An Incomplete and Inaccurate History of Sport

04/22/2008 11:14 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Readers,

If you don't click on the links provided this will make little sense.

It might make little sense even if you do.

Hit escape to get out of this right now.

Thank you for not hitting escape.

Here's somebody endorsing my book.

That was very nice of Jimmy. There's some other guy who said my book sucks:

On TV, Mayne might be entertaining; as an author, he is overbearing, often trying to get more play out of a single joke than it can bear. Other comedic observations, such as security lines at airports and the perils of getting the right order at Starbucks, read like stale standup routines. The book's best parts feature Mayne straying from his funnyman persona to reflect on his personal life. Glimpses of the man behind the mockery are far too infrequent within Mayne's relentless, tiresome attempts at generating laughs." - Publishers Weekly

Wow. That cut deep. But this guy isn't exactly Frank Rich so I'm not losing any sleep.

Not when people are saying things like the following.

That was very nice of Adam. I got his number from Jimmy. I was once on Adam's show for about 20 minutes and I don't think he knew who I was.

This reminds me of when I used to do freelance work for TV stations from the city whose tackle football teams were playing the Seahawks. Not all at once. That would have been like a weird NFL jamboree. But on those days when someone paid me to get post-game sound from their city's players, not because I was any good but because it meant they didn't have to fly a crew out to Seattle, I sometimes struggled in obtaining useful television material. If Marcus Allen rolled by, I knew him. But a lot of the other guys came with no name tags above their dressing cubicle in the visitor's locker room.

Me: So, big guy, some game.
Big Guy: Yeah?
Me: Talk to me about your defense today AND your offense.

I would continue this line of questioning until I narrowed down just which side of the ball he played on. Then I'd do some hard core journalism.

No wonder I've been asked to be on such an authoritative site. Whatever site this is.

Here's more about my book which is the point of all this. My point anyway.

What was I thinking back then? I was thinking we should start a silly web site and pretend to take on Harry Potter and everyone would laugh for many days and then they'd start talking about how I have a book and how I pretended to take on Harry Potter but then I didn't but then I kept on putting up blogs and videos and at some point it became clear that the Harry Potter thing was a genius marketing move and many millions stood at the ready to buy this fine piece of literature which I hope doesn't open up on the discount table though I would take any sales right now and wow, that was the first comma in this long hunk of typeset and does type-set have a dash like that or is it a compound word and what was this supposed to be about anyway they said it was supposed to be a blog and the olden days blogs back when blogs first starting happening had no punctuation did they no they were just a bunch of thoughts and structure didn't matter but in my book I have periods and paragraphs and everything you'd ever want in a book except for a really high price that no one should have to pay for something they can read while standing right there at the book shelf but don't do that because my goal is one million books sold and that's just crazy isn't it but everyone has to have goals or how else would they know failure and be able to make a big comeback?

Here's another:

Kenny Mayne returns to Dancing With the Stars April 29 at which time he'll beg Tom Bergeron to say "Kenny Mayne has a new book, An Incomplete and Inaccurate History of Sport."