What if the Classic Comedies Were on CBS Today?
I saw a number of on-air promos for CBS' Monday night comedy block. Based on the content and what they were clearly selling, I thought back to the golden age of CBS comedy and wondered what a typical promo for their Saturday night line-up would be like were those shows on the Big Eye today.
INT. BUNKER LIVING ROOM - DAY
ANNOUNCER (VO - BRIGHT)
Saturday is a night of laughs on CBS. First, on All in the Family, not everything is Bunker-dory...
Archie in his chair. A concerned Michael is holding the front of his pants out and staring down at his crotch. Gloria enters.
GLORIA
Michael, what are you doing?
ARCHIE
There's something wrong with the Meathead's meat head.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MICHAEL
It's all red.
(HUGE LAUGH)
GLORIA
Let me see.
She peers down his pants.
GLORIA
That's just my lipstick.
ARCHIE
Oh Jeeez!
(HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. MESS TENT - DAY (BLACK & WHITE)
ANNOUNCER (VO - SOMBER)
And then... on a very special MASH...
Father Mulcahy talking to off-stage reporter.
FATHER MULCAHY
When the doctors are operating and it's cold, like it is now, here today, sometimes the doctors will warm their hands over the body. Can anyone look at that and not say...Wow, we have the HOTTEST PATIENTS IN KOREA!? Wooooooo!! Suit up!!
(HUGE CANNED LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (VO - SUGGESTIVE)
Then on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda gives Mary advice on how to get through those cold Minneapolis nights.
RHODA
Mair, we gotta get you laid.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MARY
Rho-da!
RHODA
You know I live vicariously through you, and at the moment I'm very horny.
(HUGE LAUGH)
MARY
Rhoda, that's terrible.
RHODA
I don't need to hear the details. Just -- you were in bed, you did it. Actually, those probably are the details. I'll add "had an orgasm" for myself.
(HUGE THUNDEROUS LAUGH)
CUT TO:
INT. DR. HARTLEY'S OFFICE - DAY
ANNOUNCER (VO)
And finally, what happens when Bob starts a sexual addiction group on the Bob Newhart Show?
MR. CARLIN
Your wife has a vagina, right, Dr. Hartley?
(HUGE LAUGH)
BOB
Well...uh, yes...yes, sh-she does.
MR. CARLIN
What does it look like?
(HUGE LAUGH)
MR. CARLIN
Can you describe it? Peterson's never seen one.
(HUGE LAUGH)
BOB
He hasn't. Well, uh...(CALLING) Carol, could you come in here for a ..a...minute?
(SPASMS OF LAUGHTER)
CUT TO:
INT. SET - DAY
Big CBS logo against a white backdrop behind Klinger, who wears just bra and panties and is waving to the camera with a shit-eatin' grin.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
That's this Saturday on CBS, the "Tiffany Network"!!
You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com
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We all miss Eddie Haskell and Poncie Ponce.
I watched a lot of tv when I was a kid. That Nixon Resignation was a hoot! The Vietnam War footage - fun for the whole family -especially if you had friends/family there! Talk about suspense!
Seriously, though, tv dramas and sitcoms have ALWAYS been some writers interpreta
For example the original Star Trek and Twilight Zone were examples of good tv with good writing (even if the sets/special effects are very cheesy by today's standards). All In the Family and most of MASH was as well.
Honestly though, I don't think Mary Tyler Moore and Bob Newhart were any better or worse than The Parkers or According To Jim. Just set in different time periods.
Wait wait wait...the
It's good to know it's not just me who finds most network "humor" to be not only howlingly unfunny, but borderline sick.
However, as I was getting off the elevator the other day, one woman was telling another how she'd spent the whole weekend watching Californication -- she'd found it to be a sick show, but that's fine because she "loves sick shows."
I guess broadcasters are only giving the public what they want.
We don't have cable and rarely watch TV. I also don't work somewhere one discusses TV shows every day.
Lots of comedic movies in the last ten or so years have repeated old jokes I heard in Junior High forty years ago. Adolescent humor is easy because everyone knows it. Unfortunately, there is no depth. If TV is following this lead, it really is a wasteland. For those of us who never tune in any more, it will take more than advertising to get us back.
"Get Smart"
Max:Hi, 99
99: Hi 86 (smiling) Or should I call you.. 68 after last night.
Max( stupidly): Huh?
99: You now:"you do me,. and I owe you ONE."
(canned laughter)
Max: Missed it by THAT much...( shows middle finger).
cut to Marlboro commercial.
"Bewitched"
Larry: Darren, you have to do something, we present in two minutes! Do you have a kilt? How about I roll you in a wheelchair? We can't let the client see that!
Darrin: Oh, I know, Larry. You and I usually don't shrink from hard problems, but I don't know how this happened! Sam hates to tinker with the tinkler...
[Loud poof, Endora appears]
Endora: That wasn't Sam's [makes air quotes with hands, with emphasis] *handiwork*
(Laughter)
Many of us are no longer the good people we'd become then. Subsequent fear and shock has descended this share of our nation into spiteful-things that settle for utter shit.
The 80's and 90's were too teach the tenets of greed. It worked all too well.
There seems to be a cognitive disconnect with
the family values Mid-America says they believe in and what they seem to enjoy watching on the four major networks. I still can't get over how the same corporation can maintain the GOP-friendly Fox News and some of the salacious Fox shows (I don't mean The Simpsons.)
And with the Creation Museum in the Bible Belt,
you'd think some network would bring back The
Flintstones. Between the canned laughter there'd be more double entendres using the words "rock," "stone." I don't even want to think about a spiced-up revival of "Petticoat Junction!"
Aunt Shecky: Good post. I've wondered myself about the Fox Network-Family values tie-in. They talk the talk, but some of those shows are truly infantile and smutty.
And I say this not as a prude but as a brilliant and discerning observer of today's cultural landscape. :)
Uncle Dave
Damn, now all I can think of is a spiced-up revival of "Petticoat Junction". Maybe a whole show devoted to skinny-dippin' in the water tower.
When I was in the third grade, I thought I made up the word "boner". By the fifth grade I thought, "Boy, my word is really gettin' around!" The Michael Scott character on 'The Office' said it the other night. Should I have gotten a royalty check?
Jeff,
If it's any solace, I thought you made it up, too.
I feel better, already. Thanks.
"The Golden Girls"__yeeeeeech!
Exactly. You caught the general stench of mindless, pre-pubescent stupidity perfectly. And I'm glad you did, because my husband and I actually talked about the astonishingly purile and innane ads we had heard for CBS, separately, while driving in our cars. Not only are the ads designed to make certain I never tune in to those shows, but I am offended for parents who would never let their little kids watch such trash, but have no control over when and where the dirty ads might run. God knows I'm no prude - I love certain HBO adult-themed shows - it's the mindless crudeness that offends me. No wonder so many people just rent their favorite shows from Netflix, or just watch their favorite shows on itunes. The networks have abandoned adult entertainment in favor of fart jokes.
The best solution is not to have a television. It's been five years for me now and I don't miss it a bit. I highly recommend it. I'm going to ride my bike to see a concert tonight, and then come back home and read, a book this time; note to self: Less Internet. It can be just as bad as TV.
Watching TV is like watching your toilet at work:you see all kinds of shit going down.
Then why are you commenting on a TV-oriented post?
I have little tolerance for the self-righteousness of the "I have no TV" crowd. They're as bad as vegetarians. Or bicycle riders.
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