On June 4th, I (and about 8000 close autism friends) attended Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey's "Green Our Vaccines" rally in Washington, DC. After marching a mile and a half in the nuclear, DC sun, we arrived on the lawn in front of the Capitol building for two hours of inspirational speeches by doctors, parents, advocates (like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Jenny and her devoted beau, Jim Carrey.
Jim's speech included one line that has resonated with me. No, not "We are here! We are here!", although there were plenty of Horton Hears a Who-related chants at the rally. As he talked about the many rings of fire Jenny went through to help her son Evan, who was diagnosed with both autism and a seizure disorder, he said (I'm paraphrasing, I was too star struck to remember the exact words), "Autism made me a man." He made it clear that loving Jenny and Evan had changed him for the better. Wow. Break out the hankies people. He stopped me cold on a very hot day.
Autism snaps the backbone of many families. Or it turns a spine to steel, able to bend but never to break. On this Father's Day, I'd like to salute all of the fathers of kids with autism. Whether your child is a toddler, or approaching AARP membership, you deserve a salute. So here I go:
This post is for the dads who've stuck by their kids. To the single dads, who work overtime for their children. To the grandfathers who donate their time and money and knowledge and love to help their grandchildren. (Like my own wonderful Dad.) To the men who've learned now to make killer GFCF smoothies and who are willing to wake up at 1:00am to administer MB12 shots when Mom can't bear to do it. To the men who hold onto their child during a meltdown -- while Mom grabs the activated charcoal.
To the men who miss T-ball and soccer practices, instead going to speech therapy and social skills groups. To the men who can read an IEP as well as the baseball stats. To the men who will never give up believing that one day, their sons and daughters will greet them with words and a smile. To the men who spend more time laminating PECS than working on their pecs. To the men who find a new job, in a faraway state, to ensure better services for their children. To the men who are still saving for their child's college tuition, even while they scrimp and save to pay for ABA therapy and OT equipment in the basement. To the men who gave up careers to devote their days to their child's better health and functioning. To the men who stand by their wives and girlfriends and partners with strength, loyalty and the shelter of open arms. To the men who are planning for their daughters' weddings, not their group homes.
Happy Father's Day to all of you. And most especially, to the man in my own house who has stood by me and our daughters every day for over sixteen years; my husband Mark. You were a young man when I married you. You are a man among men now. Thank you. And I love you. Happy Father's Day.
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Kim Stagliano
Hooray for the dads and uncles and grandpaps too!!
My husband was a "man" before autism came into our family, but grew to be an even more lovable man after.
-Angela Short
Thanks Honey.
I look forward to reading your blog and David Kirby's blog. Most men, such as myself, do not need to be thanked for caring and raising an autistic child. With that said, I truly appreciate your kind words. Being their father is what we're suppose to do. Each of us was given a child by God for a reason. It is up to each of us to pursue that reason. We owe it to them and we owe it ourselves.
Thanks for this great piece. Just like the moms, us dads are just trying to do the best we can for our kids. Sometimes it feels like never enough. So, your piece was very special to read.
Thanks for remembering our amazing guys!!
You made me cry - again!
Hugs,
Lin
A couple of years ago, a bunch of us started a group called ADHL--Autism Dad's Having Lunch. We would meet in a Manhattan saloon once a month for a burger (or a salad), a beer (or a diet coke) and an hour or so of commiseration and jokes. You may have spotted some of us in the movie "Normal People Scare Me."
It was an odd collection of white collar/blue collar, professionals, sales men and even one secret agent (honest). We had three rules: No proselytizing (you could say that chelation was good for your kid, but not try to pressure anyone else to try it), no fund raising and lunch was dutch treat (we didn't want anyone to claim individual ownership).
The group has been dormant for awhile, our kids got older, we got tougher. But it was a great idea that should be reincarnated and replicated.
Changing public policy for the better is a slow, frustrating, and necessary part of fighting the fight. Dads, Moms are usually way too busy day to day and need help on this front. Pick any topic and there's work to be done. Education, housing, adult services, early intervention, jobs....the list is endless. Get involved.
This is beautiful in its truth and detail.
My husband has held our son during many a meltdown without hurting him. He's survived that and being accused of "abusing" his child when actually he was trying to calm him. Some inexperienced cops many years ago but it still happens today I know. And it happens more to fathers because they so often come in to provide the gentle muscle that gets a kid through a tantrum.
I'd also like to thank three of our neighbors, all fathers. One helped me to hold Dan down many years ago at the ice skating rink - ice skates and all. The other two, also have kids on the spectrum, and they both got bit by someone else's kid - mine - when they came in to help at a crucial moment. So thank you J.J., Marty and Mitchell!
And of course here's to your Mark, who fathers three daughters on the spectrum with grace and compassion. And of course here's to my Jim. We will be married 24 years tomorrow, almost 18 of them with autism.
The real story is about the individuals in government, the press, at drug companies and their political shills and think tank lobbyists who do the dirty work.
This nation needs to change fundamentally so that ALL, men and women, act out of a sense of DUTY.
Cowards are just what they appear to be. It is not gender specific.
Being married 16+ years and recovering our kids (one with autism & one with gastro intestinal issues, hypotonia & dyspraxia) has been hard on our marriage. Dad's are such an important piece in our kids recovery and without them I don't believe I would have one child completely recovered from vaccine damage and one 90% recovered (acts more ADD than ASD!) It is definitely a team operation and I continue to pray that our families can keep it together for everyone's sake. Dad's ROCK! Don't give up without a fight. Autism IS Recoverable!
Thanks Kim!
Jackie
all the wonderful dads with their children. I have learned to throw a pretty good football though. Who would have thought?
Maurine M
Happy Father's Day. Good for you.