05/16/2007 02:43 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Wanted: The Next Jerry Falwell

Now that the Rev. Jerry Falwell has left the Mortal Majority, who will fill his place as ignorant spokesperson for the religious right? It has to be someone not only uninformed but grossly irresponsible. It's a hard act to follow. The self-proclaimed good reverend hit most topics. In the name of the church he promoted segregation, even claiming the Bible supported it (although later unable to find that page. Maybe it wasn't the Bible but the Klu Klux Klan value coupon book he saw it in.) He must consider all gays as "deviants" and praise AIDS as God's way of punishing them. Takes a real moron to say that. Not every Village Idiot can qualify.

He must be topical. He can't let global warming go by without calling it "Hocus pocus, a Satanic plot to distract Christians from the more important work of spreading the Gospel." (His successor might spend a little more time focusing on the Armageddon sections.)

Falwell recently declared that the Muslim prophet Muhammad was a terrorist. I understand his basis for this claim was seeing an episode of 24. So, for him, documented proof! He also linked Hillary Clinton to Osama bin Laden but that could just be because they look alike. Honest mistake.

It is imperative he have a unique spin on 9/11. Rev. Falwell said it was brought about by "the ACLU and the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians." His successor might want to add Jews (although I think that's what Falwell meant by the ACLU), the Hollywood crowd, Democrats, college professors, scientists, and American Idol.

The new Voice of the Seriously Stupid must be homespun, conservative, and willing to take an outlandish public stand on anything he knows nothing about. He must be short-sighted, self serving, unwavering in his position especially when proven wrong. He must wrap himself in the flag and tie himself to the cross.

I think there's only one man for the job. George W. Bush.

Please leave your current job and take this one.

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