THE BLOG
01/15/2008 10:43 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

If 24 Had Been On

Like many of you, I was eagerly awaiting the beginning of another
season of 24 Sunday night and am disappointed it will be put off for
another year. However, I have EXCLUSIVE advance information on what
happens the first four hours (two-night premiere). The hell with a
spoiler alert, you're going to want to read this -- whether you're a 24
fan or not.

**********

The following takes place between 1:00 and 2:00 PM.

It's one year later. In an effort to slow things down in his life, Jack
quits CTU and joins the U.S. Post Office, assigned to their Culver City
branch. He's making the adjustment well. For the entire first hour he
is helping one customer. She needs stamps.

2:00:00

The following takes place between 2:00 and 3:00 PM

He finally says "next!" and his next customer is former
colleague/computer geek/charm school drop out Chloe. She's frantic. She
just had a baby and it was kidnapped. If she doesn't pay the ransom in
one hour it will be killed. Jack asks why she waited until the last
minute? She says she didn't. She's been in line for six hours!
Fortunately, Jack is owed a break (since he hadn't had one in over
ninety minutes). He calls his daughter Kim who is currently kidnapped
herself. Leave it to Kim to have a 'tude. "I've been locked in this
cellar for like what, eight months? And this is maybe the second time
you've called?" Jack feels tremendous guilt for one second then presses
on. Does Kim know anything about the Chloe kidnapping? "Oh sure, it's
always MY captors!" Jack says that's not it. Maybe she's heard
something. Kidnapper scuttlebutt, shop talk, an inquiry to sublet the
cellar? Kim says she's got to go, they're changing her ropes.

Chloe is beside herself but has to tell Jack that because he'd never
guess from her blank expression. He vows to see what he can do but
could Chloe help out by providing him the blueprints of every building
in Los Angeles? She says no problem, that'll only take a minute, and
returns to CTU, which has now been relocated to where Tower Records
used to be on the Sunset Strip (other than the electric fence that
encircles it and the armed guards on the roof you'd think they were
still open and selling the Taylor Hicks' CD for 80% off).

Seven minutes later she has a lead. In a stroke of luck that could only
happen on 24 it seems the ransom note was written on personal
stationery. Abdul-Paula Shakira, terrorist organizer/AMPTP public
relations consultant. Fortunately he's only two blocks away. Jack
hijacks a mail truck and heads over there. The postal inspector is
irate. Jack has broken protocol! A madcap chase ensues at 5 m.p.h. with
other postal vehicles in hot pursuit. Shots are fired. Hundreds are
dead.

While in one of the many tunnels that Culver City is famous for, Jack
gets a call on his cellphone. Reception is perfect! It's former
President Wayne Palmer, now a sous-chef at Duke Ziebert's in Washington
D.C. He just learned that Jack's former flame Audrey Raines has had
another breakdown. She thinks she's an actress. Audrey's been admitted
to the local drooling academy. They're scheduled to administer shock
treatment that will probably kill her, or at least render her lifeless
(which is how she always was anyway).

Jack calls Chloe. Stall the kidnappers. He has one thing he has to do
first. What? Fly to Washington D.C. and rescue Audrey. Chloe is upset
(not visibly or audibly of course). She got him the blueprints and
everything. Jack is annoyed. Why doesn't anyone trust him? He's saved
the world seven times already for Chrissakes! You'd think he'd be
entitled to a little respect. Chloe begrudgingly says okay but still
believes he took steroids. New co-worker Karl Rove overhears this
conversation and sends a text message to his Iranian wife who is in the
middle of breaking down an M-16. Jack turns around and heads to LAX,
which conveniently is only two blocks away. Audrey is in a padded cell
doing the Faye Dunaway "wire hangers" speech from MOMMY DEAREST. Kim's
captors are filling out their tax forms, listing her as a deduction.

3:00:00

The following takes place between 3 and 4 PM.

A nuclear bomb explodes outside Washington D.C. Fortunately, this does
not interrupt air travel. Chloe calls the kidnappers, says, "If you
kill Juno (her baby) you won't get the Anthrax shipment. Why you'd even
want Anthrax I can't imagine but it's going to take longer to remove
from the government's secret storage warehouse at 10875 Magnolia Blvd."
Abdul-Paula will give her another hour but ups the ransom as a penalty.
She must now also bring $8.95 for the Huggies. Chloe asks if he is
responsible for the nuclear blast. Abdul-Paula is enraged. "Sure, it's
always the TERRORISTS!"

Chloe calls Jack to update him. Fortunately, he gets cellphone service
at 35,000 feet. Jack now has one hour to get to Washington D.C., save
Audrey, find out who set off the bomb, then fly back to Los Angeles to
rescue Chloe's baby.

4:00:00

The following takes place between 4:00 and 5:00 PM

Jack lands at Dulles Airport and catches a cab to the city. A postal
worker spots him and another chase ensues. Hundreds more are dead.
Since there's no traffic in Washington DC (enough commuters were killed
in the nuclear blast to make driving a real pleasure) he arrives
downtown in five minutes.

The President calls. President Taylor (played this season by Cherry
Jones: pictured) heard Jack was in town and has a special top secret
mission for him. He's instructed to report to the White House. He calls
Chloe but there's pandemonium at CTU. Apparently someone released nerve
gas and only Karl Rove happened to have a gas mask. Fortunately, Chloe
locks herself in the conference room, which like all glass-enclosed
rooms is sealed air tight. Chloe's baby has an accident and as
Abdul-Paula goes for the handi-wipes the baby accidentally activates a
timer to a series of suitcase bombs that in two minutes will blow up
every Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles.

Jack arrives at the White House and is ushered into the Oval Office.
President Taylor hands him a letter. "This is my Verizon bill. It's
overdue. See that it's sent by midnight tonight." The bomb timer ticks
away. 5 seconds...4 seconds...3 seconds...2 seconds...1 second. BOOM!
Fortunately there are no Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles so the damage is
minimal.

Jack is about to leave when President Taylor stops him. She has one
more thing he needs to look at. The CIA and Oprah's people did some
uncovering and apparently Jack's great-great grandfather was Hitler.
Audrey is being strapped to electrodes. Applause from the attendants.
Chloe is calling maintenance to come fix the air conditioner. It's
stuffy in the sealed conference room. Karl Rove's wife is downloading
music illegally. Former President Palmer prepares Banana Foster. Kim
and her captors rob a Hibernia Bank branch in San Francisco. Jack goose
steps to a mailbox.

5:00:00

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com