American Idol's 8th Season Premiere

For all the hype about this being the new "improved" American Idol, it was the same. Okay, there's a new judge. More on that later. But speaking of morons, Paula was back. When long running shows in later seasons try to shake things up they REPLACE characters, not add new ones. Charles Winchester for Frank Burns. Rebecca Howe for Diane Chambers. Darren Stevens for Darren Stevens. With the addition of another judge with a brain Paula is now officially as useless as cuff links on pants.

But otherwise, the only thing new for the entire two hours was the Ford commercials. There were the same 100,000 idiots, this time baking for hours in 110 degree temperatures in Phoenix. I suppose someone should have warned them of the possibility of brain damage but really, why? They're sooo far past that.

The show kicks off with a gooey cloying montage, in slow motion, accompanied by the now-cliché song of all time, "Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong (who wouldn't make it out of the opening round, by the way).

We're told by an earnest contestant that American Idol "can make a difference. For one's family. For one's future." Who needs alternative energy when we have American Idol?

We're introduced to the new judge, Kara DioGuardi. Too early to tell whether she's a breath of fresh air or Shemp. But she seems smart (or maybe it's because she sits between Randy and Paula -- Eddie from Fraiser would seem smart), she can sing, and of course she's attractive (this is FOX, where Chloe on 24 is considered disfigured). American Idol's in-depth profile on Kara was a three-minute montage of people mispronouncing her name. Thank you. I really feel like I know her now.

Okay, enough stalling. Let the freak show begin! Included in this initial roundup:

A guy with a giant 'fro. David Archelleta meets Diana Ross.

A tattooed rocker chick with pink/orange hair and tasteful stud in his lip. Drew Barrymore as the Exorcist.

An Axel Rose lookalike who weeps more than Hilary Duff and Ashley Judd combined. There is no crying in head banging heavy metal!

The obligatory "goody-goody" girl-next-door who volunteers at senior centers and vows to stay a virgin until Adam Levine is the guest mentor.

The Hispanic kid who calls himself X-Ray. Everyone else calls him Ex-Straight.

This was a new one - an African American kid with a voice deeper than a fog horn. Poor song selection though: "My First, My Last, My Everything" instead of "Old Man River." Not that he could sing that either but it would have been more amusing.

Here's an American Idol empirical truth: Anyone who wears a hat sucks.

Simon of course put through the insufferable perky girl with marginal talent. She's the blind date that's very pretty and the nanosecond after you have sex you want to kill yourself.

The Kellie Pickler fresh-faced blond country gal who got four yes votes and six invitations to join dinner theater productions of Lil' Abner.

The weird Goth boy who looks like the creepy son on Nip/Tuck. Perfect if there's ever a remake of Harold & Maude.

The callow rosy cheeked nerd who by April will be dressing like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

And my favorite, a hot girl in a bikini. (Thank God, Moesha didn't go this route.) We're just one season away from a hopeful coming into the audition room on her knees.

I was starting to get worried. There were no trailer trash sob stories. No contestants living in Maytag boxes. No daddies serving 20-life. No one put their child up for adoption so they'd have the money to come to the tryout. The "I survived cancer" girl didn't even make it on camera. Was American Idol losing its edge? Ah, but then came the last contestant - a blind guy. Yeah, good luck voting him out.

So far your final two are bikini girl and blind guy. Unless Kansas City has a stripper who sings out of her navel, why even bother?

The show concluded with the standard montage of tone-deaf deluded losers, a segment I like to call "Let's laugh at the truly pathetic." Nice touch ending with the Hasidic cowboy.

Overall the talent level was the same as always. Two or three really good ones (oil rig boy in particular), a few who can carry a tune but you know will be eliminated so fast their luggage will not have arrived at the carousel, and the groan-inducing misfits who get interviewed later, boldly claim "You haven't heard the last of me! I'm going to be a star without American Idol!", and spend the rest of their lives working the back sink at Shoney's.

American Idol has a problem. Even for fans like me who at one time really loved it. There is a sameness now. Throwing in Kara (or is it pronounced "Care-a"?) won't solve that. For the show, and pretty soon Ryan, it's really time for a face lift.

Tonight is another two hour special. For my review just re-read this one.

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com

Comments

[redlinemetro]

Never watched the show. Would rather watch people hard up for attention go through detox. wink wink Dr Drew. You are my preferred train wreck.

[goodgravy]

get a DVR and skip the commercials and FF thru the really bad stuff. it makes for much more enjoyable tryout rounds.

you know the tryouts are over the top. always have always will be. don't watch them and wait until hollywood week to invest your time and questionable writing skills.

as for me, it was good to get and Idol fix again. you all can dis it all you want. i'll be there all season.

[ndolomar]

"When long running shows in later seasons try to shake things up they REPLACE characters, not add new ones."

I politely beg to differ: "Brady Bunch" - cousin whatever-h­is-name-wa­s; "Friends" - the monkey.

Sometimes, they add.

[WriterRoss]

You mean Robbie Rist, who played Cousin Oliver on THE BRADY BUNCH. This is embarrassing to admit but this is the =2nd= time this week I have talked about Cousin Oliver!

[GhostNyc]

Can the powers that be please let this show die gracefully, respectful­ly...oh wait its reality TV...a horrible humilating horrible season with cancellation is almost a given.

[lglglg]

Why would I tune in to "AI" to hear bad "singing"? All I have to do is wait for that commercial promoting the "Wrestler" movie with the atrocious Bruce Springsteen soundtrack.

[nicholasjh1]

To AI reviews and both miscalling someone Goth who is emo, is the older 20's 30's generation so out of touch they don't know EMO when they see it? Emo stock is going up right now. It's pretty foreign to me too though, but they may not be doing a make over on him. At least in the cities it's pretty common now...

[FrancesP]

You are all too cynical. It is not Sheakspeare but it was fun.

[ThePeacemakers]

Now it's fun to try to watch to see who the "planted" professional singer/actors may be.
U really think they're leaving it to chance to find good enough singers to produce a tv season of entertainment?
(On second thought...­.)

[Jamie Frevele - Huffpost Blogger]

I was so looking forward to this column today! I watched the show last night half-tipsy, and I'm vowing to watch every other episode this season in the same state of mind. The mediocrity was overwhelming. This column and alcohol will make this season so special and wonderful.

[Jon Chattman - Huffpost Blogger]

I wrote on this - after watching the show too. Well written post. I don't know if I'll be able to make it to Hollywood Week.

[rikki52b]

For next season (if there is one) you can add five more judges for a total of nine. Put them in a square (always have Paula in the middle) the contestent who gets three X's or O's either diagonally, up and down or across goes to........­Hollywood!

[Jon Chattman - Huffpost Blogger]

Love it! If only Paul Lynde were alive.

[Kenji]

For more problems with X's and Y's, here's Ken's best line:

"A tattooed rocker chick with pink/orange hair and tasteful stud in his lip. "

[KFedUp]

So true, so true and so funny. But how could you leave out the
painful-to-watch highlight of the night....R­yan high-fiving the blind guy. Ouch!

[GreatNews27]

I physically cannot watch another minute of AI. it's the exact same season over and over. Maybe a Drunk AI where all the judges and contestants get hammered before each show. Now THAT would be entertainment.

[Tallulah Morehead - Huffpost Blogger]

Clearly Paula agrees with you, because she's 8 years ahead of you on enacting this excellent suggestion. I always watch AI drunk myself. But then, I always watch everthing drunk.