THE BLOG

Fry Larceny

08/27/2013 12:20 pm ET | Updated Oct 27, 2013

It bugs me when people say "Can I steal a fry?" Order your own fattening shit. They order a salad so they get public recognition for eating well but then they're stealing my fries? It's not fair. Just because there are more fries people think they can just take one and it's not a big deal but it's the principle of the thing. They just reach over and take one while they are saying "Can I steal a fry?" They know you're not gonna say "No. Don't touch my friggin' fries, they're mine!" because then you look like a freak. It's a no win situation. If you order fries, you're fucked. You're obliged to share.

It just sucks that something as simple as ordering French fries puts you in a position to be taken advantage of. Indulging in fries should be a fun, stress free experience. How many fries do you get? I don't know. Let's say 27. Who is to say I wasn't looking forward to 27 fries today. Maybe I'm actually disappointed with 27 and I want another order of fries. I'm gonna start counting my fries when they arrive at the table. That way my companion will get a sense there is something about me and my fries. It's not the normal human to fry relationship. We'll see how that works. I've noticed a lot of people don't pick up on my subliminal messages.

It's like the cold shoulder. Nothing is more maddening than someone who can't pick up on the fact I am giving them the cold shoulder. I'm being short and despondent and they're still like "What are you doing Thursday? There is this great band playing" No clue that we are fighting. "Yeah I'll go" Now I'm bound and determined to make them realize I am silently mad. I'll ruin the concert. That's what I'll do. Treat others as you would like to be treated. I would rather have someone torture me with indifference for five days than sit down and talk at length about my character defects.

I get defensive and bring up stupid stuff.

Like eating my fries.

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.

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