Boomer dating is definitely a contact sport. The bruises are just on the inside. I wrote a wish list of 20 qualities I want in my next Boomer lover in response to Ann Brenoff's wish list for hers. I described my boomer lover honestly and candidly, and with qualities I feel I have in equal amounts. While I didn't fit Ann's profile particularly well, that didn't elicit anger or cynicism, but rather the acknowledgment that I'm not her cup of tea. So the level of anger and cynicism from hundreds of women frankly puzzled me.
The women's negative comments (among the more than 1,000 the article received) were actually more of an insult to boomer women than to me, since nearly all suggested that no such Boomer woman exists. Nonsense, of course they do, and in very large numbers. If a woman didn't see herself on my list, that doesn't make my list an insult to women, but simply that she didn't fit my particular profile. Finding a partner who matches you in critical ways has never been simple or easy. It requires well-thought-out, considered criteria. It also requires good self-esteem.
Since my wish list didn't contain a single quality I wasn't capable and prepared to offer in return, what bubbled up for me was that women were simply expressing their frustration with Boomer dating, and I can understand that. Meeting an angry or emotionally unbalanced man who hasn't bothered to do the work to resolve his issues can feel like something is wrong with all men in short order.
Of course that's stretching the truth, but it doesn't take many bad experiences to paint a scary picture. Anger and cynicism repel potential partners and continue a disappointing cycle. I urge women to sublimate their cynicism, at least to the extent that the man sitting in front of you can be seen for who he actually is, rather than as the next man in a long line of dysfunctional men, hell-bent on using and abusing women.
Some comments suggested that meeting someone and just letting the relationship develop seems more natural. Boomer men and women don't have time to waste in another bad relationship that could have been avoided with a minimal amount of simple vetting. Not to have any list suggests that you have no clear idea who you are in terms of your own qualities, don't know what you're looking for, and can't articulate what's important to you. Absent a list as a starting point, there's lots of wasted time and little hope for success.
My wish list celebrates evolving, healthy, post 50 women who are working to reach their maximum potential -- and to view it otherwise, demeans them and misses the point entirely. My desire to meet a woman who is in good shape seems fair since I'm in good shape, even though many women insisted I must be a fat, old, bald guy who really wants a 20-year-old if I want a Boomer woman who is in shape. That's an insult to midlife women, because it isn't remotely true, since many Boomer women are in great shape, have a positive self-image, and eat healthy and exercise. Since I follow a healthy eating and exercising regimen, and am in shape, I can't fathom why wanting to meet an in-shape Boomer woman triggered so much vitriol.
But mostly what I heard was that I had a nerve to have any wish list at all, and that I must have a really high opinion of myself to aim so high. I do have a high opinion of myself, and it comes from working hard on resolving my issues in a men's group, as well as some individual therapy, for many years to become the best man possible. I'm in great physical and emotional shape, and am enthusiastic and joyful about each day in my life, so it seems fair and reasonable that I should want to meet a woman who is in the same physical and emotional space in her life.
We all want to be met in a relationship, which means finding a partner who can return our qualities in kind. It's unrealistic to think being equally matched isn't important, or that major inequalities can be successfully ignored.
I urge post 50s to seek their equal partner. Making a list of what you consider your non-negotiable qualities is simply smart dating. We're not all the same, and we don't all want the same things in life. Finding a partner who embodies most of these qualities is a rational dating plan. Fantasizing and projecting whom we want the person sitting in front of us to be, instead of asking the relevant questions is foolish, and not a smart dating strategy. Finding your next lover involves intention, candor, critical thinking, and chemistry, not luck.
I read it several times a week in the profiles on OkCupid. It makes me sick!
Drive to a mall at rush hour and watch his reaction to the traffic. Does he snarl at the other drivers or is he courteous when they cut in. Watch him park his car .... does he hog the space or make it difficult for the car beside him to move? And when he's leaving and if there's someone waiting to slip into his space, does he delay and fiddle with the mirror and keys, showing his "right" to the space. All of these thiings are red flags for his everyday behaviour.
I want a man with a sense of humor, a kind heart and not a trace of meaness. Obviously there are other factors too .... no tobacco and heavy drinking .... and please don't be stingy or fuss constantly over your 'healthy lifestyle". Just be relaxed and happy and ready to enjoy friendship and fun.
You'd get "brownie" points from me for even offering to carry my packages. Haven't seen that courtesy for years.
but who the hell fiddles with their mirrors to delay someone from parking ? or "hog" a space? Until you, I have never even heard of that ...
And if you've ever tried to get out of a hotel parking lot in Waikiki, you will find the worst space hogs in the world. Just watch the next time you're in a crowded parking facility ... I'm pretty sure you'll run into one of these characters shortly,even on the Mainland.
I am 58, female, and doubt I would ever want to marry again. However I adore men, and prefer male friends, probably because I tend to be more analytical than emotional.
I can see both sides of the fitness issue. I know many women who worked like slaves for their families, caring for children and dying parents, sometimes even while working to help support the family. Perhaps she even put her husband through college, or cared for his dying parents.
Now she finds herself alone, overweight and looking old, because she neglected herself to care for everyone she loved. She visits singles websites and learns that - while Maralyn Monroe was a size 14, she is now expected to be a size 8 or smaller...
She might be able to get down to a ten, but then there is the gravity issue. Men are very visual, and even checkout lanes display airbrushed perfection. Can she face a wedding night, at this age? Oh for an impotent man!
As the old song says "I never want to try that hard...I just want someone I can talk to. I want you just the way you are."
Speaking about reality, did you notice that guys wanted to jump to your bed? How then do you justify to yourself saying that "No man wants a boomer who is not built like a model"? Do you truly not see the contradiction?
Wanting to jump into her bed does not necessarily equal relationship, much less romance or love.
Maybe Sharon wanted to be romanced, adored and revered, the way these men would treat the models, rather than having them jump into her bed without much ceremony.
Strange, I know.
Yes, but knowing how "precious" (= out of reach for the ordinary guy) the model was, you'd put more effort into wooing and keeping her. Which would mean you'd pace your jump-into-bed urges and their expression in order to secure her acceptance and attention.
Bottom line, these guys showed both desperation and disrespect for Sharon. She was wise to ignore them.
If I was to date again, the non-negotiables would be 1) non-smoker 2) must love animals, especially dogs 3) 3) no addictions (drugs, alcohol, porn, betting, etc.) 3) Must be emotionally balanced!
I dont care if a man is short, bald, has a soft belly,(in fact, I tend to prefer short, bald, softbellied men!) Income is also a non-issue, as long as he is self-supporting in a legal, ethical and honest way.
I would ask a man these questions on a first date: What is your passion? What are the 3 most important lessons you have learned from past relationships? When was the last time you lost your temper, and why? The answers to those questions will help me decide if I should end the date, or if this guy is worth shaving my back for!
I am quite healthy. Everyone thinks that I am 10 years younger than my age, but I have personal goals that I am currently working towards. This takes time. I respect your opinion. I wish you and everyone the best. No one deserves loneliness!
I am 70, live alone (but not lonely) and I don't do any of the things you do, except keep my house clean. I would prefer a wealthy woman (I need a new Cadillac) who could hire you to do all of the things you say you do, while her and I go on lavish vacations, have homes in the north and south (or southwest) and dine out in gourmet restaurants.
What happened to your wife? And why are you still single (are you)? (Don't answer if you don't want to, BTW.)
over a 38 year period she has divorced me three times and I chase her down and remarry her. Last time was 11/01.97. She plled that I'm not happy crap again and left for a couple of months last year and I said you do it this time I will be the Petitioner and I was. Happy camper now. Just need to find a female friend don't want a wife.
I agree with you 100%. Having been widowed some time back, I have seen a lot female personalities in the available dating pool. I even married a couple of times during these sixteen years. Finding a healthy person with whom to have a relationship is not easy. But, I can tell you from experience that compromising on one's values only leads to failure and heartbreak for those concerned. Healthy people will see the value in what you are saying. Self examination in this process is critical. Only by doing so can we determine the reasons we attract or are attracted by some people who are not where they need to be yet. Interacting with these people is pretty much like teaching a pig to sing. All you do is frustrate yourself and piss off the pig. Continuing on in the relationship only escalates the anger between those involved. Like you, I don't have time for such nonsense. Like you, I want a true partner in life capable of going the distance. I don't have time to teach nor tell somebody what their problem is. Odds are, and this has proven out thus far, they wouldn't listen anyway.
Very heartfelt comment!
Thank you!
I can understand wanting a "healthy" person .... but it seems to me that you measure her health by "seeing the value in what YOU are waying". Yikes. This is awfully ego-centric.
My criteria are a little more supportive of a happy and fun relationship. I rank humor at the top of the list, followed by kindness and an even temper. No tobacco or heavy drinking are a given.
Too many people miss the point which is that they should LIKE the person they're considering having a serious relationship with. It's difficult to like someone who is critical and self-absorbed.