The Paula Abdul Negotiations
From what I could piece together, here's how Paula Abdul's departure from American Idol went down. We start with a phone conversation between her new manager and AI producers:
MANAGER: We want $10 million a year.
[A moment of laughter then the producer collects himself.]
PRODUCER: How about this? We'll agree to let her come back. Under the circumstances I'd say that's a very generous offer.
MANAGER: It's an insult, is what it is!
PRODUCER: For a judge who has gone on national television drugged out and incoherent? Who has slept with former contestants?
MANAGER: Oh, don't give me that. Every employee has done some little thing wrong if you dig deep enough. I will not allow you to throw her minor indiscretions in my face just as a negotiating ploy. She brings a lot to this show and you know it!
PRODUCER: What does she bring?
MANAGER: Pardon me?
PRODUCER: What exactly does Paula Abdul bring to American Idol that we can't replace?
[Long pause.]
MANAGER: Let me get back to you.
[He hangs up and calls Paula.]
MANAGER: Paula?
PAULA (disoriented): Hello?
MANAGER: Paula, it's David, your new manager.
PAULA: Nice to meet you.
MANAGER: No, no, we've met. You hired me.
PAULA: Oh. Right. Listen, would you call American Idol and make my new deal?
MANAGER: I'm working on it.
PAULA: Great. While I got you, do you think I'm short?
MANAGER: No.
PAULA: See? Those goddamn tabloids!
MANAGER: Paula, let me ask you a question. For the negotiations -- could you tell me exactly what you bring to American Idol?
PAULA: Huh?
MANAGER: Why you're irreplaceable?
[A long beat.]
PAULA: Let me call you back.
[Paula hangs up, scrolls through her contact list, and places a call.]
PAULA: Hi. Could you tell me what I bring to American Idol?
MANAGER: Paula? It's me. David. We just spoke.
PAULA: Oh. Sorry. Nice to meet you. I'll call you back.
[She places another call. Randy Jackson answers.]
RANDY: Hello?
PAULA: Randy? Hi. It's Paula.
RANDY: Paula, how lovely to hear your voice. There's something I must share with you. I just finished reading Damian by Hermann Hesse and found the whole concept of God naively illogical yet hauntingly spiritual when viewed in a metaphysical light. What can I do for you, dawg?
PAULA: They want to know what I bring to American Idol.
RANDY: Oooh. As you know, seeking clarity from the great empirical mysteries of life is my hobby and passion but I'm afraid this one is out of my realm of understanding.
PAULA: Okay. Well, I'll see you later.
RANDY: If you're interested, Buzz Aldrin is speaking at Sinai temple on the chasm between faith and science if you'd like to go.
PAULA: I'll get back to you.
[She hangs up the phone and redials her manager.]
MANAGER: Hello?
PAULA: Hi Dennis. I'm still working on answering your question. Hey, do you know the name of that dancer I worked with on the "Opposites Attract " video?
MANAGER: The cat?
PAULA: Yes, he'll speak for me. Do you have his number?
MANAGER: Paula, he's a cartoon.
PAULA: Yeah, well, I've been mocked by the tabloids too.
MANAGER: No. Paula. A real cartoon character. He doesn't exist.
PAULA: You're being just as unhelpful as my last five managers! Look, who cares what I bring? The show gets phenomenal ratings and somehow I must be a part of it. Go back and demand the ten million. What are they gonna do? Replace me? That's a laugh. (Beat) Hold on a moment. Call waiting. (She takes the other call) Hello?
ASSISTANT: Paula, hi, it's your assistant. Listen, I'm in your dressing room here at Idol and Kara just came in with a tape measure.
PAULA: That bitch! We've worked together for a year and NOW she shows an interest in me?
ASSISTANT: Uh, I think she plans to take over your dressing room.
PAULA: What?
ASSISTANT: Are you not coming back?
[The realization hits her.]
PAULA: Oh my god! The ARE going to replace me. Well fuck them!
[Paula crosses to her computer, forgetting about her manager on the other line. Eventually he gets tired of waiting and hangs up. A beat later and his phone rings.]
MANAGER: Hello?
PRODUCER: Hey, it's me again. Okay, we've been doing some soul searching. Paula does have her fan base and I suppose we could compromise and come up with some dollar figure that would make everybody happy.
MANAGER: I am so relieved. That's great news. As you know, Paula considers you family.
PRODUCER: Wait a minute. I just got a Tweet from Paula that she's quitting the show. Just like that? She doesn't tell me first? She announces it on Twitter? That ditz! Well, you know what? That's just fine.
MANAGER: But...
PRODUCER: This is just the last in a long list of wacky behavior from that woman and we are done!
MANAGER: Wait. I'm sure...
PRODUCER: No. It's over. God, it'll be so good to get someone else in there. Someone taller.
[Fade out.]
You can sign up for Ken's Twitter here.
And read his blog here.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
See Tallulah Morehead's Profile
There's been a lot of theorizng here that Paula is drunk or "chemically dependant.
What do you want to bet that she forgets she's left the show, and shows up to judge it anyway?
For numerous seasons she saw nothing wrong with going on the air completely incoherent, she finally, manages to stay relatively sober this year because they bring in another female judge and yet she thinks she should get the same amount as Ryan? I may not be a huge fan of Ryan, but he had to be clear and sober every show, Simon is the only judge people listen to. Paula has made a fortune sitting there, not saying anything understandable and sometimes making a fool of herself. She should be sending flowers and candy every day to the producers of AI for putting up with her as long as they have. They were more than generous for putting up with her for this long.
Whoa, what's with all the Paula bashing going on here. As I recall, Paula had some #1 hits and was quite a dancer. If it takes talent to know talent, she's got it all over Simon Crowe, or whatever his name is.
See Tallulah Morehead's Profile
So she WAS quite a dancer, but what has that to do with her babbling idiocy on AMERICAN IDOL?
Wow. I'm impressed. You didn't shy away from the truth of chemical dependency. And she's not even black. Props.
I hope this means the beginning of the end for America's Biggest Karaoke Contest To See Who Will Become The Next Soft Rock Sensation For A Few Minutes. Wow, when the 2nd thru 5th place finishers also seem to get traction for some reason... Let's return the music business to people who write, perform and pay dues instead of going from a Zero to a One by vote of the knuckleheads who really watch this.
I've never even watched this show....ev
So? Does this make you special? I have never beed to Starbucks. So What.
So what's your excuse for avoiding Starbuck's? It can't be that there isn't one near you.
I don't blame her if she was peeved about the discrepancies between hers, Simon's and Ryan's salaries, but in this economy, come on, it's hard to feel sorry for someone quitting over not being able to get more than $20M a year.
Why do any of these ridiculously wealthy people work anyway? I'd live off the interest. Oh yeah, you have to feed the beast. And, narcissism. It'll be interesting to see what Paula does after this show. Britney has the lip-syncing gig right now.
Now she'll be free to work for Sarah Palin.
Paula appears to have a case of delusionitis. Not only does she not deserve a raise, but with the way she's behaved and carried herself since the show began.... she should be asked by the producers of American Idol to pay back the money they've already given her for all those years.
Paula is about to get first hand experience at what the cold, hard world actually feels like when you "QUIT" on a lucrative contract, with no other prospects lined up and beckoning you in, and have no real extraordinary or discernable talents... and today's economic problems doesn't seem to care if you're a celebrity. There are a lot of folks who would be happy to fill her Idol seat for even a tenth of the salary she was getting.
That's the problem that is coming home to roost in this country...
Never watched the show and have no intention of ever doing so, regardless of who the judges or contestants might be. This is just one of the many programs on TV that has contributed to the "dumbing down of America", and created the "Game Show" mentality that spawned the likes of Sarah Palin in last year's hit "Who Wants To Be A Vice President".
People, this garbage is of no relevance to anyone and does nothing to ameliorate our country or the human condition. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Just turn it off and read a book. I'm pretty sure even doing drugs is less harmful than this kind of brain cancer.
Your comment is hyperbolic and a bit hysterical and rather unnecessary and I totally agree with you.
I am proud to say i have NEVER watched one single episode of this show. Why should i have to??
The "NEWS" features it promenently almost every day. Tornadoes, Hurricanes, failing economy,
all of these are NOT news but heaven forbid if we miss who won American Idol. Bread and Circuses
people..we truley are in our last days...
Your pride in yourself is impressive! Are you a birther as well? or perhaps you don't have spell check.
OF COURSE you don't have to watch anything but end of the world shows.....
So because i mispelled a word or two I'm suddenly a "birther"?? Frankly...
Bad grammar & bad manners, Tubette. Peace out.
Paula is the reason I have rarely watched this show. The first few episodes of her histronics completely turned me off--she seemed to think it was the "Paula" show, all about her. She threw out a lot of empathy and sympathy, but it was calculated to make herself look good, and not really meant to benefit the contestant.
She was so addled and incompetent she not only does not deserve a raise she should have been fired a long time ago.
Good riddance FINALLY!
See Tallulah Morehead's Profile
Ken, I'm so disappointed in you. You write such clever fictional comedy scenes, that to cop out and just print the TRUE extracts of your taps on Paul's and her manager's phones, seems so easy. Instead of presenting this completly true and unaltered account, why not do some jokes?
Bye bye, Paula.
AI is rigged (or easily rigged by the fundies).
The travesty of the last season will not be forgotten by all the "Smart" young people who mistakenly thought it was a singing competition.
Now that most kids know that it's not about talent, they'll go looking for something real.
Kids like the truth, people.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
