Bullying: It's Time for Parents to Step Up

Thanks to Lady Gaga, Anderson Cooper, and all those in the trenches, the issue of bullying is again back on our radar. Most of us now know about 14-year-old Jamey Rodemeyer, the latest in a line of children who believed the only way out of their real-time nightmare was suicide. Kind, intelligent, good kids who confided, spoke up, and garnered support from family, friends, school officials, even celebrities. In the darkness, they found it just wasn't enough -- our assurance that "It gets better" failed them.

Lest we forget, bullying was one of our nation's top stories back in 2010, too. The "silver lining" of tragedies involving kids like Phoebe Prince and Tyler Clementi was this sense that maybe people were finally beginning to appreciate that our everyday cruelties can make mincemeat of another's well-being. We hoped for enlightenment among kids, educators, lawmakers and, perhaps especially, parents. We hoped for change.

Too many still don't get it.

Some call the attention to bullying "overblown media hype," arguing that today's eggshell kids need to "just get over it" (as if toughening up would negate the cruelty being inflicted). Others insist bullying is a rite of passage, the cost of doing business as a human, that the injured must lack vital life skills which Scotchguard stronger souls from hurt, that they invited their abuse somehow, or that by 5th grade we all magically "outgrow" these shenanigans so, really, it's no big deal. The skepticism is nothing new. As Young-Shin Kim, MD, Associate Professor at the Yale School of Medicine's Child Study Center, has noted, people have long dismissed bullying's ugly truths.

It's time to realize that "bullying" incorporates more than the hideous abuse and high-profile suicides of other people's kids, and more than the over-the-top, often cute and clever nastiness depicted in movies and television. Few discuss it openly but, the truth is, kids and adults all around you struggle with the effects of more nuanced, garden-variety cruelty, as well. For many, the nudges, slights, manipulations, and careless whispers we think are benign frequently are not. A growing, troubling pool of research in fact confirms serious, long-term fallout from all kinds of interpersonal aggression, evidence the Journal of Pediatrics calls "clear and consistent."

You can tell a kid to toughen up, grin, and bear it, but we all have different levels of sensitivity and resilience. Study after study reveals lasting marks on people's confidence, willingness to take risks, ability to trust or form quality relationships, and ability to contribute and thrive in life. Aggressors, bystanders, and victims cope with shattered self-esteem, anxiety, social awkwardness, greater susceptibility to illness, eating disorders, substance abuse, loneliness, depression, suicidal ideation, and more -- consequences costly to individuals and, ultimately, society. Really, if evidence about the toll aggression takes on developing children isn't enough to convince us to curb the gratuitous negativity and insist on the same from our kids, what will?

Jamey and the others leave a powerful legacy. But memories are short, educators can only do so much and, frankly, fashioning laws to deal with aggression or turning to litigation is tricky business. Call it cliche, but we really have to look to the home -- parents need to step up. Most of the cruelty is unnecessary and often learned or excused so it continues. Kids and adults alike mistreat one another out of habit, boredom and insecurity, for sport or entertainment, to bond or seem clever and witty, and to gain acceptance or other social rewards.

As a mother of four, I'm all for gentle teasing, resourcefulness, resilience, and personal responsibility -- to a point. I'm all for raising less entitled and less insulated kids free from parental micromanaging and helicoptering. What I'm not for is denial, distraction, and burying heads in the sands of complacency, for failing to teach kids the fundamental tenets of respect and dignity, or forgetting to show them what kindness and empathy look like. I'm not for letting kids get away with "little nothing" acts of meanness or for adults opting out of crucial oversight and intervention. Shouldn't we be striving to provide a physically -- and emotionally -- safe environment for our offspring to launch?

Insisting that bullying is harmless, isolated child's play or somebody else's issue is folly. Inhumanity is inhumanity. It reflects poorly on us as Americans and as evolved, moral beings. Let's hope these issues remain at the forefront of our national conversation and that parents feel moved to practice and teach a more mindful civility. In showing respect, kindness, inclusion, and tolerance, and in standing up for the dignity of others, after all, we also preserve our own.

 

 

 

Follow Kelly Valen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kellyvalen1

Comments

[Steve Liddick]

01:02 PM on 10/31/2011

Childhood bullying can affect a person into their adult years, robbing them of self-esteem that impacts their personal relationships and professional success-or lack of it. Victims of bullying often suffer the equivalent of a combat veteran's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Reply

Steve Liddick
www.TopCatPublicans.com

[MrMike17]

11:11 PM on 10/11/2011

Bullying is a serious problem affecting millions of children. In the U.S. alone, 19,000 children attempt to commit suicide every year as a direct result of being bullied. To help combat this problem, I have put together a bully prevention show for schools & libraries. This fun & educational program teaches kids about the different forms of bullying, the importance of adult intervention, and 4 very specific steps they can take to put a "STOP" to bullying. Highlights of the show can be seen here...

http://youtu.be/2qAvD01RD9E
http://www.StopBullyingShow.com

[BrendaNYC]

08:36 AM on 10/11/2011

Adults MUST step in, and actually be adults, not friends, to children. I don't think children have become inherintly meaner. I think adults have fallen down on the job. I natter more here: www.heresheisboys.com/2011/08/31/because-i-said-so-thats-why/

[biglarry]

07:07 PM on 10/10/2011

"How many kids will have to die and how many will have to bear lifetime scars as a result of bullying?" is the usual handwringing question found in one report about school bullying after another. Much to my regret, I believe the answer is that this will never end because school bullies embody a psychological type and mentality that is very much valued in American society. It is from this group that college fraternity and sorority members are recruited and later the generals and captains of industry, the military, the big business and right-wing politics. These jobs require aggressiveness, ruthlessness, and the ability to lie in a big way - traits not commonly found in your shy, retiring, introspective, or artistic types. With approximately one half of Americans showing either bullying tendencies or tacit support for bullies, as reflected in their voting patterns, it is easier to understand why schools won't take strong proactive action to prevent it but will rather wait until the inevitable tragedy happens and then react in a milquetoast way, feigning ignorance of what routinely goes on on their campuses.

[Ann Roehrs]

10:51 PM on 10/10/2011

You are so on target with your remarks. There is an inherent sickness in these types that is almost impossible to understand.

[Ann Roehrs]

10:52 AM on 10/10/2011

Let's stay clear that bullying doesn't just impact gay children or kids that look different or appear to have an alternative lifestyle. I was a normal pretty sweet sensitive little girl who never bullied anyone in my life and still wouldn't. BUT somehow my mother (who was then and still is a bully) KNEW that of all of her children I was the one who could be bullied. My sister eventually jumped on that bandwagon as well. Because they knew what ALL BULLIES KNOW: exactly who to target. When I was bullied at school or in our neighborhood I was told what lots of kids are told, "You're too sensitive. Why do you let it bother you?". By the time I was 13 I was contemplating suicide on a regular basis. I also started starving myself imagining that I could just disappear. It has taken me until the age of 50 to be able to see that it's ok for me to say tell someone that it is NOT ok to bully me and to keep people like my mother and sister at a distance, I can't stop them from bullying but I CAN distance myself Very happy that this issue is finally coming to the forefront since I know first hand the type of impact that bullying can have on someone's life.

[Kelly Valen]

01:10 PM on 10/10/2011

Ann, I completely agree. Anyone can be bullied. You can be bullied for being too attractive, tall, short, fat, skinny, Jewish, black, Hispanic, Asian, pimple prone, smart, challenged, or just different or threatening in some way. Plenty of people bully others for sport or because they think it's funny (and indeed get the laughs when they do it). I'm sorry to hear your story - I've heard too many others like it in my research. It's time to stop the cycle. Bullying needs to be viewed as "uncool" and not socially rewarding or kids and adults will continue to do it and excuse it.

[Ann Roehrs]

03:07 PM on 10/10/2011

Thanks for the reply and the great blog Kelly.

[AztecSezWhut]

10:46 AM on 10/10/2011

There is a problem when parents are told that their kid/s are not the nicest or are the blame for another Childs issues. Far too many parents become offended and adopt the "Not my child" mentality and believe there kids can do nothing wrong no matter how many people are providing them information as to the facts. They become so offended that they try to tell themselves everyone is lying or their kids are just misunderstood and no one understands. Parents these days are just too soft and are scared of what holding their children accountable for their actions will do to the child and the relationships the parents think they have with them. Many parents should not even be parents and harm their kids far worse than other children can by being so oblivious. They don’t get that if your kids walk all over them now, it will never stop and the cycle will continue and get worse. The idea that parents are raising future adults never enters their minds as the preparations needed to help them become compassionate human being is a constant, methodical, structured, and repeated process. Many view this as a sign of weakness and give the excuse "Only the strong survive". That mantra is one of surrender and an excuse not to be a true parent!

[Kelly Valen]

01:07 PM on 10/11/2011

Amen to that, Aztec. There's so much denial out there, even among good, caring parents. It's a tough nut....