I look forward to Valentine's Day and not in the girly "Get me a card and write about your feelings" type of way, but with a childish Christmas morning "What am I gonna get?" anticipation. Let's face it, it doesn't matter how many times you say you're not into it, or pull the old "When is that?" blasé attitude, when you wake up on the morning (or in my case, the afternoon) of February 14th, you're in the game. You can either mope around complaining about how much you hate it and how it's a commercial holiday based solely on money making intentions and ridicule the couples traipsing off to their long awaited reservation for two, or you can milk it for all the gratuitous adoration you can seize in a 24 hour period. Why would I not want to participate in a holiday whose whole crux is founded on allowing the general public an opportunity to tell me how much they like me? I'm in. All in.
As a single woman, I tend to get creative in my celebration style on Valentine's Day. The following is a sure fire why to enjoy the day whether you like it or not.
1. Wake up as late as possible. The more people don't actually see you on this day, the better. They'll wonder if you're still going at it from the night before. This curiosity is best enhanced with some subtle implications. Once you get out and about make sure to giggle a lot and say things like " Sorry I'm late. I'm so sore. Is my face red? I think I have whisker burn." Always end it with an emphatic "Don't ask!"
2. Dress "as if." Dress as if you're trying to seduce someone. Nobody needs to know your "someone" is really "anyone."
3. Always have remnants of chocolate on your person. You don't need expensive chocolate for this. Suck on a Twix. It'll leave chocolate deposits on the side of your mouth and you can smear the caramel on your shirt. People always ask about food stains. Believe me. Bonus: if you suck a Twix in public, extra attention!
4. Carry around a vase of flowers. Make sure to huff and puff and make a big deal out of it. Don't pay for flowers! You can get them for free. Go to the Halloween store, get blood pellets. Yes they sell them. Put one under your tongue, approach an FTD delivery truck, bite the pellet, as the fake blood drips out the corner of your chocolate stained mouth say " Excuse me, I forgot to get my boyfriend flowers. Can I trouble you for a dozen roses? Please? Oh god here he comes" grab the flowers and run for your life. The fake blood ends up looking like wine stains after about 10 minutes. Keep that effect.
5. Pay incessant attention to your phone. Pretend to be texting and receiving texts all day. Laugh a lot, ask people things like "How do you say 'I can't wait' in Italian?", toss your hair and look up to the sky with a smile on your face like your thinking of something witty then suddenly go back to the phone like you just thought of the perfect retort. Be intensely preoccupied.
6. Stop into your local for a quick one. By now you should be decked to the nines with chocolate, caramel and "wine" stains, carrying your free flowers. Let men buy you drinks but keep saying "Shit! I gotta go. I'm so late." Don't stay past 8:30 p.m. You'll blow your cover.
7. Go home, but don't fall asleep. Get online and find a restaurant you've always wanted to go to. At midnight, post a link to the restaurant's website to your Facebook page with a clever comment, implying you went there for Valentine's Day.
8. Call into work sick the next day. Wait until noon and then change your relationship status on all your social networking sites. People watch that stuff. Wait for comments. Be patient.
9. Raise awareness. When you go back to work, carelessly drop an unopened pregnancy test kit from your purse. Look around anxiously while you slowly go to retrieve it. Leave the Plan B website up on your computer by accident. Don't wear eye makeup so you look sleepy.
10. Manipulate suspicion.Whenever anyone asks you about Valentine's Day and your relationship, smile sheepishly and tell them you're a very private person. After all, you don't want to lie.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle. Visit her website and blog.