The Emmys

Don Rickles should have hosted the Emmys. Or Ricky Gervais. Or any random seat filler.

In sixty years there's never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou's 75th birthday party at Sr. George's Smorgasbord.

And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

But Josh Groban's medley of TV themes was fantastic. He's talented, he's funny, he's versatile. Why not have him host the damn show?

The academy got it right this year. Mad Men and 30 Rock both deserved to win. Probably John Adams too. The six minutes I saw of it before falling dead asleep were riveting.

I loved how the Best Reality Host category was saved for the end to build up suspense, as if anyone in the 57 countries watching this show could give a shit.

Note to Mary Tyler Moore - SLEEVES! SLEEVES!!!! For the love of God and all that's holy. SLEEVES!!!!

Without the Emmys, movie actors would have to wait all the way till January to start winning awards.

The only real upset was Bryan Cranston winning over the other deserving nominees and James Spader.

Half the fun of the Emmys is the Pre-Emmys red carpet show. Local station, KTLA always has the best coverage. This year's co-hosts, Sam Rubin and Jessica Holmes conducted the interviews with their usual stupefying flair. I was on the radio at the time and unable to watch but my daughter Annie, and her writing partner Brock did. They provide some of the highlights.

Sam & Jess interviewed five Dexter cast members, of which two died last season. They asked those two specifically what will be happening in the coming season.

Marcia Cross was asked by Sam what kind of sunscreen she was wearing. She said nothing and walked away. Sam announced: "No SPF for Marcia Cross. There's your headline!"

They couldn't pronounce Zeljko Ivanek's name, nor did they appear to know what show he's from. He helped them out (Damages, for which he won) and then Jessica, who apparently had no questions, told him how much she likes ICE ROAD TRUCKERS.

Bill Maher plugged his new movie by saying "it covers a topic that's never been covered before." It's a documentary about religion. Yeah, it's amazing how that topic has somehow slipped between the cracks for the last 10,000 years.

Eva Longoria had a fun outfit, complete with a giant bow. The KTLA "fashion expert", Lori Somebody From Hell liked it, but Jessica asked if she'd heard the rumor that Eva is pregnant. Lori responded: "Well, bows like that are a great way to cover up being knocked up". Classy.

Thanks to Brock & Annie. And my agent, and the crew, and the beautiful escort I got from Craig's List.

Nice touch showing past winners before each acting award. Tina Fey now joins an exclusive club that includes Jackée.

Every year I receive a handsome DVD from TIL' DEATH for "my consideration". And every year I think "in what universe???" Better to spend the $50,000 and hire another writer.

SLEEVES! Mary. Really.

When Ms. Moore clonked into the mic stand, Brock said "she just bumped into her twin."

When you watch the "In Memorial" feature don't you always wonder who's going to be last? Whose death was greater than the other deaths? And aren't you glad they didn't put Jim McKay next to Bozo the Clown?

The director of the Emmys missed an opportunity when he was giving his acceptance speech. He could have cued his own get-off music.

Most beautiful women of the night: Hayden Panettiere, Christina Applegate, Kate Walsh, and the girl in the Olay ad.

Funniest bit of the night: Ricky Gervais demanding his Emmy back from Steve Carell. And Tom Bergeron is trying to do comedy when these two guys are in the same room.

The Laugh In sketch was painful. Like watching home movies of my Uncle Lou's 75th birthday party.

The academy missed a few TV catch phrases in their salute:

"Gggggggggggggggggg!" (Gale Storm as Margie, My Little Margie). "Fuck!" (everyone from Deadwood). "Woof" ...which means "Timmy, Grandpa is caught in a bear trap by the stream near that old oak tree - no, not that old oak tree, the other one - and you have to come quick and bring the first aid kit, but put on some pants first." (Lassie in Lassie), and finally: " " (Kathie Lee Gifford on Regis & Kathie Lee).

Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like the lead singer of the Cars.

I don't think the academy will be giving Tommy Smothers too many more commemorative Emmys. Whether you agreed or disagreed with what he said, you had to admit it meant two less minutes of Howie Mandel.

How come Amy Poehler was nominated in the sitcom category for Saturday Night Live?

For anyone in Azerbaijan saying, "What's Mad Men?" don't feel bad. They're saying that in Iowa too.

Cynthia Nixon has the world's longest neck. She could be the spokesperson for Toys R' Us.

I never understand all these variety-special-series categories. But as long as The Daily Show and the Colbert Report win them I'm happy, whatever they are.

If you're going to have a tribute to MASH, why not have the MASH cast come out of the tent instead of Kathy Griffin?

It's always strange seeing Tom Hanks on stage with Sally Field. She played his mother in Forrest Gump and his girlfriend in Punchline.

Barry Sonnenfeld's directing Emmy still doesn't make up for RV.

Anyone who says Jewish girls don't know how to dress didn't see Sarah Silverman tonight in her Catholic Girl's uniform.

Winner Glenn Close said, ""I think we're proving that complicated, powerful, mature women are sexy and can carry a show." But she forgot to add, "On cable."

How come that winning director for House thanked Hugh Laurie but not Cutthroat Bitch?

And finally, what does it say about the American public's taste when this year's Best Drama lost every week in the ratings to Scott Baio Is 45 and Single?

See you next year when your Emmy hosts will be O.J. Simpson, Barry Bonds, and Phil from The Amazing Race.

You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com

Comments

[Bruce Tenenbaum - Huffpost Blogger]

The Laugh In sketch was indeed painful, but John Stewart, classy man that he is, said what many of us were thinking, "Without Laugh-In I don't know if I go into comedy."

You pretty much trashed the show for the trash that it was. There's little else that anyone could say. Painful. Awful. Ridiculously amateurish. I gave up on the awards part of it years ago when Kiefer was winning acting awards and no one from The Wire was getting any attention at all.

The only thing left for me is the perverse joy I get out of watching talented comics like Steve Martin or Ricky Gervais or Stewart and Colbert doing their best to elevate the proceedings to the level of actual entertainment. These guys know what works and they know when something is not working and they have the ability to save it if only for a few precious moments.

BTW, I believe Bill Mahr was suggesting that his TAKE on the subject of religion had never been done before, certainly not in a major film and, as to the "In Memorial" segment, I'm pretty sure it both started with and concluded with George Carlin. No problem here. Seeing him twice was better than watching the hosts die yet again.

[MontereyDean]

Don Rickles and Josh Groban's medley of TV themes ... yes, good. The rest ... put the thing on E! or A&E next year so I won't tune in by mistake.

[LRM216]

The only thing good to come out of this year's Emmy Awards was your column. I love you - you always make me laugh!

[JennyJay]

The only interesting part of the show was Don Rickles who wanted, needed and tried to
make us laugh - but they just wouldn't permit it.
Follow the rules and keep to the UNFUNNY script.
Yeah! . . . great move.
Let the untalented people be the stars, and the truly talented - - cut him off, tie him down, gag him.
BORING -- BORING - BORING.

[Charity]

i'd watch next year if phil from amazing race hosted the emmys. i'd especially watch the show if he did with his shirt off.

[stagebandman]

They should let Kathy Griffin host the show. And they should limit the speecehs by people that nobody cares about and stop cutting of the big stars at the end. How stupid is that? Or maybe announce the big awards at the start, that way they can spend the rest of the show talking about the winners.

[mredder4]

They should take a hint from the Webbies and restrict the speeches to 5 or 10 words or less. Why not ask for more originality from our actors, especially when they're using our airwaves to pat themselves on the back for 3 hours? I don't care that someone wants to thank their agent, manager, hair and makeup team, assistant, boom operators, pages, or whoever they think will drop a big duece in their pants if they hear their name mentioned on TV for once in their life. I don't care! And that's why viewership is down, because there's no inherent entertainment value to an awards show. Everything is scripted and overplanned, to the point that it becomes the most banal unamusing period of television.

[AnotherIADem]

Dear Ken.

Here in Iowa we love "Mad Men", so what the heck are you talking about?? Next time, pick on ......Idaho. Other than that, I agree-- the hosts made it one of the most painful Emmy programs in memory.

What is with that little black puff of hair on Howie Mandel's chin? Yiiiiiiccckkkkk.

Can't wait to see Colbert... will this get Rickles on the program?

[jcsophie]

Maybe if ever other presenter didn't try to get in a political jab, it would have been more entertaining. Hollywood needs to stay focused on what they do. I don't care to know what their political thoughts may be. Their opinions are no more important than yours or mine....and we don't get free air time.

[BottomLine2008]

That show was TERRIBLE.

i love that "Mad Men" won.

[springsm]

Emmys...you mean the Emmys were on last night? Oh well!

[Sheridan1]

And they cut Tommy Smothers off just in time.
So funny.
Just like they did in 1968. He was about to make a political statement and they cut to commercial. Censorship lives!
And Mary, we all agree - you look beautiful but ya gotta wear SLEEVES!

[orangemom]

You are exactly right about Mary T. Moore's scary bare arms. I could not concentrate on what she was saying because I was mesmerized by them. All us sixty-something ladies learned a lesson last night. SLEEVES!

[wisechild]

Yikes...3 hours of my life I'll never get back! You nailed it pretty much.

I like to watch to see who's wearing what but last night's snooze fest cured me of any future viewing. It was abominable and absolutely inane except for few things..

However, to see Mad Men win best drama, Ricky v. Carell, and Tommy Smothers it was almost worth being bored to death. I enjoyed interplay between Colbert and Stewart and then Rickles.

As for the clothing, disappointed but maybe i've grown up and don't care anymore.

If this is meant to show talent, it failed. Bravo Glenn Close tho.

I've never seen anything so lacking in imagination.

[provgrays]

The low ratings for this drab fest speaks to bad material on TV and the fact that I could watch very little of it. You can only see everything if your cable bill exceeds 200 bucks a month.

The market is too fragmented to have what we used to call hits.

What's your problem with Mary Tyler Moore? Her only crime was getting old, which in show business, is indeed a crime.

[marijam]

I watch the emmys, for the clothing. There was little excitement last night with most of the women wearing black - what's up with that, are they in mourning? Most of all, I wanted to see and hear from the women of Mad Men, but only saw two of them interviewed on the red carpet. Then, in the reviews, Mad Men was dissed. The favorite drama got snubbed, why?

[provgrays]

Mad Men was snubbed because it runs on basic cable.

It's a kind of class envy in reverse.