Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Kendra Cunningham Headshot

Going Dutch

Posted: Updated:
Print

Going Dutch should be agreed upon being the date takes place. Period. No exceptions. If the date initiator wants to go Dutch, he or she should communicate that when the date invitation is extended. If the datee' then accepts, well, shame on them.

Here it is ladies, plain and simple: If a guy wants to go Dutch, he is a cheapskate. Who wants to date a cheapskate? Nobody. Not even other cheapskates. Cheapskates are the first to point out when someone else is being cheap. Stay away from the cheap people. My last boyfriend was a miser. We had to leave a restaurant once because we missed the lunch specials by minutes and the Thai dish he wanted would have been $1.50 cheaper 10 minutes ago.

I offered to pay the 1.50.

No.

I offered to pay for lunch.

No.

"It was the principal of the thing," he said. All his principles revolved around small dollar amounts. Instead we walked from Dumbo to Cobble Hill, Brooklyn looking for a place that was cheaper than the place we walked out of. We ended up with deli sandwiches, eating on dead grass in the Promenade.

He couldn't have been happier.

I got bit by an ant.

Some girls like to go Dutch because they feel like they don't owe the guy anything sexually if they pay for themselves. Personally, I want the guy to pay. I want to feel like I owe him something. It's a great rationalization tactic when I act inappropriately.

"He did pay for the pizza!"

This is what I do when a guy starts talking Dutch nonsense. I pretend I don't have any clue what that expression means. I'll even say, "what does that mean?" I want him to have to explain to me that he wants to spend some time in a date-like situation, but he wants him to pay for him and me to pay for me. I even repeat it back to him like that. I start with a "Ok, I want you to look me in the eye so I make sure I have this right," then, when it's crystal clear what the offer is, I say something like, "Sure, lets do it! I'll be at il Buco at 7:30, I dare you to sit at my table."

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-
Kendra

Kendra is a standup comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.
www.kendracunningham.com, twitter @kendrcomedy, www.blondelogicblog.com