Since I date with the intention of falling in love and being half of a meaningful relationship, I should be thrilled when a woman I'm interested in likes me, right? Actually, this is the difficult part for me, and perhaps for other midlife men. This is when I consider whether or not to follow my heart. But getting into a relationship is a leap of faith, and I'm in it to win it, and follow my heart.
The sexual aspect of dating comes next, and that's about Mojo, libido. Mojo is critical in order to be sexual, but after divorce, mine went into hibernation. For the first time in memory, I experienced a physical disconnect. I spent some sleepless nights pondering my lost Mojo, wondering if it would ever be found again.
I had several coffee dates, and a few second and third dates. My Mojo never stirred. For a while I feared this condition might be permanent. Then I began dating a woman I liked on several levels, and it woke up with reassuring vigor.
Not surprisingly, it was about more than physical attraction. I felt my libido awaken when she shared how she was feeling about me as a man, on an emotional level. When she articulated her feelings, my heart swelled, and my body followed. I felt whole again.
So why would any rational man look this gift horse in the mouth? I don't want to be sexual just to satisfy my physical needs any more. There has to be an emotional component now, and a compelling one at that. Rocket rides feel great shooting up into the sky, but nightmarish falling back to earth. It takes too long to heal the wounds of yet another failed relationship, so to behave in a manner my experience has proven will fail, is emotional suicide.
My Mojo's awake, my body is functioning normally, and my sexual urges are becoming harder to restrain. Why restraint? I've made a promise to myself to change my behavior at the beginning of a relationship.
Instead of following my old path, becoming sexual as soon as it was mutually agreeable, I want to know a woman well enough to feel there's genuine relationship potential. I don't want to screw up any more with women, no pun intended, and jumping into a sexual relationship before there's some semblance of an emotional one, just doesn't make sense now.
I want to feel lust, but I also want to feel love, or at least something approaching love. I want to feel we've started down a path toward something meaningful. While I hope this doesn't sound too 1950s, midlife has taught me some valuable lessons, and not ignoring my feelings is one of them. Repeating failed behavior, hoping it will eventually work, is the classic definition of insanity, and I've gone off the deep end enough to recognize insanity.
As a midlife guy, my brain has taken the lead as the primary sexual decision maker. It still requires some discipline, but since I've incorporated emotional honesty into my relationship paradigm, my Mojo is active, but under control. My heart and body are connected, and neither operates independent of the other. Wow, and it only took decades to achieve that coordination.
I'm not referring solely to my emotional honesty, but to a woman's as well. Conversations have to evolve into the kind of emotional dialogue that makes relationships work. Problems arise. How they're handled and resolved determine a successful or failed relationship. Avoiding talking about how we're feeling is not part of an enlightened relationship plan. If we each hold up our ends of the emotional sharing stick, thorny issues don't have to become the death knell of the relationship.
I don't want to be flattered by a woman as much as I want to know her true feelings about me as the relationship unfolds. Hearing a woman share her feelings about me is what woke my Mojo up in the first place. I know there are still some men who reject the notion of emotional honesty with women, but it continues to prove its value to me. What I've gleaned is that absent sharing on an emotionally honest level, midlife Mojo alone can't carry the day.
This seems a healthy midlife dating strategy because it reduces the pain associated with yet another failed relationship. To some, this may be obvious, but to others, like me, it wasn't. I recognize that being a man isn't an excuse to do every dysfunctional guy thing possible, and sex without any emotional connection is a guy thing I'm avoiding in midlife. Being in control of my Mojo feels empowering.
I am glad you had the epiphany as it cannot be a nice place to be to think that your mojo is out of your control. You have always controlled it...just as everyone does...perhaps you just began to understand the steering wheel is there for a reason, and you don't just get in and push on the gas pedal. While it works for some straight-forward stretches, when it comes to twists and turns, you really need to know how to operate the vehicle to get the most out of it and not go crashing into a guard rail.
Kind of like driving a car isn't about drinking heavily. While there are a few that might, most of us understand, and happen to be quite functional doing human things...and even when doing whatever horrible "guy" things you are talking about, most are still quite functional. I realize that you are not afraid of emotional honesty, but I do get a sense you are terrified by "guy" things and believe only in extreme ends of the spectrum...with gray being only a myth for lost souls...perhaps as real to you as a unicorn.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. If that is a sensitive, emotional type, it is fine. If it is a loud, comical type, that is fine too, handyman/sports type? Yep, OK too. Be yourself, and let others be themselves. If they are happy great. If not, we must be careful not to push them into our mold. If you want to help, merely seek out where they come from and find out how you can help get the mud out their mold without switching it up with yours.
One does wonder whether your wrong thinking has left you brain-damaged since you repeat the same falsehood over and over and over, ad infinitum, as if you are a record stuck on a defect. Here you have taken your one precious life, and instead of making something beautiful with it, all you do is complain about your life and wife and all the women who did not want you. For good reason, one might add. Get a life, dude.
There are no true feelings...
And then complain about what they got.
Most men will translate this to mean you are a ball buster. While I don't see it as such, this is how many guys view you. Seriously.
"Men my age usually want the young chicks. I am not interested in these "child men" anyway."
Why do you call them "child men?" Because they want younger women? Just curious.
This is what confounds me: why did it take you to age 43 to get this? Women/girls do mature earlier than men/boys. But for some strange reason, it takes women so much longer to cease and desist with "impulsive and bad decisions" (i.e., making bad choices in men).
As for Washington DC, what I see is a lot of well-educated and successful people. The men have a lot of choices. The men don't mind partnering with lesser educated women and/or less successful women. Historically, men have not had a problem with this.
Women tend to resist this unless they just want sex. But for relationships, women want to date up or equal. There just are not enough men to go around. So, if you are a well-educated and successful man in DC, you can have a field day. I am assuming the man is hetero. DC has a relatively high gay male population further limiting a woman's choices.
Your thoughts?
I am attractive but I am not a shallow woman who is into all the showy, superficial displays that go on in this area.
It always turns me off.
I am a romantic at heart. I also feel in this day and age men self emasculate by going the metro sexual route.
When I say "child men" I mean men who haven't "grown up". I don't want to be a man's "mommy".
I love to care for and dote on men - but men must inspire us to do so. When a man thinks you are "lucky" just because he is "in your life"- it doesn't exactly make us swoon.
A man must by his very action show his love, adoration and respect for you.
Men have to spearhead this. Women are naturally inclined to do so but that doesn't necessarily mean a man will be responsive. The other way around and a woman is almost ALWAYS responsive.
As always, what makes a good relationship is different for everyone depending on a persons preference. Mojo comes and goes even in great relationships. Just relax when it goes, don't panic. Good if both partners are on the same page with this..
For me, a good trusting 'friends first' scenario is most important. Intimacy automatically follows trust, mojo twists around it all.
Sex-mojo? At my 'advanced' age It ebbs and flows as the warm ocean does during a beautiful sunset in Maui...
Wonderful, well written article Ken and best of luck to you and your lady and may your Mojo be long lasting.
Congrats to you and you husband on a successful connection. It is always great to hear when human beings are able to connect in a positive manner.
What is key is to remember that "neither of us were interested in a sex thing, we wanted a relationship and marriage." That is what you two wanted. That is great! But, that is great for you but not everyone else. The two of you were open and honest enough with one another ("we were willing to lay cards on the table") to ensure the outcome you each sought.
No matter what each person desires, it is paramount that both parties be honest about it.
Best wishes to you.
I simply don't understand how some people have sex with anything they can get their hands on.
I'm heading for the front of the line in case that lucky woman doesn't recognize a real guy when she has one...hmnnn..what if she hangs in there? Maybe he has a twin...
sapiosexuality Definition - The Unword Dictionary
Definition of sapiosexuality :. (sā-pē-ō-sĕk-shü-ăl'ĭ-tē). 1. (n.) A behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.