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Ken Levine Headshot

Break a Leg, Barry

Posted: Updated:

No. Really. In three places.

As Barry Bonds closes in on the great Hank Aaron's all-time homer milestone I think I speak for all baseball fans (outside of the 415 area code) when I say, I hope he trips on a curb and falls into an open manhole.

I will grant you he's a superb hitter and deserving of the Hall of Fame but so what? Auric Goldfinger was an excellent businessman. Lorena Bobbitt could qualify as a terrific mohel. And Benito Mussolini got the trains to run on time. Barry Bonds is a bad guy. He probably took steroids (or swallowed a Macy's Parade balloon), will beat the rap, and will stand by guilt-free as others take the fall for him.

He knows we all hate him and he's laughing. (He's like the George Bush of baseball.)

I remember back in the 1962 when the Dodgers were in a tough pennant race with the Giants and Maury Wills was breaking Ty Cobb's long standing stolen base record. The Dodgers went up to San Francisco for a series and the Giants had flooded the base paths so Wills couldn't run. At the moment Bonds is playing at home but I was hoping that on the road every team would raise their outfield walls by 100 feet. But I also hope we find Osama Bin Laden.

A related issue is should Bud Selig be there to witness the (yawn) historic event? Of course he should!! He's the God damn commissioner of baseball! And since Bonds has never officially been charged of any wrong doing there's no legitimate reason not to go.

Besides, it's a baseball game. Wouldn't the commissioner of baseball WANT to go to a baseball game? This is not a state funeral. Other people want to go to baseball games so much they actually pay to see them. And they don't sit in luxury suites or behind home plate. Selig has been showing up of late but it's always begrudgingly. Come on, Bud. He didn't kill any dogs.

The nation rejoiced when Cal Ripken became baseball's iron man. We cheered Mark McGwire breaking Roger Maris' single season homer mark (what did we know at the time?). Baseball is all about history and records and reaching new heights. We have so few things to cheer about these days. Other than who will win PIRATE MASTER, what?? We'd like to be able to celebrate this... but we can't. Not for a multi-millionaire who during the last baseball strike went to a judge and tried to get a break on his child support payments.

When Bonds hit his 715th blast last year in "Corporate Sponsor's Name Here" Park in San Francisco, passing Babe Ruth for second place, his mother wasn't there, nor was his wife and kids, the Giants' team owner, the so-called "commissioner of baseball" (he was probably trying on new suits deciding which one would be the most comfortable to sleep in), or Willie Mays. He wasn't mobbed by teammates at home plate. Only a handful of national reporters were there. And these guys go anywhere on their papers' dime.

So when Bonds breaks the all-time record (unless we get lucky and Tonya Harding decides to go after him) it will be a huge NON EVENT. Just another reminder that in this day and age the villain often wins. Maybe he can have a drink and celebrate with O.J. Simpson.

Hip hip...whatever.

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