Like any upstanding member of the female gender, I can be hypersensitive at times. Sometimes these "times" have a continuous and indefinite duration. Lately I've been persistently susceptible to overanalyzing and acutely responsive to external stimuli; yes, I've been a little crazy. I've been enjoying it. I may be the only one.
This past Saturday I was out with my sister Kristen, for a "snack" when we got to chatting with the bartender. A MALE bartender. Fun chatter. Some of it may have been interpreted as flirtatious or suggestive. My sister was drinking Dickel. I mean, how can you not say something suggestive about that?
How do you like that Dickel?
There's more Dickel where that came from.
You know once you have a little Dickel well, you wish you had a lot of Dickel (hand on hip, sucking back chewing tobacco juices).
I like to think it's highbrow Beavis and Butthead material.
About 20 to 30 minutes in, he says "blah blah blah this thing I'm doing for my girlfriend blah blah blah."
Now I don't know if it's a single thing but as a single person, when a new social contact does the "I'm in a relationship" reveal, I get a couple of things from that.
I'm in a relationship while you guys are trolling bars pretending to be hungry so you don't look like you're a couple of booze bags.
While all this banter is making my work sentence go quickly, I am in no way, shape, or form interested in either one of you like THAT.
Let me tell you what happens in the world of people in relationships, you single people, you. So you can see how our situation in life is better, right?
Now I'm sure he didn't mean any of those things, but all of those things popped into my mind to some degree which directly affected the amount of fun I was having.
When he walked away, Kristen and I were both enjoying the three appetizers we had ordered and I said "I always think it's weird when someone throws that out there." My sister agreed while picking at the last bits of the house-smoked thick-cut bacon but we didn't talk about it at length. I think we both realized we were coming to the end of our appetizers and if we wanted our fair share we better focus before the other one quietly scarfs it down.
I'm trying to not to read so much into things.
I had a friend call me recently and leave me a voicemail, "We had a girl. The delivery was easy. Call me. I want to see what's going on with you."
First of all, I didn't know she was pregnant. So that's how long it's been since we chatted. Enough time for her to make a human. So, I'm gonna call and say what?
"So great to hear you're growing and developing like a traditional citizen of the United States of America. Me? Well I got a 42-inch flat screen, oh and a dog, what else, hmm, Jesus I can't think. Oh yeah, I might go to Eastern Europe, probably not, but I've been talking about that a lot. Gosh, oh I got a bunch of new jokes. I think you'd like them, huh? Oh you've got to go? Your spawn needs to know you love them? That makes sense. Ok, well make sure to leave me a message when you get a summer home, ok? Cuz I wanna know when great things happen to you! Hello? Hello?"
I sound acerbic, I know.
I kinda like it.
Relentless biting saracasm.
It's Irish gangster.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.