Over the weekend I saw a friend who suspects her boyfriend is cheating. We met for a cup of coffee and she cut to the chase pretty quick. I suddenly felt like I had been called in by the CIA and I wasn't quite sure if I could help but I was instantly passionately interested in the cause. I offered to set up an online dating account, trap the bastard. I offered to stage a come on, as me, complete with audio wire, a good old fashioned set up. I offered to tail him, see where this scoundrel was spending his time. She finally said "I don't want you to do anything. Just let me talk this out" Some people still think of me as a good listener. I like that.
It was hard for me to not interject. I've never been a cheater. Mostly because I know I would never get away with it. I'm a horrible liar. I'm one of those people who giggle when they lie. That's my tell.
Boyfriend:" Kendra! Where the hell have you been?"
Me: snickering " I was....... at the office."
Boyfriend:" Office? Whose office? You don't have an office. Is this a beer stained BRA in your purse?"
Me: "Huh? Oh that? That's a bra shaped wallet. I SWEAR! " fake coughing fit to cover up chuckle
If I'm never interrogated, I'm fine. I do much better as the cheater's accomplice, aka the other women. All I have to do is keep my mouth shut. Easy. Keep my mouth shut and my bedroom door open. For the most part I'm not into taking another women's man, unless of course, I can get away with it!*
*reminder: this is a comedic rant
Turns out this guy had admitted to cheating before. Which brought up a whole other topic; do cheaters change? Do you stay with a cheater? At this point I got to talk again. I asked her first if it was ok.
"He admitted to cheating before? Can I say something about that?"
"Fine, but stay focused on this specific scenario. I already know about the guy who cheated on you in the 10th grade"
I didn't like having the reigns pulled in before the starting gun, but at least she remembered my high school heartbreak. Here is my two cents about standing by your cheating louse.
Whether or not you stay with a cheater depends on two things, how many cheating episodes and how they got busted. A cheater that comes clean about an isolated cheating episode is a lot different than a chronic cheater who gets busted before admission.
An unsolicited confession means one of two things the cheater feels wicked guilty or they want out of the relationship. Either way, retaliation is mandatory. It's really the only way to regain self respect. If they want out, they're gonna go anyway so you might as well send them off with some open wounds. Torture them emotionally and verbally for at least six weeks. Hopefully you know how to be blatantly malicious. Do everything you can to make a fool out of them, humiliate them. Paybacks a bitch. Only after you have witnessed them suffer and beg for forgiveness, should you consider patching things up. At that point you may be having so much fun with your new personality; you may want to be free to torment numerous members of the opposite sex. Who knows.
Anyone who gets busted cheating is not to be trusted. Being an Irish Catholic from Boston, I can hold a grudge for a lifetime. For a lot lesser offenses. So, personally, I'd be done right then and there. Unless of course, they were amazing in bed. Then it's a crap shoot. But I will say this, if you catch someone cheating, don't just tell them off- go bananas! Throw a crazed shit fit and scare the crap out of them, break stuff, throw household items at them, end it with some calmly delivered threat, then, quietly gather up your things and leave. That way if you do ever reconcile they'll be too terrified to try to pull a fast one on you again.
Now go snoop around!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.
Follow Kendra Cunningham on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kendracomedy