Mariah Carey is Destroying the World!!

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Oh no!

First the war, then the stock market plummets, Global Warming is shown to be real, the housing market collapses, unemployment skyrockets, and yet none of that has prepared us for the tragedy that has rocked this planet to its very core. It's hard to even write these words without breaking down but...

Mariah Carey now has more number one singles than Elvis Presley.

The unspeakable horror!! Oh the humanity!!

At what point do we just say we can't go on? At what point do we stop believing in God?

No matter what hardship we had to endure -- from terrorism to Ellen's little doggie being recalled - at least we had Elvis. My father, who lived through the Depression and Chevy Chase talk show said he never thought he'd see the day.

When gas prices went to $4.00 a gallon and my children were inconsolable I took their hands and said, "Kids, it's okay. The King has 17 number ones. No one will ever surpass him."

Now what do I tell them?

Oh...if only...

If only "Wear My Ring Around Your Neck", "Now and Then There's a Fool Such as I", "Can't Help Falling In Love", and "Return To Sender" hadn't finished at number two. I blame myself. I could have bought "Return To Sender" but no, I had to give that money to Jerry's kids. Now and then there is such a fool as I.

Radio is also at fault. Stations never gave his masterpiece "Rock-A-Hula Baby" the exposure it deserved. There's no reason that song shouldn't be the number one song of ALL-TIME. Or at least the official state song of Hawaii or Colorado.

And why penalize Elvis for stretching himself artistically, for challenging his audience? "Do The Clam" will live on long after "Rhapsody in Blue" fades into the mist of time.

Mariah Carey?! Who is this eighteen-year upstart? So her highest octave is two octaves higher than a normal soprano? Can she sing while doing judo moves? I think not.

Has she paid her dues? Look at her movie career. Glitter? It is to laugh. Compare that with Live A Little, Love A Little, Clambake, Tickle Me, Girls! Girls! Girls!, The Trouble With Girls, Girl Happy, Charro, Roustabout, It Happened At The World's Fair, and of course Harem Scarum.

And how many Mariah Carey impersonators have you seen (with the exception of at least four on American Idol every season)?

We need the healing to begin. We as Americans need to reach down deep and draw upon that resilience that has always served us through such dire times. But we can't do it ourselves. The psychic damage is far too great. A couple of things need to happen.

For the sake of this country and - oh let's just say it - mankind, Mariah Carey has to retire. Sorry. She'll find other work. She can always host a VH-1 reality show or learn a trade at the DeVry Institute.

And RCA records needs to re-release a few Elvis songs. If everyone in the United States buys copies of "Rubberneckin'", "Kiss Me Quick", and "Old Shep" Elvis Presley can reclaim his rightful crown (of being number three behind the Beatles and Bing Crosby) and order can once again be restored to the universe.

Can we do it? It's up to you.

Thank you and viva Las Vegas!

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com

Comments

[TJinSoCal]

Mariah is a giant, singing ego, self-centered and a total diva. Her ex-husband could probably confirm that she's willing to anything (or anyone) to advance her career aka "whore". She has zero personality and just because she can make your ears bleed does not make her talented.

[commentguy1234]

Carey is an amazing singer, Elvis not so much. Elvis was a great performer and personality, but let's face it: he didn't write the songs for which he is known, at least Carey did. And the songs for which he is known, not all that much different than the "fluff" you decry Mariah Carey for. As for the whole #1 songs thing, payola makes every #1 song suspect. It could be worse: Aslee Simpson could have more #1 songs than Elvis. She doesn't write her own songs -- she doesn't even sing them.

[expanse]

True about Ashlee Simpson. Carey is above her, I agree. Mariah gave yet another sketchy performance on Oprah today. She is not an amazing singer. She has no interpretive skills, a hallmark of a good singer( regardless of a great voice or mediocre one).

Mariah Carey's songs are not even close to the same league as Elvis. She doesn't have a classic song at all. Its sad.

[rektruax]

"She doesn't write her own songs "

Neither did Presley actually. On occasion an arrangement was made with a song writer to share credit with Elvis, (just to get Elvis to record their songs) but Presley didn't actually write anything. In his own words...

"I don't write 'em, I just sing "em"

[CowgirlAmy]

Mariah Carey cannot sing anymore. Her voice is shot. Besides that, she has never given a credible live performance in her life. There are dozens of singers far far better than she could ever hope to be.

Her songwriting skills are a joke. She plays it safe, all the time. Fluff song after fluff song. None of them memorable. Yet because she is always so commercially safe, that is why she has 18 #1's. Carey is not a legend nor icon.

I am astonished that her fans have the audacity to say Elvis and the Beatles were less talented. How do you respond to that?

[magen]

What's wrong with you????

Elvis was a fat, drug addicted, racist, imposter

I'd rather listen to hot, sexy, slutty Mariah Carey any day.

[Nommo]

Exactly

[BeerHolder]

There's a huge difference between being a great singer and a great song writer. Mariah is NOT a great song writer. Eva Cassidy could sing circles around her going and coming so she's not the greatest singer ever. Now, if she would pick better material that would be a huge plus. Being a professional musician myself I wouldn't walk across the street to hear her. No one will remember any of her songs five minutes after she's dead. Elvis will be remembered forever because he made her career possible.

Conway Twitty had something like fifty #1's so Mariah still has a way to go. Let's just hope she doesn't try to act again.

[Alvin4NY]

There is a big difference in what it took to get a country song to # 1 on the "Billboard Country Chart" - and what it takes to make it to Billboards Hot 100. Conway Twitty did have 40 Number One Country hits, but it would take the sales of all of those combined, to match the sales it took to have a song like "Islands In The Stream" by Kenny & Dolly make Billboards Hot 100 for two weeks. In the days of Conway, very few country acts were achieving Gold or Platinum record status. (Tammy Wynette, Lynn Anderson, Dolly and Kenny being rare exceptions..)
The charts are not even relative anymore. Neither are A/R people. We've got a handful of competing artists (chart-wise) and a bunch of programming directors calling the shots. Your better off on your own label with a YouTube video.

[rektruax]

"Islands In The Stream" by Kenny & Dolly

Actually that piece was written the Gibb's. Barry even produced the big hit version by Kenny and Dolly.

[AdamWykle]

Elvis is only memorable because of a handful of his songs and definately his look. Mariah on the otherhand has written some of the most memorable music of our era. Though she has 18 amazing #1's, she has more than a dozen #2's and #3's as well. She is incredible.

Also Mr. Levine, though Glitter was a complete and total mess, she did an indie movie around that same time called "Wisegirls" that has won a few awards and proves she really does know how to act. You can find it at your nearest Blockbuster. Don't hate, appreciate.

[Wanjiru]

...give props where props are due...

...Mariah Carey is THE greatest, most talented singer on the planet today...her vocal abilities and her range are out of this world...

...Elvis' "greatness", on the other hand, was a sheer creation of the white PR machine...without which he would have been just another rock-and-roll wannabe singer in a karaoke bar...

.

[StanTheManic]

It's OK, Ken. Springsteen has a total of ZERO #1 Billboard hits. Paul Newman didn't win an Oscar until Marisa Tomei had one. Sometimes these things just happen.

[mawrm]

Ha Ha!! Don't be hating on my girl Mariah Carey having the most Number #1 Hits!! You know deep down in your emotions, you want to be Mariah's dream lover and someday tell her, "Honey, you're my hero, my all, and I thank God I found you. You know I still believe we belong to together and you'll always be my baby. I know love takes time but I'll be there for you always. I'm a strong man and I don't want to cry, but please Mariah, don't forget about us!" Yeap, your vision of love is all a fantasy and no, she's not gonna tell you to "Touch My Body".

*he he* (yes, they're all listed above!)

[MorallyChallenged]

All I know about Mariah Carey is that live video where she wore those skintight black pants. No sequined white jumpsuit could ever top that.

[instagladiator]

Elvis who?

[Unrepentantliberal]

A #1 single ain't what it used to be. That's also why I don't care how many records Michael Jackson or anyone else has sold more than the Beatles. Elvis, the Fab Four, Dylan....the talents f these people and others created a giant music industry out of an essentially mom and pop size business.

Miriah, Michael, The Backstreet Whatevers.......they just came along and were propelled to fame by the monster hit making machinery. Ya, they sold allot of records. No big deal.

[sufi66]

Also music is bought and played in more forms today than ever before, so the numbers reflect this.

[SILVANUS]

She is the aural equivalent of torture porn.

[Devver]

She's singing? I thought she was yodelling..............

[jubo]

Gams over guns.

[REZBOO]

Elvis wasn't an original, just a ersatz repackag of pseudo soul for the masses.

And if anyone thinks the Beatles could sing--or-- were GREAT song writers--well, that's just SAD.

REALITY CHECK: The same system that alows American Idol to audition over 100k people-- and the best they can find are mostly blonde chicks that have to sing about America not to get cut, and pitiful Brooke (just pitiful) and the jive Jason who is apparently resurrecting and channeling "Tiny Tim," says it all. Stop into a black church on any given Sunday (even Rev. Wrights) and EVERY choir member shoudl have a record deal, if musical "success" was about SINGING.

MUSIC is a Business and is about packaging and promotion. How else to explain Britney-- or even Madonna for that matter.

[sufi66]

Elvis was original. Influenced by many musical forms, but still unique.

[Nommo]

Elvis was anything but original. In point of fact, he was among the original notions of packaging. Remember "race records"? It was a way to get that sound without having to get if from those that originated it.

[MorallyChallenged]

Thanks for setting the world straight on all this Rezboo. And thank god Leonard Bernstein is no longer alive. The fool, he thought the Beatles were actually great songwriters. Apparently they couldn't hold a candle to Archie Bell and the Drells.

[MikeB08]

Really funny stuff....thanks