America Idol: Top Ten

03/26/2008 01:06 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Oh no! All those homely baby pictures and overly precious home videos of dorky kids with teeth missing -- this week American Idol was like attending the Bar Mitzvah reception from hell.

"Flattering" was not the look of the night.

Host Ryan Seacrest sported a large frontal cowlick, a tribute to the King of Cool, Ed Grimley. And Paula graced us with long black leather gloves and a shimmering prom dress, perfect for a night on the town with Client 9.

Shameless Fox had the stars of 'Til Death in the front row. Next week Hannity and Colmes will be whooping it up in the mosh pit.

The theme this week was music from the year the contestants were born. My daughter Annie said, "Does that mean David Archuleta is going to sing something from 2001?"

Ramile Mulubay got things off to a rousing thud with "Alone." Her screeching caused garage doors to go up all over America. Ramile's excuse was that she was sick. Can I offer an alternate explanation? She's just not that good.

Jason Castro, the sweet sensitive girl in pants sang some song called "Fragile." I don't know where she got it. I also don't know where she got the Ecstasy but she should not take it before the show.

Syesha Mercade must have been born in 1971 because she sang Gladys Knight's "If I Were Your Woman." Although when Gladys sang it there was a melody. Paula could have used a better choice of words than to call Syesha the "Dark Horse" of the competition.

Every ballad Chikezie sings sounds like "Aladdin" so what difference does it make what he picked? He'll be telling you to remove your shoes and put your laptop in a separate bin within the week.

Brooke White went back to what works -- sitting like a lox at the piano. She has a knack for being able to screw up and still have it come off endearing. This week she had a little stutter at the beginning of her song ("Every Breath You Take") but she recovered with poise and it was a moment that reminded us the show is live and unexpected things can happen. I wish more would. Like wouldn't it be kinda fun if someone's mic cut out for a second or the entire set collapsed?

Michael Johns returned to the Queen card, as he always does. Great performance but I worry when it's Dolly Parton night that the Freddy Mercury interpretation of "9 to 5" is just not going to work.

When they were showing Carly Smithson's adorable baby videos I wish I could have seen her at age three getting her first tattoo. She sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and she's a good singer, there's no question -- but I dunno, she just seems like the Hillary Clinton of the group. It's so clear that everything Carly does is designed solely to WIN!!! I'm waiting for her to say she didn't have sufficient rehearsal time because she was under sniper fire.

What the hell was David Archuleta singing? "You're the Voice"? There are not enough recognizable songs from 2001? But I guess that's what happens when you're so busy stalking Kelly Clarkson that you have no time to listen to the radio.

Kristy Lee Cook followed with the most blatant example of pandering I've ever seen. She sang "God Bless the USA." Yeah, America's going to vote her off singing that. I bet Carly is pissed she didn't think of it. Next week expect her to come out wearing nothing but the American flag singing the Star Spangled Banner while showing off her new tattoo -- the Declaration of Independence which will cover her left arm.

The best performance of the night was the last -- David Cook doing a killer version of "Billie Jean." Only thing is -- the judges fawned all over him for his originality when in fact he was just mimicking the cover by Chris Cornell. It's one thing for the audience to not know, but these judges are supposed to be in the goddamn music business! Simon, there are more recording artists than just Whitney Houston and the Teletubbies.

All in all, it was a better show than last week's character assassination of the Beatles but still, more accurate than "songs from the year you were born" the theme should have been called "songs from the year you were bored."

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