David Letterman's "Real" Apology

Did anyone on the planet buy David Letterman's heartfelt apology on his show Monday night? At least Richard Nixon appeared sorry on the David Frost interview. But Letterman's mea culpa felt so staged and insincere. If Dave really wanted to be honest and really wanted to express his genuine feelings, this is what his apology would have actually sounded like:

DAVE:
First of all, my ratings have gone up 37% so the truth is I feel great about all this.

(applause)

DAVE:
Yeah, there's the issue of hurting my wife but the big risk of coming forward with this was that my numbers would take a big hit -- at least for a while. Michael Jackson owes me a favor and said he'd come on the show.

(big laugh)

PAUL:
He's dead, Dave.

(Paul plays a boogie version of "Don't Fear the Reaper.")

DAVE: (feigning ignorance)
What? Did Liz Taylor sit on him? What happened?

(big big laugh. Paul plays an uptempo stanza of AC/DC's "Overdose". More laughter.)

DAVE:
Oh. Yikes.

PAUL:
It was on the news and in all the papers. Where were you?

DAVE:
Where do you think?

(big big big laugh)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. You'd imagine with the CBS cutbacks that 48 Hours wouldn't have crews to cover that and me but I guess I was wrong. And for that, I'd like to apologize, ladies and gentlemen. Inadvertently, I wasn't thinking ahead.

(applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh, but really, kids. This has been a trying weekend. Normally, I'd turn to my staff for help but that's what got me in this mess in the first place.

(laughter and applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. I told you, Paul. If they can forgive me for hosting the Oscars they can forgive me for anything.

(wild laughter and applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. But getting back to my weekend, I met with my team of lawyers, managers, network spin people - who trust me, have enough to worry about with those Three Rivers reviews -

(laugh)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. Actually I blame CBS. You know how television influences behavior. I was the one person in America who watched Swingtown and that's what all those folks were doing. I'm an impressionable viewer, what can I say?

(laugh, applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. So where was I? Oh yes, my apology. This team of experts spent the better part of Saturday debating whether to deny the charges or apologize. And eventually, they worked out a compromise. So I'm admitting to having illicit affairs with members of my staff but claiming that they were all before my marriage.

(applause)

DAVE:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, I'm touched. But there is one other issue I'd like to address. To Robert Halderman, the CBS New Producer from 48 Hours who hatched this extortion plot -- if you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it. You really hurt me, Bob. I hope when you sit in your cell for the next five to ten, you reflect on my anguish, my discomfort. And when you get out you have some serious making-up to do.

(shouts of "Yeah! Yeah!")

DAVE: (takes a deep breath, then:
Okay, well, that's my apology. Great show tonight! Steve Martin and Martin Short! Stay right here!

(Band plays "Saving All My Love For You" into commercial break.)

Read more from Ken here.

Follow Ken Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/KenLevine

Comments

[MaryscottOConnor]

WHy should I give a rat's patootie who David Letterman sleeps with? I have a feeling that if he propositioned a woman on his staff and she REALLY didn't feel like it and told him so, her job would NOT be in danger. I really don't think his ego is that fragile. And I REALLY don't think he would be STUPID enough to frak with even the HINT of a sexual harassment lawsuit and even INTIMATE the possibility of firing a woman for not sleeping with him.

What I REALLY think is that a woman propositioned by the likes of David Letterman would probably either be flattered AND turned on by either his genuine charisma and/or his power... and go for it -- or turn him down and feel genuinely safe in doing so for the reasons I elaborated above.

Moreover, castigating David Letterman for defending himself in public on his show -- the only way he can, basically, when this whole thing was BOUND to be dragged through the tabloids and the news networks -- and in any manner he saw fit? Patently absurd. This is a case of a man doing what he does best in a situation that is essentially NO ONE'S business but that of the people involved, but was turned into a circus by a sleazy jerk who was after a payday and used illegal and immoral actions to try to get it.

Ignore the slimeball who actually DID commit a crime.

[obtusegoose]

You nailed it. He used his position (as boss) to sleep with staff members. Regardless of whether it was consensual, it was inappropriate in the workplace. Companies have policies in place that forbid this abuse of power. People get fired for this behavior every day. Add in the fact that he cheated on his girl friend/wife of 16 years (which is unbelievably repugnant) and I find his so-called apology insincere and flippant.

[mockley]

Hollywood called - they read the article and want the Emmy back.

[Faraway01]

They're both single consenting adults who were not married at the time of the affair. Why are we still talking about it?

I'm usually a Ken Levine fan, but did not find this funny or even interesting.

[Niet]

Give it a rest. Who cares if he had an affair or whether his apology was sincere. It's nobodies business except his, the women he slept with and his wife's.

[LLisaLL]

Or......maybe Dave kept his apology where it belonged, at home with his wife in private. He never said that was his apology to his wife.

Why is there a mindset today that someone who is famous must live out their personal life in front of the viewing public? Why does his show need to be turned into a confessional for the public to gauge the depth of his sincerity? People want to measure how someone they don't know is feeling and decide if they aren't feeling enough by the way they react to something.

[honoursplendor]

"Or......maybe Dave kept his apology where it belonged, at home with his wife in private." You got it. But that would be something to expect a reasonable person to do. No one expects folks to act like that these days.

[Chrisanne]

Excuse me, but Letterman was the one who chose to unburden his soul on TV, and worse, to play his disgusting behavior for laughs. Evidently his wife was not amused--especially since he failed to apologize to her during his self-serving confession. It's being reported that she asked him to apologize on air. And, of course, once again, it was joke time.

Letterman has the maturity level of a toddler. He's responsible for causing this train wreck, first by his using his office staff as a harem and then by using his show to talk about it. So don't blame the public for stopping to look at the carnage.

[gardengranny]

You have written exactly what I felt about this whole train wreck.

Fanned and faved.

[Promise]

I never read Ken Levine before but I will now! This was perfect!!

[1sparrow]

ken levine knocks it out the park again. i have such a huge affinity for his humor. i swear his brain is one big comic opera (like mine). only i was abused as a child and turned out liberal.

[DarkWitch]

With all the terrible things that are going on in our country and the world right now, why in the world does anyone care about adults having consensual sex? Or whether they apologized right when they were "caught"?

Nero fiddles while Rome burns.

[gardengranny]

Some people do care if prominent men use their status to act in unethical, and possibly illegal, ways.

It doesn't keep us from being concerned about the economy, the wars, health care reform, etc.

Most of us can consider more than one issue at a time.

[TartandSoul]

If you watch Letterman (I do), it's quite obvious he digs pretty girls. Ever see the episode where he had a sexy girl from a Gap commercial enter at his cue and wriggle her hips back and forth across the stage? No shock he's been dipping into the company ink.

But what's curious to me is how these guys have so many women not only willing, but at times, dying to sleep with them. Why do women love womanizers? Check out my post, "Oh, How I Love a Womanizer" and see if you agree:

http://tartandsoul.com/2009/10/04/oh-how-i-love-a-womanizer/

[rzan1]

I thnk Dave actually "likes" women. He also appreciates women who are no longer "girls." I am convinced he had a crush on Oprah. But womanizer or not, I think he is incredibly unattractive.

[poorwriter]

What can I say? You nailed it.