My Bitchy Emmy Review

James Spader over James Gandolfini??? Sally Field over Edie Falco? Ricky Gervais over Alec Baldwin?? Thomas Hayden Church over anybody???

What was the Television Academy thinking?? Were they just trying to stir up controversy in a desperate attempt to out-rate last week's Chabad Telethon? Were the results tabulated in Florida? Were the voters simply on peyote, as most Americans suspect?

Trust me, if O.J. knew how easy it was to steal an Emmy, he and his gunmen would be on stage thanking their parole officers.

Ryan Seacrest hosted the show. Also the red carpet show, the post-Emmys party show, the Channel 11 news, and the Chargers-Patriots halftime show on NBC.

How painful was his opening monologue? First of all, why the hell was he even DOING an opening monologue? Ryan, you introduce people. That's your gift. You don't try to be funny. You don't wear silly costumes. You give out phone numbers. You tell people when to vote.

For examples of really funny, see Lewis Black. His rant on the idiocy of television executives and screen clutter was brilliant, hilarious, and I'm sure the message that every television executive took from that is "Let's never hire him."

I want to know what the censors cut out. They did it so artfully, by the way, just cutting the sound and showing an ugly black disco ball. I'm guessing they bleeped Ray Romano for suggesting that his screen wife Patty Heaton was now banging Kelsey Grammer and since they disco-balled Katherine Heigl when she stood to get her award, I imagine she mouthed an objectionable word. Fox has to be very careful not to offend lip readers.

Red carpet hosts, Joan and Melissa Rivers have gone from E! to the TV Guide Channel to this year where they're blogging. Next step down is "two cranks in a bar." Expect that by 2009.

I do still wish they were on the red carpet, however. Wouldn't you love to see it? In addition to their stupid questions, now they'd be asking the celebrities to type in their answers.

The event was held at the cavernous Shrine auditorium. Capacity: Everyone who ever watched Happy Hour.

They used a theater-in-the-round stage. I kept expecting a presenter to say, "Okay, now let's play...The Weakest Link!"

Gee, the montage of late night host one-liners took an odd turn. They went from a flurry of President Bush is an idiot jokes right into a somber tribute to Tom Snyder.

I felt sorry for the booth announcer. Not only did Katherine Heigl correct the pronunciation of her name on the air, the announcer couldn't talk back. She couldn't say, "This is Ms. Hy-GEL'S's first win, an upset because there are many people who feel she ruined Grey's Anatomy this season."

Okay, I'm extra bitchy this year. But James Spader????

How come Jon Cryer is considered a supporting actor when his character is represented in the title of the show?

One of my favorite moments was the big dance number with Glenn Close and the black-robed judges from Damages. Oh wait ... that was Jon Voight and the rabbis on the Chabad telethon. I'm so confused.

Al Gore is the only man who's won an Oscar and now an Emmy and they're both considered consolation prizes.

You could tell Robert Duvall won for a cowboy movie. Even while standing he looked like he was riding a horse.

The best acceptance speech wasn't even aired. It was Elaine Stritch's from a week ago. "I'm a recovering alcoholic, a riddled diabetic and I've got laryngitis -- but I just won an Emmy!"

American Idol "Gives Back" resulted in American Idol "Gets Back." They finally won an Emmy. Next year look for the very special Two and a Half Men "Gives Back" episode.

The Roots tribute on its 30th anniversary was lovely.

When was the last time you actually WATCHED a mini-series? For me, I'd have to say Roots.

On the other hand, the Jersey Boys tribute to The Sopranos really didn't need footage of Adriana being shot and other violent scenes during the touching love song, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You".

This may be the last year of HBO's dominance at the Emmys but more recognition is in their future. They should be scoring quite a few AVN porn awards next January with Tell Me You Love Me. Michelle Borth should beat out Connie Lingis for "Best Actress in an Oral Sex Scene" and the pilot script should triumph over "Lawrence of Her Labia."

But let's get back to the Emmys where class and dignity reigns. The song of the year was "Dick in the Box" beating out "Everything Comes Down to Poo."

Fox completely ignored Kathy Griffin's acceptance speech from a week ago when she said Jesus had nothing to do with her win. She was wrong. Jesus has EVERYTHING to do with who gets recognized. Proof is that Debra Messing was nominated. Again! For acting!

It's not fair that producers who have to turn out 22 or 24 hour episodes of drama a year must compete with producers who complete 13 episodes in a year and a half.

Has Helen Mirren ever NOT won? If there's a nuclear attack, I want to be under Helen Mirren.

Nominating Minnie Driver and not Eddie Izzard for The Riches is like nominating Pam Dawber and not Robin Williams for Mork & Mindy.

The people in the first ten rows you don't recognize are called "seat fillers". When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they're replaced by the "nominated writers."

It would be easier for Jack Bauer to disarm a dirty bomb, find Osama bin Laden, end world hunger, and build an Ikea baby crib than to repeat as an Emmy winner after this dismal season of 24.

Can ANYONE remember last year's Movie of Week winner? And that includes the winners themselves?

Choreographer Louis van Amstel must feel great. Out of the four nominees for Outstanding Choreography he is the only one who DIDN'T win.

Brad Garrett always tells two jokes too many.

Michael C. Hall from Dexter deserved to win. And if he'd been nominated I'm sure he would have. Jesus apparently doesn't shell out the $14.95 a month for Showtime.

Bill Maher is now Emmy's biggest single loser with 19 defeats. I'm sure Republicans and Angela Lansbury are thrilled. New Rule: Only Arianna Huffington can be on the Blue Ribbon Committees.

Every time Sally Field wins an award I wind up saying the same thing, "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!!" Play the "get off" music the second her name is announced.

Steve Carell's acceptance speech was so great I only wish he had won.

I was happy for America Ferrara, Greg Daniels, Tony Bennett, Tony Bennett, Terry O'Quinn (although I'd be happier for Michael Emerson), Robert Duvall, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Tony Bennett.

I was THRILLED for Tina Fey and 30 Rock. Not that the Emmys mean anything, especially now that James Spader has beaten out James Gandolfini, but hopefully this win will bring more viewers to this very deserving and funny comedy.

And it's hard to argue with The Sopranos taking Best Drama. Although, considering the way the Academy voted this year, I'm shocked it wasn't beaten out by Kidnapped.

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com.

Comments

[Pythia]

Spader, Gandolfini, as far as I'm concerned, the one who really got stiffed was James Purefoy, not even nominated for his role as Marc Antony in "Rome". Helen's not the only Brit who deserves her accolades.

[Dolphin]

You are absolutely right, Ken, and I agree. On the whole award galas are mostly boring, but this one left a "so?" feeling afterwards.

We all have our favourites and I have never been able to watch "The Office" or "Extras" because of Ricky Gervais. Although Jack Donaghy in "30 Rock" is a bullying boss just like his British collegue, Alec Baldwin manages to spread the feeling that it was the employees themselves who made his decisions - clever; of course Alec would have been the winner (the fact that Ricky Gervais was not around said it all - he probably knows he is not THAT fun).

And what is funny with a man in tux walking on stage with a leaf blower??

But it was nice to see Tony Bennett looking as fresh as ever - always something to be happy about.

[PhxJustice]

The Emmies were on Sunday night? Damn glad that my companies, Hyde Park Productions (look for us to win a 2008 GayVN award for "Twink Dreams") and Dark Realm Productions were raising money at Rocks in Albany for AIDS charities.

Our Knightboyz (Ryan Meyers, Jamie Knight, Eric Kadin, Wes Dynasty & Jerrick Dalton) helped raise $1500 in 3 hours!

So much better than waisting time watching the Emmies.

[mexamerican]

i can't believe anyone watches network drivel anymore and especially an award show for the drivel. as woody allen says in annie hall, in los angeles, they don't pick up the garbage, they give it awards.

[Leper]

>>I felt sorry for the booth announcer. Not only did Katherine Heigl correct the pronunciation of her name on the air, the announcer couldn't talk back.

I couldn't disagree with you more. The ONLY thing the booth announcer has to do is get the names right. Mispronouncing Ms Heigl's name is bush-league... like the censoring of Sally Fields, or putting everyone in a circle like some mutant campfire gathering. At least half could watch the winners address them, while the other half get to look at their butts.

What a disgraceful production. Ryan Seacrest was the least of the problem.

[studioh!]

Can anyone explain to me why Boston Legal is considered drama?

Or why Duval was pitching working in Canada? On a cowboy movie that he himself said was strictly an American thing?

And Target would like to thank Tony Bennett for product placement mention now that Macy's has co-opted their advertising and sales thematics.

Personally, I always like the late night writer intros-particularly great this year.

[Charity]

"The people in the first ten rows you don't recognize are called "seat fillers". When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they're replaced by the 'nominated writers.'"

ahhhhh. out of many, my favorite.

no respect - ya just don't get no respect.

love ya, levine - come see me and bring milch with you (chaps optional but swearing is essential).

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[ajmediator]

tsk tsk tsk........maybe just maybe the Emmy suits actually went non-political.

[caril]

Men in Trees is the best comedy ever... ABC botched up its schedule so badly last year that I guess it wasn't nominated for anything, but

it is starting again on Fridays in October... don't miss it, it's from the woman who did Sex in the City and is really a breath of fresh air compared to the typical stale predictable TV comedies.

[Jey]

I liked what Sally Field said, though you in America couldn't hear because your freedom has been taken away by censorship and the media.

[JustJoeKing]

I'm not a James Spader fan at all, but James Gandolfini was not deserving anyway. It's been years since he's played that part with real passion -- the last several seasons were just him playing James Gandolfini playing Tony Soprano.

Rickey Gervais is a comedic genius and I have no problem with him besting Baldwin. Maybe Extras isn't your cup of tea, but he probably won more for his work on BBC's The Office in much the same way Scorsese won a long-overdue Oscar for Goodfellas/Raging Bull/Taxi Driver but they had to pretend it was for The Departed instead.

[Monette Monet]

I agree that Ricky Gervais would make reading the phonebook, in monotone, a comic delight. Alec Bladwin is very good though, but Ricky is a natural. And, there would not be an American version of "The Office" were it not for Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
Not an awards show watcher anymore, but sure would like to see Hugh Laurie get the recognition he seriously deserves.

[tablogloid]

How could the Emmy Awards be a good show? It's television, and as Frank Zappa sang,"...Have you guessed me yet? I'm the slime coming out of your tv set."

[britomart]

Ok, so Robert Duvall is a wonderful actor, but I'm surprised no one's commented on his rather tasteless comments during his acceptance speeches....forgetting the name of the country 'north of the border', talking about how those '5 Chinese gals' did a great job, and commenting on the 'jewish' guys playing cowboys. And Sally Field was censored?

[enoughalready]

Sorry, James Spader was brilliant in Boston Legal. He earned that Emmy. Watch his courtroom scenes and you come away with an understanding of why he won. Gandofini, though brilliant, had lost his luster for me.

Loved Sally Field and thought that win was deserved also. Ricky Gervais is wonderful, if anyone has seen his OFFICE on the BBC and then EXTRAS you will get a hint of the comic genius of this man. I do love Alec Baldwin and I thought it would come down to either Baldwin or Gervais. America Ferrara is a breath of fresh air and I don't miss UGLY BETTY. I thought again best comedy would be either UGLY BETTY or 30 ROCK. Tina Fey won for 30 ROCK and congrats to her genius.

[DanOregon]

The show was plagued by glitches, what was with the glitch in the middle of the "in memoriam" segment?, Romano has never been funny (a rich man's Zach Braff), Brad Garrett was tasteless, Neil Patrick Harris ogling an 18-year-old (he remembers that he came out right?), Sally Field getting cut for "g-damn?"And maybe I'm just tiring of Carell's schtick, but I don't think he's going to last much longer.
Liked the opening song from Family Guy, good to see Kyle Chandler of Friday Night Lights, but you could have had better winners from those not nominated. Disappointed not to see Britney or Kathy Griffin. Thought Maher's crew had the best writer's nomination vignette.