Sex (If You Play Your Cards Right) and The City

For all the guys who say they would rather be trampled by elephants than see the Sex and The City movie, I think you're missing the big picture. For you dudes trying to win a young lady's heart (okay...get her into bed), this is the greatest thing since alcohol. It's the chance to show how really sensitive you assholes are.

In the old days saying you were an Alan Alda fan had the same effect.

The problem comes of course when the girl of your immediate dreams asks you specifics about the movie. Uh oh. This is tough because you'd take your wisdom teeth out with a pair of garden sheers before actually seeing it.

First hurdle -- getting her to believe that you did see it since I'm sure she views you as every schlub from a Judd Apatow movie. But let that work for you. You were stoned and wandered into the wrong theatre in the Cineplex. For the first hour you thought it was just the trailer. You were going to leave to see College Road Trip but much to your surprise you started getting really into it.

Hurdle number two -- discussing it with her.

Do your homework, Romeos.

Go on line. Find rave reviews. Look for women critics and Jeffrey Lyons. Write down some catchphrases and put them in your own words.

A couple of examples: "It's so cool to really hear how women talk." "I wish my friends could be that open and honest." "I just kept thinking, wow, you would look so amazing in those clothes."

She'll of course ask you which clothes in particular. Start by saying the stilettos but be careful -- when she says what else? don't tell the truth and say, "Nothing, just the stilettos." You're fairly safe with "that sexy little black outfit." But don't linger on this topic. Do not let the conversation get around to hand bags.

Look for reviews with Spoiler Alerts. Read them first. The movie is two-and-a-half hours long, fellas. That's the same length as Apocalypse Now. Memorize the plot summary. Learn who the women are. Here's a quick refresher:

Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) -- writes this weekly column and narrates the show. Has really insightful observations. Things you yourself had thought about but could never put into words. Don't stare at me blankly. Just write this down.

Samantha (Kim Cattrall) - The blonde actress who has gone from Mannequin to MILF (even though she doesn't have children and isn't made of wood).

Charlotte (Kristin Davis) - Hot brunette. The more goody-goody of the group. The romantic. You'd do well to say you side with her worldview over Samantha's.

Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) - Redhead cynical lawyer. Now has a baby. You can get away with just saying she's the best actress of the group.

You liked all the pithy lines. You can't remember any -- or even one -- because there were just too many of them. And because you're open to new things you're going to order your first Cosmo (along with her fourth).

Sex and The City can really grease the tracks for you, guys. Embrace it as you would a book on hypnotism or hair restorer. The only thing I would caution: don't lay it on too thick. You don't want her getting you the box set of Seasons 1-4 and wanting to watch them with you.

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com

Comments

[Cathexis]

Ha! Clever, but I never really got into the whole "Lie to Obtain Sex" approach. Just like I don't expect her to be enamored with every pasttime I have, I'm comfortable not having to misrepresent myself to her.

Get someone you actually like -- not just lust after -- and have *some* common interests with them ... you have to actually *talk* with them sooner or later, you know. ;-)

[RadioResearch]

Ken,

I think it would be much easier and far more honest to just see the movie. Remember, women like honesty and you are encouraging (even though facetiosly) dishonesty - just the thing to get you into real trouble because you are not likely to fool them with vague descriptions of the movie.

Frankly, if you are a man over 40, this is an entertaining movie and worth the the few minutes of your life that it takes to see it - just see it with a woman so that you can really talk about it - especially the vacuous superficial nature of it, the unconvincing stereotypical characters, and the shallowness of the friendships.

[Cathexis]

I think it would be even easier to just admit having absolutely no interest in seeing the movie. ;-)