liberalviper
All you need is Love!
10:04 PM on 08/01/2011
Mmmm! Spare ribs. Thanks, now I'm hungry.
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FaceTheTruth00
I'm a girl.
12:43 PM on 07/30/2011
Seems pretty logical that if you're in a committed relationship with someone that you should discuss and agree with regards to the idea of having children; or the idea of eliminating that possibility permanently.

I don't get the outrage. If you can't agree on whether or not to have children, and you're going to do whatever your want regardless of your significant other's feelings, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

I can only imagine the outrage if a man was to covertly get a vasectomy and not inform his wife, who was wanted to have a child.

Couples should agree with this. A wife should sign-off on the vasectomy just like the husband should sign-off on the tubal.

If someone is completely against having children, which their S.O. definitely wants, then tell them and let them walk away from your relationship IF they choose and find someone who they are better suited for.
10:07 AM on 08/01/2011
If a person can't trust a spouse to make his/her own medical decisions and consult you about the important ones; and you think that health care providers should compensate for this lack of trust with legal forms, they probably shouldn't be married. I agree that couples should discuss this together, but I don't agree that doctors should require them to.

In an ideal world, all relationships would be loving and communicative. In our world, a lot of relationships are abusive. Virtually everyone knows an abusive couple. If we give couples legal powers over each others' bodies, some people will abuse it.
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Lady1genius
Little Sister Shotgun
06:57 PM on 08/03/2011
Agreed completely. An excellent reason for men who don't want children to get the job done before getting married. And be upfront about it... If it's a deal-breaker then it wasn't meant to be.
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assumetheopposite
Capitalism is sin. Acts 4
09:35 PM on 07/29/2011
I would prefer that barrier contraception be covered as well, as it is safe. Drugs are a known cause of breast cancer and hypertension. Cervical caps are best, as they never break and are reusable. Best for the environment as well.
11:14 AM on 07/31/2011
IUDs such as paragard, mirena and skin implants are also really effective and last 3-10 years.
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Suntio
Amat victoria curam.
09:24 AM on 08/01/2011
Mirena costs $600.
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assumetheopposite
Capitalism is sin. Acts 4
08:27 PM on 08/01/2011
Thanks for the info!
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blarneydude
I can handle the truth. Now let's talk about you.
02:08 PM on 07/29/2011
"I surprised a reporter recently when I said that I consider family planning the most important domestic or international political issue,..."

That's perceptive.

And of course I would think so, because, as I say to people: Population is THE environmental issue, period.

There is nothing we do as a species - outside of our cruelty to other forms of life, most particularly each other - that would be an issue, were our population not what it is.

And the reporter's surprise? Given my perception of the media and their understanding of the world we live in: doesn't surprise me, one bit.
10:13 AM on 08/01/2011
Statistically speaking, overconsumption is THE environmental issue. The world's population growth is peaking; most demographers think we won't ever see the far side of 10 billion. This owes a lot to birth control and increased women's education and rights, as well as improved standards of living, lower infant mortality, etc. However, long after population has peaked emissions will still increase. This is because the average Westernized consumer produces the emissions of 40 peasant farmers, consumes the food (through grain-fed meat) of 5 peasant farmers, and produces the garbage output of 100 peasant farmers. We could prevent 50 births in the third world with birth control, but it would be largely negated by the elevation of a single person into a society of mass consumption. However, people deserve to not live in poverty. It's a very complex issues, and I think too often population growth is used as a scapegoat so we don't have to think about the hard choices that the environment actually needs.
02:10 PM on 08/01/2011
Good points all but I still say if we weren't overpopulated, we wouldn't have to consider the hard choices in the first place.
02:09 PM on 08/01/2011
AMEN. I've been saying this for decades and nobody listens. Every single problem we face on this planet goes straight back to overpopulation. Fanned and wish I could fan you x 1000.
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ignacio sanabria
Mirror synapses at work
10:15 PM on 07/28/2011
If you remain celibe, none of these issues will affect you.
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Hopalongpoppyseed
May you reap what you sow.
01:02 AM on 08/01/2011
"Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions." Aldous Huxley.
10:18 AM on 08/01/2011
There is no largely secular country in the world with positive natural growth rate. There is no Catholic country in the world with negative natural growth rate.

Even in America, the population growth is driven by red states; small town Texas has ten times the birth rate of Manhattan.

I know celibacy sounds good in theory, but demographic statistics don't lie: birth control distribution and education is neccessary even in religious areas because religious people apparently like to have sex too.

Also, a slim majority of people accessing free birth control at Planned Parenthood are married couples. Does celibacy work for married couples too?
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mrsL
marriage & motherhood with mirth and grace
09:02 PM on 07/28/2011
If your father had gone for a vasectomy would your mother have had to sign off on that? Did you try to find out?
04:09 PM on 07/30/2011
Funny thing about that - the answer would be no. Women had to have "permission" from husbands or parents for a lot of medical choices.
08:25 AM on 08/02/2011
Be careful with your assumptions. When I had a vasectomy in the '80s here in Florida, I had to get my wife's permission. I was outraged by that requirement, but had no choice at the time.
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ramsha
12:53 AM on 08/01/2011
Yes in Ohio in 1972 when I had a vasectomy I remember my physician asking my wife to attend the initial consultation. But I do not recall her signing the consent.
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dsws
No owning ideas. Limit only commercial use.
10:36 AM on 07/28/2011
It would be nice to live in the kind of fantasy world where that would be shocking. This is the United States. Jebus-brand Shariah is just par for the course.
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Al in Madison
11:41 PM on 07/27/2011
The double standard that I don't understand is that no one questions a woman when she says "I've always wanted to have children." However, when a woman says "I've never wanted to have children" everyone ALWAYS says: "Oh, you'll change your mind."

How is it that the one that wants to have the children is never accused of not knowing themselves well enough to know what they want out of life?
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Zombie Goddess
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
09:55 PM on 07/28/2011
And when a woman is young,no one ever says "IF you have children",it's always "WHEN you have children".
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wskrs
If it pleases and sparkles... sunshine!
11:32 PM on 07/28/2011
1. I totally agree with your post - as a 26 year old who would get her tubes tied tomorrow if possible, I would. No kids for me.

2. I LOOOOVE your picture. Hyacinth Bucket, is it?!
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Al in Madison
09:06 AM on 07/29/2011
It's "bouquet" ;-)
11:10 AM on 07/29/2011
What's stopping you?
If you would like to do it tomorrow, what prevents you from getting it scheduled?
Really, not being a wise guy at all. Just curious.
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MarcEdward
likes all cats more than most people
05:26 PM on 07/27/2011
Big clue for you and all women in the USA - you all do NOT have equal rights. We tried to pass an Equal Rights Amendment, and due in large part to massive numbers of women being against having equal rights, it FAILED. You all WILL NOT have guaranteed Equal Rights until you get it passed through the congress, period.
As long as women rely on the courts, they DO NOT have any guarantee of equal rights whatsoever.
Get off your pretty little butts and get to work, because we men aren't going to do it for you.
12:12 AM on 07/28/2011
Could you be anymore patronizing?
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MarcEdward
likes all cats more than most people
09:37 AM on 07/28/2011
Is there anything I said that is not true?
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bjbold
Thank an Occupier
10:47 AM on 08/28/2011
Yes, he could be you.
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Zombie Goddess
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
09:56 PM on 07/28/2011
Most of us do work.Often two or even three jobs.I've never minded getting off my pretty little butt and working,because the last thing I'd ever want to do is put up with someone like you.
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MarcEdward
likes all cats more than most people
06:31 PM on 07/29/2011
The men who risked their lives getting Unions and workers rights ALSO had jobs.
Of course, if you would prefer to spend the rest of your life as a 2nd class citizen, you're free to.
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Devontate
PrObama
03:19 PM on 07/27/2011
I imagine a man never needed his wife's permission to get a vasectomy.
10:25 AM on 07/28/2011
If he did, would that even the scales?
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Devontate
PrObama
10:10 AM on 07/29/2011
That's not what I'm going for.
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Devontate
PrObama
10:16 AM on 07/29/2011
It would take a lot more than that to even the scales when it comes to the oppression of women.
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Zombie Goddess
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
10:02 PM on 07/28/2011
Most women in their right mind wouldn't object anyway.
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Devontate
PrObama
10:15 AM on 07/29/2011
Good point. F and F'd.