Just in case HuffPost doesn't slap an annoying ad over this article, you should know that today my post is sponsored by... me.
Ken Levine "Stand in Line for You" Service
For only $1000 I will provide someone to stand in line for you. Just think -- the next time Apple comes out with new ear buds you won't have to stand in line from 4:00 AM just to buy them the first day! You've seen all those lines last week at Apple stores for the new iPhone. They stretched out for miles. Maybe you were in one. What a drag! Who needs it? I imagine after the first six hours it started to get boring.
Or you were one of those people who saw the news stories and said, "look at those idiots" and then in the next breath, "I wish I had a new iPhone."
Well now you can! Now you stand in line while you sleep. Oh, you may say, "Why would I pay $1000 to get a $400 item?" And I would say to you, "Why stand in line for seven hours when you could wait a couple of weeks and just walk in at your leisure and buy one?"
This offer extends to movie lines. Sure, it's a little steep to shell out a grand for a twelve dollar movie ticket but if you have to see Eclipse the very first showing and it's so important that you line up two days ahead, so what if you have to cash in your Savings Bonds and dip into your college fund? And we're talking a movie here. Those things are apt to change from showing to showing. So if you waited, say, three days and went to a noon matinee when the theater would be completely empty, God knows what you'd see. It's not like a concert where they have a set song list written down on a piece of a paper.
Tired of those long TSA security lines at the airport? For a thousand bucks we inch along for an hour and you just slide in when you reach the front. Special introductory airport bonus: We'll stand in the Starbucks line too!
And for a limited time only -- join our On Line VIP Club. For only $50,000 we'll stand in every line you encounter for one calendar year! The Post Office, checkout counters, McDonalds, flu shots (for an extra $2000 we'll even take the shot for you), concession stands (you want a hot dog but your beloved Pittsburgh Pirates might score a run this inning!). We'll get to the Outback Steakhouse early and put your name down. We'll wait in line for the American Idol open auditions and if they stick a camera in our representative's face he'll yell, "Whoooo! My client will be the next American Idol!"
Hey, it's worth the fifty grand alone just for Costco!
So sign up today! The only thing is I don't have Pay Pal or a way for you to order on line or through the mail. You're going to have sign-up in person. The address is 118753 Wilshire Blvd, Beverly Hills. Doors open at 9 AM tomorrow and there are only limited spots. So if you want one, you might want to get over there now. And bring a blanket. It gets cold on that pavement at night.
Follow Ken Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/KenLevine