09/17/2007 10:34 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

My Bitchy Emmy Review

James Spader over James Gandolfini??? Sally Field over Edie Falco? Ricky Gervais over Alec Baldwin?? Thomas Hayden Church over anybody???

What was the Television Academy thinking?? Were they just trying to stir up controversy in a desperate attempt to out-rate last week's Chabad Telethon? Were the results tabulated in Florida? Were the voters simply on peyote, as most Americans suspect?

Trust me, if O.J. knew how easy it was to steal an Emmy, he and his gunmen would be on stage thanking their parole officers.

Ryan Seacrest hosted the show. Also the red carpet show, the post-Emmys party show, the Channel 11 news, and the Chargers-Patriots halftime show on NBC.

How painful was his opening monologue? First of all, why the hell was he even DOING an opening monologue? Ryan, you introduce people. That's your gift. You don't try to be funny. You don't wear silly costumes. You give out phone numbers. You tell people when to vote.

For examples of really funny, see Lewis Black. His rant on the idiocy of television executives and screen clutter was brilliant, hilarious, and I'm sure the message that every television executive took from that is "Let's never hire him."

I want to know what the censors cut out. They did it so artfully, by the way, just cutting the sound and showing an ugly black disco ball. I'm guessing they bleeped Ray Romano for suggesting that his screen wife Patty Heaton was now banging Kelsey Grammer and since they disco-balled Katherine Heigl when she stood to get her award, I imagine she mouthed an objectionable word. Fox has to be very careful not to offend lip readers.

Red carpet hosts, Joan and Melissa Rivers have gone from E! to the TV Guide Channel to this year where they're blogging. Next step down is "two cranks in a bar." Expect that by 2009.

I do still wish they were on the red carpet, however. Wouldn't you love to see it? In addition to their stupid questions, now they'd be asking the celebrities to type in their answers.

The event was held at the cavernous Shrine auditorium. Capacity: Everyone who ever watched Happy Hour.

They used a theater-in-the-round stage. I kept expecting a presenter to say, "Okay, now let's play...The Weakest Link!"

Gee, the montage of late night host one-liners took an odd turn. They went from a flurry of President Bush is an idiot jokes right into a somber tribute to Tom Snyder.

I felt sorry for the booth announcer. Not only did Katherine Heigl correct the pronunciation of her name on the air, the announcer couldn't talk back. She couldn't say, "This is Ms. Hy-GEL'S's first win, an upset because there are many people who feel she ruined Grey's Anatomy this season."

Okay, I'm extra bitchy this year. But James Spader????

How come Jon Cryer is considered a supporting actor when his character is represented in the title of the show?

One of my favorite moments was the big dance number with Glenn Close and the black-robed judges from Damages. Oh wait ... that was Jon Voight and the rabbis on the Chabad telethon. I'm so confused.

Al Gore is the only man who's won an Oscar and now an Emmy and they're both considered consolation prizes.

You could tell Robert Duvall won for a cowboy movie. Even while standing he looked like he was riding a horse.

The best acceptance speech wasn't even aired. It was Elaine Stritch's from a week ago. "I'm a recovering alcoholic, a riddled diabetic and I've got laryngitis -- but I just won an Emmy!"

American Idol "Gives Back" resulted in American Idol "Gets Back." They finally won an Emmy. Next year look for the very special Two and a Half Men "Gives Back" episode.

The Roots tribute on its 30th anniversary was lovely.

When was the last time you actually WATCHED a mini-series? For me, I'd have to say Roots.

On the other hand, the Jersey Boys tribute to The Sopranos really didn't need footage of Adriana being shot and other violent scenes during the touching love song, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You".

This may be the last year of HBO's dominance at the Emmys but more recognition is in their future. They should be scoring quite a few AVN porn awards next January with Tell Me You Love Me. Michelle Borth should beat out Connie Lingis for "Best Actress in an Oral Sex Scene" and the pilot script should triumph over "Lawrence of Her Labia."

But let's get back to the Emmys where class and dignity reigns. The song of the year was "Dick in the Box" beating out "Everything Comes Down to Poo."

Fox completely ignored Kathy Griffin's acceptance speech from a week ago when she said Jesus had nothing to do with her win. She was wrong. Jesus has EVERYTHING to do with who gets recognized. Proof is that Debra Messing was nominated. Again! For acting!

It's not fair that producers who have to turn out 22 or 24 hour episodes of drama a year must compete with producers who complete 13 episodes in a year and a half.

Has Helen Mirren ever NOT won? If there's a nuclear attack, I want to be under Helen Mirren.

Nominating Minnie Driver and not Eddie Izzard for The Riches is like nominating Pam Dawber and not Robin Williams for Mork & Mindy.

The people in the first ten rows you don't recognize are called "seat fillers". When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they're replaced by the "nominated writers."

It would be easier for Jack Bauer to disarm a dirty bomb, find Osama bin Laden, end world hunger, and build an Ikea baby crib than to repeat as an Emmy winner after this dismal season of 24.

Can ANYONE remember last year's Movie of Week winner? And that includes the winners themselves?

Choreographer Louis van Amstel must feel great. Out of the four nominees for Outstanding Choreography he is the only one who DIDN'T win.

Brad Garrett always tells two jokes too many.

Michael C. Hall from Dexter deserved to win. And if he'd been nominated I'm sure he would have. Jesus apparently doesn't shell out the $14.95 a month for Showtime.

Bill Maher is now Emmy's biggest single loser with 19 defeats. I'm sure Republicans and Angela Lansbury are thrilled. New Rule: Only Arianna Huffington can be on the Blue Ribbon Committees.

Every time Sally Field wins an award I wind up saying the same thing, "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!!" Play the "get off" music the second her name is announced.

Steve Carell's acceptance speech was so great I only wish he had won.

I was happy for America Ferrara, Greg Daniels, Tony Bennett, Tony Bennett, Terry O'Quinn (although I'd be happier for Michael Emerson), Robert Duvall, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Tony Bennett.

I was THRILLED for Tina Fey and 30 Rock. Not that the Emmys mean anything, especially now that James Spader has beaten out James Gandolfini, but hopefully this win will bring more viewers to this very deserving and funny comedy.

And it's hard to argue with The Sopranos taking Best Drama. Although, considering the way the Academy voted this year, I'm shocked it wasn't beaten out by Kidnapped.

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