What Is The Miracle Cure For Your Relationships?

In the drought and heat of Berkeley, California, in the summer of 1991, slow-moving fires ravaged the hillsides. Berkeley is a college town filled with lots of interesting characters with charming homes. As flames swept through the area, thousands of residents were given about three hours to pack up and evacuate.

Those who were fleeing had to make up their minds quickly; what should they get from their home to pack in their cars on their way out of town. What do you think they took? (What would you take?) Well, after making sure that their key heirlooms--grandma's wedding ring, dad's baseball glove, etc., were secure--they filled their cars to the brim with photos and videos. These were their most cherished belongings.

Our Most Valued Treasures

There's a lesson here for all of us. At the end of the day, it's not the things we've bought or the stuff we've accumulated, it's the experiences we have with the people we love that are our most valued treasures. And, during these particularly trying times, rather than turning to bars, bloviators or our brokers for relief, maybe we should turn to our loved ones and friends to find the cure for whatever ails us. This isn't just a "nice" idea. Scientific studies worldwide have consistently shown that people who engage in loving and caring relationships are healthier, recover from illnesses more quickly and actually live longer than those who don't.

Unfortunately, in our modern lives, it's normal for our relationships, even our closest ones, to slide onto automatic pilot. I'm convinced that just as a garden regularly needs replanting, all of our key relationships--and particularly our marriages--also need to be rebooted on a regular basis. There are lots of easy activities that can help to refresh your romance: simple acts of kindness during a stressful period, an unexpected gift, a playful dinner for two, and so on. However, during these tough times, maybe a heavier dose of connecting is needed!

Why Not Remarry Your Spouse?

My wife Maddy and I have found that to keep our marriage vital and alive, we have to continually remind ourselves what we're doing together in the first place. One of the key ways we do this is by getting remarried every year on our anniversary. Okay, before you decide that we're a couple of kooks, let me explain.

When we originally married, on Thanksgiving in 1983, we had such a great time that I asked Maddy if she'd consider remarrying me every year. And, to add a bit of spice (and I suppose, guerilla theater) to this ritual, we decided that we would do so in a different religion and in a different location each year. So far, we've been remarried by a tribal chief in a Navajo ceremony in Tucson, Arizona, by the skiing judge on the slopes of Vail Mountain, and in a Tai Chi ceremony in Big Sur, California. We've recited our vows in Grace Church in Greenwich Village, in a Buddhist ceremony in our home in California, in a Mayan wedding at the top of the Chichan Itza pyramid in the Yucatan, and, of course, at the Chapel of Love in Las Vegas (and I'm embarrassed to admit that I was dressed in a ridiculous white Elvis jumpsuit with red trim, gold medallion and all). We've even been married twice by our children. Most recently, we celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary by having Maddy's mom and stepdad and my parents perform our ceremony.

For Maddy and me, getting remarried each year has definitely been a lot of fun. But, we also take the time out to have practical discussions of what our relationship needs more of or less of. Some years, we've concluded that everything is going just fine, while others require a knockdown argument or two, before we can align our needs and commitments again. As our lives have unfolded, these "pauses" have focused on everything from our anxieties over the impending birth of each of our two children, a few business failures and some successes, the death of Maddy's dad and most recently, how we're coping with having just lost a ton of money--and stability--during this brutal economic downturn. However, when the moment comes when we face each other and say, "I do," it never fails to help us remember the things that made us fall in love in the first place while allowing us to take notice of all the reasons we love each other still.

You should try remarrying your spouse! You'd be surprised at how easy it is to set up a wedding--or technically a "renewal of vows." Most justices of the peace are ready to go 24/7, the Yellow Pages and Internet boast every kind of ceremony that you can imagine--and a few you probably couldn't imagine, and every hotel concierge can put a remarriage service together, often on short notice.

From time to time, when people learn about our remarriage history, they ask us, "Why do you get married every year?" And I usually say, "Well...how come you don't?"

Putting Purpose Into Your Relationships

If you're not married, how about putting more "purpose" into other important relationships? How often do you tell your parents or children that you love them? Have you been too busy to go fishing or hiking with your sister or brother? What about nieces and nephews or cousins who'd be uplifted by a call from you? Have you thought about surprising a college roommate or your Best Friend Forever from high school with a visit? Make the call. Send the email. Extend the invite. Get together and raise a toast!

I realize that this might all sound a bit hokey and that turbo-charging these kinds of experiences might not lift the "Dow." But, they might just energize your "Tao" and miraculously help cure whatever ails you!

How do you keep your relationships energized and nourishing? Please send me your ideas and comments.

***

Ken Dychtwald, Ph.D. is a psychologist, gerontologist and author of sixteen books on aging, life transitions, and retirement-related issues including Age Wave, The Power Years, and his new book, With Purpose: Going from Success to Significance in Work and Life (with Daniel J. Kadlec, Collins Life; 3/09). The founding CEO of Age Wave, he lives with his wife and children in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Comments

[Canuck27]

How about just more sex?

[Drhank]

Hi Ken, I enjoy your work.

In my work as a clinical and counseling psychologist, I have found that a major reason why marriages are surviving rather than thriving go south is one or both partners feel they are not growing. Every organism needs specific "nutriens" to first survive, than to thrive. In the case of humans, we all need "emotionl nutrients" elements that help us thrive, whether it is in our job environment or marriage environment. This is a fact of evolution. Thus, couples can enhance thier marriage by acknowledging to each other the "emotional nutrients" they need, and if these cannot be met, no matter how many counseling sessions they go to, or how many "celebrations" they have, they will all be meaningless because bottom, line one or each feels something is "missing." It is-they are not getting the emotional nutrients they need.

Interesting, we are all "hardwired" with very specific tools that are designecd to enhance marriage, but unfortunatley, most people are "instinctually connected." To learn more about how to use your insticual tools to enhance marriage, check out The Genius of Instinct: Reclaim Mother Nature's Tools for Enhancing Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Work (FT Press, April 2009).

C

[Drhank]

Ken,
what I meant to say, people are "instinctually disconnected," and we have instinctual tools that are designed to enhance our marriage. I am new to posting so please excuse the mistakes-I will proof read better!

By the way, your work on aging is outstanding.

[Diogenis]

I am an Orthodox Christian clergyman. In the Wedding Sacrament, the bride and groom drink wine from a common cup. I have always encouraged couples to purchase their own silver cup and have their names and the date of their marriage engraved on it and to drink from this cup together each year on their anniversary as a reminder of the commitment they made. Throughout the years I have been delighted to hear from married couples say how much this single act has meant to them in keeping their marriage strong.

[christopherscotttaylor]

I can truly testify to the truth of what Ken says in this article. Beverley and I have been with each other since the moment we met, over 30 years ago (we just celebrated our 32 anniversary). We've met and faced more challenges in our relationship than I care to remember, but I can truly say that I love her more today than when we met. I know her better, I cherish being with her more, we still enjoy each other in every imaginable, and unimaginable, way, and she is my devoted wife, ardent lover, truest partner, and the best friend I will ever have. While, we have not, like Ken and Maddy, renewed our vows every year, we have measured the strength of our relationship by the value we give to it, the time we spend developing it, and the joy we take in sharing each and every moment of what has been an unbelievably incredible journey we've continually, and continuously, chosen to take together.

[midwesthousewife]

Your post is along the lines of some thoughts I have had recently. Yesterday I re-watched Michael Moore's Sicko, and was struck, once again, by the leisurely, humane lifestyle practiced in France, especially when comparing it with our nation of workaholics who are so scheduled and stressed-out, they have no time for life itself. It reminded me of another article which asked the question whether the reason we have so many people with mental illness was really because we have created a toxic society--they aren't crazy, they are living in a crazy society. After many years of hyper-activity, I have taken a year off from life to go through possessions and papers and to get my life in order. I have been struck by how sane my life now seems, how easily I am able to remember to attend to details, how projects long neglected are getting done, and how satisfying all that is. But what is most striking is how much I think of friends and family members and reach out to them--the way I used to do decades ago. Very sad to have to rediscover a basic truth--simplify in order to actually live Life.

[highd]

I have been married for 15 years. I got married young at 20 and I have to say how odd it is to see how so many people have to work at rekindling and recommitting to their relationships. I don't know if I got lucky or what but I don't even think I have broken a real sweat. I have a husband that is amazing. He is strong,caring, fun, energetic and he believes in brutal honesty, I think that is the corner stone of our marriage.

We don't lie, when it is bad... like burning your furniture to keep warm bad ( something we had to do ) we admit it and try to make it better. When it's really bad like when I found out that I couldn't have children we cried and laughed and made it through. And when it is good. My god we howl like wolves and celebrate like crazy teens.

I think growing up and growing older with my husband is the only commitment we need. I sadly think there is too much put on the notions of romance and not enough put on the reality of relationships. It's not all trips and re-weddings. It's about finding the right person and not letting the world get in the way of how you love each other.

[betweenextremes]

It helps when your spouse is the one person you do not want to live without. My experience has been similar to yours, but one thing I've learned over the past 25 years is that it's different strokes for different folks.

I've read somewhere that a marriage is like a roof and it needs pillars to keep it from collapsing. What shapes those pillars is a very individual choice.

[NoaAnjali]

does that mean setting up a gift registry every year?

[DragonFly]

I like the idea of re-honoring ones relationship with another.

AND - I believe that this present 'down-turn' we're experiencing is the perfect time to rejoin ourselves to that which gives lasting richness.

To think that money is necessary in order to accomplish this is quite simply - old thinking.
It is, and always has been, about - creative thinking.

[Russell Bishop - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks Ken. I love the idea of keeping our relationships alive. Relating is a constant commitment whereas it appears to me that for some, a relationship is something you accomplish rather than nourish. Your post along with the shared commitment you and Maddy have to recreating yourselves each year is a great reminder. My wife and I have been doing a slimmed down version of this for a while - each time we attend a wedding, we go through the ceremony ourselves, recommitting to each other and to our relationship. Going the next step, creating our own ceremony, seems like a perfect way to keep us focused on discovery, appreciation, gratitude and loving. Thanks again for a great post.

[Ken Dychtwald]

Thanks Russell - for your comments (and also for your great ongoing blogs). It might seem silly, but going the extra distance to actually experience your own remarriage always turns out to be a potent moment for Maddy and me. And, in these stressful times, creating positive experiences - and memories is a wonderful dynamic. I firmly believe that we get so busy with everything else in our lives, that we don't do enough of these kinds of things.
All the best,
Ken

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Your article warms my heart - thank you! I love your annual marriages - how fabulous is that.

It seems you have not yet been married in the South of France, where I design and conduct wedding ceremonies and renewals of vows: http://www.amb-cotedazur.com/Celebrations-of-the-Heart/creating-a-wedding.html Welcome to my world!

I really appreciate what you are offering here.

Blessings to you,
Anne

[David Chung]

Originally, I was going to post on the first paragraph - but after reading the article in its entirety, I think that you are spot on describing what IS important.

Here is a great example, your article was shared to me by a former colleague that I have not even talked to in over 10 years. A few months ago, I heard about her site (www.50Fab­ulous.com) and we connected as if no time had passed by. From our chat she sent me your article saying "your company is perfect...no need to race around and locate the myriad of spots you may have placed all this stuff...it's already in your "on-line vault!"

During these challenging times, relationships ARE so critical, whether to simply let you know that you are not alone or to lend a hand. Starting at home is a great place, moving outside from there, even better.

Oh, and if anyone is interested, my company is www.iforem.com, we provide the first pay once PERMANENT virtual vault! So even if you have to run out of that burning house and can't get to paying that subscription, no worries! Your past financial, legal, AND keepsake photos of all those renewed vows are permanently protected and secure in your own online vault.

[AngieMom57]

“We humans have lost our village, and we are all yearning for the connection, support and well being that is fostered by living in one.” ELK

[Ken Dychtwald]

I agree that many of us have grown too far apart - and that we'd benefit from some more nourishing connections with people who really matter to us. Thanks ELK.

[PlaneCaptain]

Thanks Ken,
Your work is always inspiring and on point. I read "Bodymind" sometime in the early '80s. It led me to some amazing adventures, and to my career. I've been a bodyworker now for nearly 20 years. For 15 years I've been working in Harm Reduction in the South Bronx with drug addicts, HIV, Aids, PTSD, homeless, veterans ...whoever walks in. No judgement, no questions, no "get clean first".
It is evident every day to me that it is our human connections which sustain us, not our wallets. Of course income is necessary and welcome. Abundance however, at least in my experience, is much better defined by the miracles I've seen and had the priveledge of participating in with the extraordinary human beings I meet every day.
Thanks again for introducing me to these things.

[Cranbot]

This is a nice fantasy but for most of us out here who do not have the type of income to travel all over the world and do this it is just that - a fantasy. The stress that takes the toll on relationships the most is one of constant worry about income and working in demeaning or abhorrent situations. It takes a toll on the human spirit.

So why not remarry every year? Most simply because there is no money, energy or available vacation time to do so.

[Ken Dychtwald]

Hi Cranbot - thanks for your comment. While its true that my work allows me to go to all sorts of interesting places - the real essence of our remmariage ceremonies are the simplicity. Frankly, you and your partner could go to a local park with a picnic basket and have a friend or minster perform a powerful and memorable remarriarge ceremony that wouldn't break the bank. In fact, it might only cost $50-$100, depending on what was in the picnic backet.

On the other hand, I'bve noticed that many people - particuarly men - avoid special moments like this and blame in on stress or the economy. Seems backward to me - as better relationships actually help you deal with life's hardships. Rather than waiting until things get good - to have fun, why not have some fun and you might be surprised that things feel better.
All the best,
Ken

[mergina]

Uh, that would be marijuana?