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Ken Furer

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11 Oscar Predictions to Help You Win Your Pool

Posted: 02/24/2012 4:52 pm

Hollywood's biggest night is almost here. That's right ... the domestic release of Mirror Mirror! But also, the Oscars. Here are 11 predictions that are sure to help you win your Oscar pool:

1. The Artist wins Best Picture. But despite all the accolades, everyone is still upset that Uggie the Dog wasn't nominated. Because as everyone knows, nothing is more important to dogs than awards shows. Fortunately just then, Uggie comes racing into the Kodak Theater on War Horse.

2. Glenn Close wins Best Actress for Albert Nobbs. Meryl Streep graciously applauds her colleague on her first Oscar ... but can't help herself and suddenly charges the stage. A fight breaks out between Glenn Close and Meryl Streep, complete with hair pulling and F-bombs, before they are both unceremoniously dragged off stage by presenters Colin Firth and Kermit the Frog.

3. George Clooney wins Best Actor for The Descendants. During his speech, he makes self-deprecating comments and playful jabs at Brad Pitt. Because they're just like us.

4. Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress for The Help. She gives an emotional speech about how dreams can come true while the camera cuts to Morgan Freeman, Halle Berry, Jennifer Hudson, and for some reason Tom Hanks. Because really, who can get enough of Tom Hanks?

5. Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor for Beginners. However, he loses his Oscar pool to Kenneth Branagh because Plummer was "totally guessing" on the Short Film categories.

6. Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for Hugo but is unable to make it through his acceptance speech without referencing esoteric films such as Luchino Visconti's Il Gattopardo and Roberto Rossellini's La Prise de pouvoir par Louis XIV. The cameras again cut back to Tom Hanks.

7. Reporters on the red carpet interview Nick Nolte without realizing he's not Gary Busey.

8. In lieu of the musical numbers, Cirque du Soleil performs an acrobatic interpretation of the infamous Bridesmaids bathroom scene.

9. A presenter attempts to explain the difference between sound editing and sound mixing because, despite the fact that they do this every year, nobody still seems to have any clue.

10. The 'In Memorium' montage accidentally includes Charlie Sheen because, well, the producers kind of just figured.

11. Billy Crystal makes his triumphant return and receives a 15 minute standing ovation, forcing the telecast to skip the documentary awards. In his opening bit, Crystal spoofs Midnight in Paris by going back in time to hang out with the failed hosts of past Oscar telecasts. During the sketch, he gets high with James Franco and forgets the rest of his lines. Regardless, your parents are just happy to have Billy Crystal back hosting the Academy Awards.

See more from Ken at www.kenfurer.com and follow him on Twitter @kenfurer.