Celebrity Sex Tapes

07/24/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Ken Levine Emmy-Winning Writer/Director/Producer, MLB Announcer

Guys, if you plan on dating actresses make sure you have a good video camera. Spend the extra money and get HD. It's a good investment. Yes, she may make it and leave you for Brad Cooper or Al Pacino but you'll still have the sex tape. Riches and notoriety will surely be yours!

And it's easy because it seems every dumb actress of celebre-wannabe agrees to make a sex tape.

Two latest example right here on HuffPost: Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl and Danielle Staub, the "prostitution whore" (so named by a caring fellow cast mate) of Real Housewives of New Jersey. In both cases their Exes are peddling their XXX's to the highest bidder.

What a great deal! Not only can you brag that you slept with a hot actress you can now make money from it! Sure you might want to lose that spare tire and last longer than twelve seconds (you're on camera too) and it's a good idea not to be married at the time, but with the right ingénue and a zoom lens you could be in the chips!

You'd think the hard part was convincing them to do it. But it's not. All you have to do is say, "Don't worry. No one else will ever see this" and you're in. And that makes sense really. Who would be interested in seeing a future Miss Arkansas on her knees servicing a bartender from El Torito's?

The only problem is this: There's concern that the market may soon become flooded. You'll need that extra something - the Olsen Twins, Carrie Underwood, Nancy Pelosi.

And you better market your tape fast. The nanosecond there's real money in this CAA will start its own division. Sex tapes will become package deals. You can buy Tanya Harding but you have to also take this new girl from Bally's Fitness Center they just signed.

So what are you waiting for? You could be the next internet star! Or, network star if the audience continues to dwindle. Who knows? The day may come when an actress will need to star in a sitcom in order to be popular enough for a sex tape.

God, I love this town!

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