American Idol: Adam and the Two Other Guys

06/13/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Some idle Idol questions:

How do they schedule only six songs in 64 minutes and still go over? Especially when, in years past, they'd do nine songs and finish on time.

Was Simon and Ryan in the tanning booth too long? Their skin was the same shade as Bob Evans' - a orange heretofore never seen in nature.

And were they in the same tanning booth?

What was Carrie Underwood doing on Survivor?

Why is Kara even there?

Who were some of those people they showed in the audience? They're now even less familiar than stars of Fox comedies.

Where's the suspense? Adam, Kris, and Danny are like a presidential election between Barack Obama, Ralph Nader, and Lyndon LaRouche.

Now to the performances. The judges chose one song and the contestants got to choose the other.

Danny Gokey, as per Paula's suggestion, did some forgettable song about a dancing relative, originally sung by Trent D'Arby, an artist whose name was so forgettable he forgot it himself and now is known as Sananda Maitreya. Simon criticized the song choice (I love that) and the hens were split on Danny's dancing. I thought he did fine and could become the most nonthreatening performer to have a hit on the rock charts since the Singing Nun.

His other song was Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful." I know I'm going to take heat for this but I was disappointed. Joe Cocker had heart, Joe Cocker had raw emotion, Joe Cocker had seizures. I felt none of that from Danny. Just vocal gymnastics. Rarely will a guy plead his love to a girl by blasting a note to her across the Acropolis.

Kris Allen did "Apologize" as per Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber's suggestion. Maybe the best moment of the year was when Simon called out Kara for picking this nothing song and then criticizing Kris' performance of it. Kara is that obnoxious cousin every family has that you hate yourself for thinking this but you wish she had married Ike Turner.

Kris' next number, Kanye West's "Heartless" was better. The judges thought his acoustic arrangement was daring and risky. Sorry but that's pushing it a little. Daring and risky is tackling an acoustic arrangement when you don't know how to play guitar.

Of course Simon had the best song selection - "One" by U2 for Adam Lambert. And of course Adam (who went back to the Joey Heatherton look) gave the performance of the night. Although, is it just me or is his high-pitched screech getting just a tad annoying? Please don't burn a big A on my lawn. I'm just askin'.

For his own number Adam did Aerosmith's "Cryin'". At this point he could have done the "Unicorn Song" and still received the same four blowjobs from the judges. He's a lock to win American Idol and either become the next Elvis Presley or Bette Midler.

And for Kris and Danny, hey, losing isn't so bad. At least you don't have to go to Africa.

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