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Ken Levine

Ken Levine

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American Idol -- The Most Fertile Show on Television

Posted: 03/ 4/09 10:49 AM ET

To win on American Idol you have to have a good voice, personality, and poor birth control. It seems like every contestant has at least one child.

Flamboyant Nathanial Marshall's only chance would have been if he stuffed a pillow inside the front of his shirt. If you're going to do Bette Midler don't pick a Meatloaf song. Tonight on the results show he'll finally have something to really cry about.

Lil Rounds has three kids. So she's the frontrunner. She's also an excellent singer but not the second coming like the judges all said. Either they heard something I didn't or they mistakenly think she has five kids.

Ju'not Joyner (I bet he has a tough time finding souvenir coffee mugs with his name on it) has one kid. I worry though. He also appeared to have handcuffs hanging from his black leather jacket. I hope they're not used for "time outs." He too is a nice singer. Or maybe it's just such a relief to not hear someone belt.

Arianna Afsar could be one of the other contestant's child. She's 16 going on 13 trying to pose as 30. She attempted Abba's classic "Winner Takes All." She didn't get one note of the melody right and I'm horrified that I know that.

Just because Felicia Barton looks like Marlo Thomas does not make her "that girl." Felicia originally did not make the top 36 but the producers found out she's a stay-at-home-mom so they called her back. She won't need a baby sitter after tonight.

Scott MacIntyre doesn't have a kid but he's talented, cute, and blind. That's easily good enough for the top 5. But if he really wants to win he should call Octomom and she if she'd spare one or two.

Taylor Valfanua could be Octomom and still wouldn't win. Boring belter. Next!

Kendall Beard is the cute peroxide blond who sings country. So even if she doesn't have a kid everyone assumes that she does.

The judges compared Von Smith to Clay Aiken and Simon had to remind him it was compliment. Poor Clay. It's bad enough his record company dumped him this week. Maybe Von Smith and Nathanial Marshall can adopt.

Kristen McNamara was the cute blond. I forgot what she sang while she was singing it. Goldie Hawn took pictures of her to her plastic surgeon and said, "make me look like this." In two years Ryan Seacrest will do the same thing.

Jorge Nunez has a nice voice but lacks just a bit in the macho department. He cried more than Nathanial.

And finally, there was Alex Wagner-Trugman who set dorks back a hundred years in the cool category. Never dance, Alex. Never! If by some miracle Alex makes it, he'll be the first rock star ever who can't get laid.

Who will go on to the next round? I think Lil, Ju'not, and in a big surprise, Carol Brady.

 

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