One of the great things about Facebook is the ability to reread posts made in the spur of the moment and quickly forgotten. I tend to forget some of the funny things our kids say, and it's great to have the ability to look back and remember. As two white gay dads raising two amazing African-American boys, our house is always hopping. Here are quotations from our 13-year-old, Mason, and our 10-year-old, Marcus, in another edition of "Sh*t My Kids Say."
Me: "Marcus, it is 6 a.m. What are you doing up? Trying to get into that ice cream?!"
Marcus: "I need energy."
Marcus: "Do babies have balls when they're born?"
Me: "Well, boy babies do."
Marcus: "Yeah, I know. Girls have cracks."
Me: "I sure hope I'm there to see you when you find someone you love and maybe have kids."
Marcus: "But if you're not, I'll do the funeral and dig and put you in there."
Mason: "You know that woman with the voice on The Nanny? It's an old-time show."
Me: "The thing Mason feels most passionately about is football."
Marcus: "And sagging his jeans."
Marcus: "My hair has lots of great qualities. It is soft, and curly, and, uh...." Deep sigh. "Maybe that's it."
Me, chaperoning a field trip to Disneyland, on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, going through the bayou swamp: "I can't imagine any place I would like to live less than a swamp."
Mason: "I'd even live in New York."
Marcus, accompanying me on a run: "Keep going, Daddy! Don't give up! If you don't stop running, you'll get a big kissy from me when we get home!" (#BestCoachEver)
Mason: "Girls have smellier farts than guys."
Me: "What makes you think so?"
Mason: "'Cause they hold 'em in for the longest time."
Me, weeks before Christmas: "Guess what I just did? Wrapped presents for you two. They're under the tree."
Marcus: "If it was a puppy, it would die, right?"
Mason: "Are you Santa?"
Me: "What makes you ask?"
Mason: "I just want to know."
Me: "Santa has many helpers."
Mason: "I always thought Santa was African-American."
Me: "Why do you say that?"
Mason: "He's so jolly, with the big belly and all. Maybe I can be him next Halloween."
Me: "All I know is people who believe in Santa get presents. The rest don't."
Mason: "So can you get me an iPad?"
Me: "You smell like chocolate."
Marcus: "That's 'cause I'm brown."
Note from Mason: "Dear Dad, Thank you for showing me that life isn't boring and being my dad. I wish there was no such thing as dying so you could be with me forever. You are a very nice dad and I love you. Thank you for encouraging me in doing big things. You are a cool dad. I wish you could make Marcus the same as you. Love you, Mason. P.S. Don't show this to Marcus"
Marcus: "I had a very sad dream last night. Want to hear it?"
Marcus: "We were ninjas -- well, good ninjas fighting the bad ninjas -- and we had penguins. But they wandered away from us, and me and Mason couldn't find them, so we were sad."
Marcus, to a friend: "Yeah, our vacation this year is at a place with a really short name: P-town. Get it? Pee-town?"
Me: "Mason, I want to ask you something--"
Mason: "No, Dad! Not 'The Talk.' Not again."
Marcus, watching the Darren Criss/Matthew Bomer duet of "Somebody That I Used to Know" on Glee: "They probably fart, right, in real life?"
Me: "Do you know what a syllable is?"
Marcus: "Yes. Butt" -- clap -- "hole!" clap.
And, lastly, my favorite: For Russ' birthday dinner, Marcus made a sign that he put on the table, directing "Praisetents here!" My first reaction was to correct him, but the more I thought about it, with the emphasis on "praise," the more I liked it. From now on, whenever I give a gift, I'm really giving a "praisetent."
Kergan Edwards-Stout's debut novel, Songs for the New Depression, was winner of the 2012 Next Generation Indie Book Award in the LGBTQ category, shortlisted for the Independent Literary Awards and named one of the Top Books of 2012 by Out in Print and others.
Follow Kergan Edwards-Stout on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edwardsstout