THE BLOG

A-Paula-ing

05/25/2011 12:30 pm ET
  • Ken Levine Emmy-Winning Writer/Director/Producer, MLB Announcer

Wow! They didn't even try.

I was so looking forward to the bullshit spin American Idol would concoct to explain away Paula's idiocy from the night before and they didn't even try. Ryan merely said the judges were thrown a curveball and that the online rumors weren't true. I'd like to think that through the HuffingtonPost I was one of those who spread these rumors.

I could just imagine the producers getting together earlier in the day trying to dream up a plausible explanation.

***

"We can say we threw them a curveball."

"Yeah, yeah! A curveball. That's good."

"But wait a minute. Isn't giving them a curveball only a problem when we ask them to do something more, something that they weren't prepared for? Telling them to just sit there shouldn't really throw them."

"Even Randy seemed to get it."

"Shut up! We're going with curveball."

"We did ask them to take notes. That's new."

"Didn't anyone check to see if Paula could read or write?"

"I did."

"And...?"

"Her agent wasn't sure but was going to get back to me."

"What?! You gave that woman a pen without confirmation that she knew how to use it? My God! She could have eaten it, used it to clean her ears. Who knows?"

"You're right. My bad."

"Her death would have been on your hands!"

"Please, I feel bad enough suggesting Andrew Lloyd Webber week."

"Look, she could take notes, we could give her notes, that still doesn't explain how she could watch Jason sing one song and think it was two."

"What about sleep deprivation?"

"Already used it."

"Bad reaction to cold medicine."

"Meaning what? She sneezed out her brains?"

"What if we say she was drunk... but with an explanation."

"Which would be...?"

"Um....she was coming from her Passover seder and had to drink four glasses of wine."

"Passover was over last Sunday."

"She doesn't own a calendar."

"Or can't read one."

"Guys, let's face it. Any road we go down still leads to the same place. Cretinville."

"Okay, how about this? We just insist it never happened."

"How many times do I have to tell you? You're not working in the White House anymore!"

"Right. Sorry."

"Well, I'm stumped."

"Me too."

"Same here."

"Alright. Shit. We'll just go vague. Say all the rumors about her aren't true."

"Come on. They'll never buy that."

"Sure they will. They buy it when we say we got 45,000,000 votes last night. And they buy it when we say Jason Castro got more votes than Carly Smithson. They even buy it when we say this is the most talented group we've ever had."

"You're right. Call Ryan."

"We could make up ugly smear campaigns to discredit the other judges to take the heat off Paula."

"Again, this isn't the White House."

"You're right. You're right. Let's go with the vague rumors."

"Now, moving on to the next order of business. Who do we vote off this week? Syesha or Brooke?

"Call it in the air..."

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com.

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