"Shit ____ Say" videos have replaced planking as the latest Internet meme, including videos on "Shit Gay Guys Say" and "Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys". Their funny observations have me thinking about the "serious" questions I get from straight people, both open-minded friends and idiots -- questions that are almost exclusively a function of my being gay.
The FAQ below contains the questions I most commonly get, but I know others are out there. What am I missing, readers?
"Who pays on dates?"
This is a commonly asked question with an uninteresting answer. During dating, the check is typically split. There are specific situations and sects of the community providing exceptions -- "sugar daddies" exist, and starving artists have appetites, despite what the physiques of Broadway extras lead you to believe.
Once you're in a relationship, things work as you'd imagine: checks are split unless there's huge income disparity. I can't recount a relationship I've had where I ate for free. The only time a gay man goes into a date with a meal ticket is when it's with a high-profile scientologist -- they're loaded.
"When did you know you were gay?"
People ask how and where "it" starts, especially curious about whether it starts as a spark or like an atomic explosion, all glitter and spray tan, no radiation. After years of reflection, I say there's something religious about the way I discovered my sexuality. To clarify: the Tammy Faye type of religion involving wild theatrics, a semblance of spiritual mystery, and the constant question of whether or not who I am would save my soul or condemn it.
Ultimately, coming of age is first about what you discover, and then about the when -- gay men float in stages of figuring things out for variable periods of time. Phase one occurs as the terrifying reality that you're different sinks in. There are many ways to reconcile this reality -- shut it away, warp it with drugs and alcohol, dance toward it slowly (secretly DVRing Glee), or give in. Phase two revolves around victory or defeat, depending on your approach. Just as you grow excited about being different -- special -- you realize you're the same as many others. Either you're crushed because your courage to come out manifests itself as self-importance (and your coming-out story is never going to get you that book deal), or you're thrilled to have hundreds of (broad) shoulders to cry on.
Once I told a bigot about my belief that coming to terms with one's sexuality is spiritual and involves an evolution that's required for a fully developed sense of self. He responded that I need more faith. I rattled George Michael back ("a-faith-a-faith"), and that's exactly when I knew my transformation was complete.
"Have you ever been with a girl?"
This question is as absurd to me as when people ask if, given that I'm half Palestinian, I've ever dated an Israeli. It's not absurd just because the question implies that the experience is unnatural, but because it's personal. Gay men: next time someone asks you this question, I implore you to raise your voice and speak with hand gestures (even if it's not typical). Make the asker feel uncomfortable about their comfort in addressing you as a case study.
I never felt a need to ask any of my six straight college roommates if they've been with guys, and I can't imagine it's a question they need talking points around like us.
"Why are gay men so fit?"
First, we're not. America is one of the most obese nations in the world, and no community is immune to it (you're welcome, Mrs. Obama!). Alas, this isn't a diatribe on male body image and the media; I won't go on about how society reinforces gay stereotypes. Further, I don't have stats on "gay BMI" versus "straight BMI." I can only speak anecdotally as a gay man living in New York who occasionally attends parties hosted at hotels with well-lit pools...
It's true: there exists a bevy of gay men with incredible bodies. There's no one reason for it. My gay uncle recently told me he hasn't had ice cream in 10 years, and whenever I'm asked if I want crackers or bread with my soup, I'm a little too quick and loud in saying, "Neither!" On the surface, many of us do swear off potatoes. But digging deeper, using some of what I learned in anthropology, I find it's easy to look at other microcosms of society and transpose them onto the gay community. I think about the world of finance, where most traders have six-packs and can do the pretzel naked without revealing an ounce of body fat. They operate in a hyper-competitive reality that is insulated by the long hours they work. Our community is insulated by the bars we attend and the restaurants we brunch at. We compete with each other constantly, and the stakes are heightened because when you are able to lock down a relationship, it's much easier than in heterosexual relationships to discern whether or not it's a mismatch (imagine this as a neon sign above your head -- I'm speaking from experience). It's probably this last piece that pushes us toward the gym more than anything else. Neon light is unflattering.
"Why are gay men so fashionable?"
Because we're fit.
"Do you think so-and-so is gay?"
It can always go in multiple directions.
A confident girl with a healthy sense of reality asks: probably -- she's asking for a reason.
An insecure girl asks: probably not -- it's probably that she's insecure.
A straight guy asks: depends, and the key to answering often requires a whole different type of video.
One of my friends was very shocked and rather creeped out when I told her, but it was through her constant questioning and my determined answering that she was gradually able to accept me for who I am, and now she's one of the most passionate supporters of the LGBT community that I've ever met!
Same thing happened with my Christian, conservative family. That includes my previously extremely homophobic grandparents!
Anyways, so great to hear about your friends and family... I feel like we're moving the needle towards a world where that sort of acceptance is happening more frequently and more quickly.
I'm a gay girl, but I've been with guys. Truthfully, I think it makes sense when people ask you if you've been with the opposite sex although you're gay. I think it opens them to understanding 1. sexuality CAN be fluid or it's not black and white and 2. we all do things to fit in or figure our way around this life.
I don't regret my past experiences with men although I do sometimes feel that they'd feel uncomfortable or strange if they found out I came out.
I wasn't quite sure what your response to that question meant, but I don't think it's offensive to be asked.
Tell the questioner that being gay is like being left handed. The percentage of society is about the same. You can force a child who is left handed to write with the right hand, but they will actually always be left handed.
And here is where it applies to the question.
Some people are severely right handed, some people are severely left handed, some people are ambidextrous. And there are people across the entire spectrum. This actually jives with my understanding of Kinsey's research.
I don't think it was wise for Cynthia Nixon to make the statement the WAY she did because there are a lot of people who won't understand and who will say "see--it is a choice". I think she could have said that, for her, it was a choice. And then she should at least say "maybe I'm bi-sexual."
LOL first laugh of the day thx!
im so old no one ever asks:)
Meaning, of course, that neither heterosexuality nor homosexuality are chosen.
Now you're really gonna confuse the fundies.....LOL.
Also, noticied how young straight men are quickly picking up our habits without realizing it. You go to certain major cities such as Miami (well more South Beach), LA, New York, Sydney, Barcelona, Rio, Chicago and at times you can't tell which guys are straight and which ones are gay not to mention the bis.
That answer doesn't really satisfy the questioner, so if I'm in the right mood I try to dig for what's behind the question. Typically it's one of two things:
Usually they want to know who takes on most of the stereotypically "female" parts of the relationship - who is the emotional one, the social one, the one who does the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. In that case my short answer works (although I usually have to explain more): Neither of us is all of those things. My partner does the cooking and most of the cleaning, and I mow the lawn, clean the garage, and refinish the basement. But we split the laundry, and I'm much more the social/emotional one.
Sometimes they want to know the sex part - who is the bottom and who is the top. And the answer is always an unequivocal "None of your business".
I'm straight and I don't get that!
And grin, always grin.