Confessions of a Recovering Twilight Addict

I am a 36 year-old mother of a 4 year-old boy, and I spent way too many hours last summer reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series; the best-selling, four-book romance between an extraordinary teenaged vampire and a dull teenaged human. That was the first sign that something was wrong: these books are about teenagers, for teenagers. I'm not even the mother of a teenager.

But I became obsessed with the love story between underachiever Bella and perfect-vampire boyfriend Edward, squeezing in paragraphs while my son's tub filled during the day, feigning "headaches" when my husband returned home in the evening so I could steal off to my room for a full chapter of the pair's cuddling and meaningful glances.

My husband jokingly offered one night to dress in a vampire costume to regain my attention, but I wasn't interested in a fling with the undead. As a stay-at-home mother who wonders if my chance to shine in a career has passed, I was hooked on the fantasy of being spotted by a brilliant, magical vampire who insists I am the most spectacular being he has ever met.

The Twilight books have sold millions of copies and attracted an enthusiastic fan base. The film version filled theaters upon its November release, quickly achieving blockbuster status as well. The story is especially popular with girls and young women. But as evidenced by web sites like twilightmoms.com, I am not the only adult fan.

When I hear other people talk about these books, the excitement usually focuses on Edward, who is extremely handsome, resists drinking human blood, and refuses to have sex with Bella until after marriage. Edward is immediately intrigued by Bella the first time he spots her across a crowded cafeteria. He finds her scent so appealing he wants to drink her blood in the middle of biology class.

In my imagination, Edward brushes past me in a grocery store aisle, ignores my outdated mommy shorts, and immediately recognizes my insight and creativity. My Edward doesn't have to be a vampire. A book publisher would do. Or a Mensa member who identifies my high I.Q. by the way I organize my shopping list.

I love being a mother. I made the decision to cut back my paid work to part-time and now to occasional status to help my child enter kindergarten with a backpack of self esteem and security. I know this shouldn't feel like a professional failing.

Yet I occasionally look back on my hard-earned college education and am nagged by thoughts of what I might have accomplished if I'd maintained my focus on paid work. Sometimes I imagine the money I might have made if I'd pursued a past opportunity with a start-up web site, or the awards that might decorate my wall if I'd churned out more investigative news articles before my priorities changed so drastically. Then maybe I'd feel like these days sitting on the floor setting up wooden Brio train tracks are a well-earned sabbatical. Maybe I'd stop wondering whether I ever had the potential I never got around to reaching.

My favorite fairy tale before Twilight was the one where the 1970s girl grows up to have a stunning career and a family. I feel stymied by the real-life decisions of whether to leave a child with a runny nose in daycare, or hire a nanny not because she's great but because she's the only one whose schedule matches mine. Other moms I know face similar frustrations: A former engineer knows she has lost the technical skill critical to her profession; a school administrator passes up a promising job so she can keep her summers with her child.

I didn't realize how much I had started believing I just didn't have what it takes to make it all work out. But in reading Twilight, I held my breath as Bella struggled with the idea of becoming a vampire herself, and faced familiar questions about pleasing the people she loves versus pleasing herself. I was thrilled as Bella began slowly to believe she was worthy of a vampire's affections, and discovered hints of her own supernatural talents and skills.

There were signs that I wouldn't like where all of this was going. Much of the story hinges on Bella's heightened dependence on Edward for reassurance and protection. And as the books bring Bella closer to the point where she will become Edward's vampire mate at age 17, I felt increasingly uneasy with the idea of Bella literally giving up her life for her man.

But the story took a turn I couldn't have imagined in the fourth and final book. Through a bizarre series of events, Bella gives birth to Edward's baby, a magical tot who arrives with the ability to "speak" her thoughts by merely touching her parents, and matures rapidly to an easy-going toddler in weeks. In her new roles as vampire wife and mother, Bella finds her true calling ("It was like I had been born to be a vampire," she marvels). She has time to perfect her new vampire abilities, while also maintaining a very active sex life and raising a child. Talk about a fantasy.

Perhaps I should have cheered Bella as the ultimate Super Mom. But I wanted this ordinary girl to turn to her inner strengths to find happiness; to accept the compromises of her life and make the best of them. Instead, Bella manages to have it all only because she has become immortal and does not require sleep, in addition to having a nearly need-free baby. Maybe this was Meyer's fantasy as a mother of three who began writing Twilight when her children were very young. For me, the extreme unreality only reinforced how hard meshing motherhood and professional success is for us mere humans.

But maybe that's what I needed to remember, that in real life mothers don't really have to be spectacular. We should know we are good enough. I set down the hefty tome with its sleek black jacket, I knew I'd never lose myself in Bella's world again. I was done waiting for the vampire.

Comments

[goddess1871]

I, for one, LOVED the books and quite loved the movie, despite the rather clunky script. At 37, I enjoy them simply because I get a moment to ESCAPE for a bit. For a short time, I don't have to think about finishing my dissertation or paying my mortgage, because I have a dead-sexy (pun intended) vampire who thinks I'm pretty hot, too, protecting me from trackers and their revenge-seeking mates. I guess that's what makes it great for me; I must admit that I liked the story too much to think about gender roles and all that. I will say, though, that the way it makes me feel guilty is that I don't think I love my husband as wildly as Bella loves Edward, although we'll never find out how much she loves him when he won't do any wash or vacuum! lol

[LisaLisa1234]

I've read all 4 books in a very short time, because I have an adolescent daughter who had read them all. And it always bugs me to read a book after I've seen the movie.

I was seriously underwhelmed. I felt like the premise had such promise, and there were moments when the story seemed like it could almost get there...but overall, it's a miss in my opinion.

Just a little TOO breathless & romance-oriented for me. While it does give my daughter & I a slightly less-embarrassing setting for talking about sex & relationships (which we talk about anyway, this just makes her forget she's actually talking about it)--and I think if I were a teenager I would probably be swooning too--as a grown woman with a real relationship and real responsibilities, it's all very shallow. I don't think Meyer's character development comes close to J.K. Rowling's.

I loved the last paragraph of your article. It's so true.

[Yvaughn]

I see something more worrisome here than a fantasy novel in which a girl falls in love with an adoring, protective, and gentlemanly vampire and ends up having a perfect fantasy life.

I see the continuation of a disturbing belief that somehow, women are stupid enough to confuse their literary entertainments with real life.

Yes, a subset of fans of any popular franchise go too far--fans of action movies who try the stunts, sports fans who get into brawls over their teams, and yes, Fangrlz who get tattoos or ask actors to bite them. Those are the MINORITY. Yet many of us take condescending pleasure in pointing out those extremists and tsk tsking, as if their foolishness shows us in a better light.

Many people don't like the TWILIGHT books. That's fine. Quite a few people (myself included) do like them--and the large majority of us know from the start that they are fiction, and not something by which to judge our own self-worth. While you can criticize Bella getting everything "easily" (if you consider the constant danger, or descriptive heartbreak of NEW MOON, easy) or her many rescues by her superhuman hero, you could instead praise that her strengths aren't clothes or money or beauty, that she's rarely selfish or that she, in the end, becomes the rescuer.

Why is that not fine, as well?

[tuffymama]

Excellent post. I find it extremely tiresome when people judge The Twilight series by "what message is being sent to the fragile, brainless, easily-manipulated females in the world." I read the Twilight books the way I read all other books: for the joy of immersing myself in a different world than my own. Sometimes characters in the books I read act the way I would act, and sometimes they don't. Either is fine.

[YvonneB]

How could you!!!! I have only read 2 of the books and now I know that Bella has Edward's baby? PLEASE PLEASE post that you are revealing crucial plot lines when you write about a novel or movie. Thanks for spoiling it for me and others.

[LisaLisa1234]

I avoided all articles about Twilight after I had only the first book, and an article I read gave away things about Jacob.

Now I've finished them all, so I can read all the articles!

I agree, spoiler alerts are always considerate.

[rabb046]

Though I was not planning on reading it, I may have watched the movie by the time it hit cable.
Now I don't have to. Next time you feel the need to reveal the ending of an entire four-book series, please include the phrase "spoiler alert" somewhere near the beginning of the article. .

[greendream]

I agree with the sentiment of the article but I find myself to be one of the few females of any age who didn't like Twilight. Its lonely out here.

[abigcheese]

Woman here. I hated the books. I read two of them, hoping the author redeemed herself in the second book. I thought they were anti-girl power books. I really don't understand why anyone likes them. She's whiny and makes her well-being and happiness completely dependent on Edward.

When I was going through books to take to Goodwill, I think I actually threw my copies away instead (and I REALLY don't throw books away). I don't want any young girls reading that crap.

[pjamarama]

i sometimes feel inadequate due to the fact that the house isn't as spotless as i would like it to be, but i think its true that being a mum is enough to be great, so what if i only got 2 hours sleep a few nights in a row at least i know the kids are healthy and happy. i wish i had more time to get everything done but hey who doesn't. and im still a twilight addict still not quite finished with them...but i'll forget your spoilers i promise hehe

[bimplebean]

Kimberly: Just being a mother makes you spectacular. Add this article to the mix and you are revealed as a thoughtful, conscientious, caring, feeling, human with a good heart. Looks like success to me.

[mmp1953]

I love this article "Confessions of a Recovering Twilight Addict" I am a much older mother who was also very addicted to the Twilight Saga. I was a stay at home mom for years, went back to work when my children when my children went to college and now took an early retirement at age 55. Like the author of this article, my career took a hit with caring for my children, but I wouldn't trade it for 5 careers. I have memories and moments that I wouldn't give away in trade. Her last paragraph hit home. "But maybe that's what I needed to remember, that in real life mothers don't really have to be spectacular. We should know we are good enough. I set down the hefty tome with its sleek black jacket, I knew I'd never lose myself in Bella's world again. I was done waiting for the vampire." I can relate to this. Thank you for writing this wonderful article.