Separate Bedrooms: The Secret To Success?
I like to share. It's very satisfying to introduce great stuff to people I love. There can be so much pleasure in mutual experiences and it's more fun to share than to hoard. But-- there is one thing I really prefer not to share: a bed. It's not that I don't like being in bed with someone I adore, but sleeping together all night, every night is almost impossible for me.
I struggled with this realization for years and spent hours of guilt on it. How could I love my partner and not want to sleep in the same bed with him much of the time? Sharing sleep is one of the most intimate experiences of our lives, and it felt like a shortcoming on my part that I could not merge in this way. It seems that publicly, at least, there is the opinion in Western culture that couples who truly love one another sleep together.
In the book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, the character Tomas, a hopeless philanderer who suddenly finds himself in love, makes this observation: "Making love to a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)."
There is romance in this sentiment, but for me it literally induces insomnia. Call me pragmatic, but I really enjoy not having to battle for the bed sheets or listen to snoring at 4 a.m. I like being able to read for as long as I want and eat cookies with careless abandon for where the crumbs may fall. Mostly though, I appreciate how separate bedrooms give me options. I can be with my partner because of desire, not necessity. Separation can banish the mundane. It's refreshing to be able to focus more on the quality of time spent together rather than the quantity.
A 2007 survey conducted by the National Association of Home Builders predicted that more than 60 percent of custom houses built by 2015 would have dual master bedrooms. So it seems I am not alone in finding a room of my own. In a casual poll of friends, opinion seemed pretty much split down the middle. Some looked at me in horror and couldn't imagine not curling up next to their partner every night, while others heartily agreed with me. The next question for them, sharers and non-sharers alike, is - and what about separate bathrooms?
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
Excellent article, thanks.
Being a nonconformist is good. Following "what other people think" is a losing proposition. Anyway, it's none of their business. Do what's right for you.
oogabooga,
Yep, you wrote that perfectly. Truly, truer words were never written.
I've tried it both ways and am delighted that my husband wants to sleep with me. My previous (late) husband did not, and we had separate bedrooms for many years, with me usually banished to the guest room or a storage room. I missed sleeping next to him. Now I sleep next to my husband every night and do not sleep well when he is not there; he also does not sleep well if I am not there for some reason. The few nights we have spent apart in the same house were because the TSA broke part of his CPAP mask on a flight home and he had to sleep sitting up in the living room until a new part arrived. Neither one of us slept well at all.
I have become accustomed to the sound of his CPAP and he has become accustomed to the sound of my dialysis machine. We have been married for over 4 1/2 years and together for the better part of 6 years, and expect to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope, and he hopes, that we will sleep together for many years.
Rivercs,
Oh, o.k, you win for the sweetest love story. God bless you and your husband.
YES to separate bedrooms. YES to separate bathrooms. Have tried it both ways and LOVE the space. We still have intimacy and can choose together or apart with no guilt. My room is decorated in feminine decor and his looks like a guy's room. We can sleep,read and be great companions at will.
My husband has a serious snoring problem, at least he did until he got a C-pap machine. The C-pap makes little huffing noises (like a fawn in the woods , noises that ought to be endearing, but aren't) . These keep me awake as much as the snoring did. And he is a restless sleeper who alternatively hogs and throws off the covers. He is a day person and I am a night owl. We have had separate bedrooms for years, and we have a guest bedroom for ...errrrr....what married people do in bedrooms. It works out well for us, and I think that-- in the long run-- too much enforced resentment-building togetherness is detrimental to a good relationship.
We have always made a point of having a house with a minumum of two floors, perferably 3.
Whenever we are in a hotel, I try to time my breathing to coincide with his snoring, and it just plain doesn't work. Once I tried to roll him over...anything to make the snoring stop.... and he leaped up and hit his head HARD on the headboard and opened up a big cut that required stitches. We were 200 miles from home.. We would get separate rooms in hotels too, if it weren't for the high cost.
I used to not want to admit it because I didn't want people to think that either of us was rejecting the other. Now we don't care anymore what people think.
I wish I did. I LOVE it when my husband is away and I get the bed to myself. I have less room in my bed than my kids do - it's ridiculous.
Unfortunately, I don't have a house big enough for another bedroom.
Very nice and brave article. Having separate bedrooms should not be a taboo. If that halps to have a healthy living and lifestyle go for it. The author has brought this subject to the forefront and I hope to see more of of such articles by her .
Thanks to trying to trying to stay in the "marriage bed", I have been taking Ambien for the last 13 years. I am a light sleeper and my husband has RLS and snores. It has ruined my life. I wish I had been strong enough to go sleep in another room but his attitude has been as other men have said. Separate rooms. Separate lives. Doesn't sound too bad to me now. But my health problems created by too much Ambien and too little sleep for 20 years has taken away my options. I'm scheduled for a sleep study soon but it may be too late.
My wife and I have been married for almost fifteen years and don't share a bed for three very good reasons:
I'm a big, heavy, hairy guy and it's very difficult to get cooled down enough that I can sleep well. When it's cool enough that I can sleep, she's so cold that she can't.
When I do sleep, I snore loudly enough that I swear we're gonna get a call from CalTech one of these nights, just making sure eveything's okay.
And THEN I have to have the radio on all night. My father does, too.
LOL. Wow, I needed that laugh. Thank you rootvg for that picture.
LOL....in our relationship, I am the one who wants the tv on all night as a night light. and a source of white noise. (Too bad those two things are all the tv is good for these days) If I don't have it on, I might rebreak the toe that I keep breaking when I am a klutz in the middle of the night. I have a wonderful silk sleep mask that I can slip off if I have to get up. Anybody who has sleeping issues ought to get one. Get the big one that is more like a blindfold...using it will send you into a wonderful calm zone in which it is easy to fall asleep..
Like the author and many of my fellow comment posters, I too am part of a couple that sleeps separately. My husband snores like a freight train the minute he falls asleep. Early on I had to accept that in order to function during the day I had to sleep alone. Even then, I've had to resort to earplugs when my hubby is particularly loud at night. While not optimal, our separate sleeping arrangement has worked well with one notable exception- traveling. We either have to rent a hotel suite with a separate bedroom that is closed off by a substantial door or rent 2 separate rooms. That gets expensive. Being an overnight house guest is particularly troublesome and embarrassing. Well-intentioned hosts often insist that we stay with them and it's so awkward to have to request separate accommodations. I've actually had to sneak off to sleep in the car when a single room is the only one available. Our ability to enjoy travel has been seriously curtailed by this problem. I'd love to know how others who share my plight handle it.
Has your husband been evaluated for sleep apnea? this is a life threatening disease. Buy some gun baffles for tines you must share a room.
I develop a mindset in which I pretend it doesn't matter if I sleep or not. And, if that doesn't work, I find an excuse to take a nap.
Snoring is treatable!
I was a thunderous snorer for decades -- how my wife stood it, I don't know. Then I went to a sleep lab and was diagnosed with sleep apnea -- a disorder where I stopped breathing many times per night, and was breathing badly (and snoring) the rest of the time. Now I sleep with an air pump mask over my face, and the only time I snore (very rarely) is when I dislodge the mask in turning over.
Better sleep for both of us.
I was recently examined by one of the best ENT doctors in the country. He said, yeah...my nose is deviated on the inside and on the outside but operating on it may not achieve the desired result. I have a CT scan scheduled for later this week and I have a feeling they're going to come back and tell me to live with it.
We evolved into separate bedrooms. I work the grave shift and she works days. I don't have a problem working graves, but do have a problem getting all the sleep I need in a single setting. I sleep twice a day, 3 to 4 hours in her bed (our old bed) when she's at work and three to four hours in my bed after she's home, but before she's ready for bed.
Sharing a bed would be disastrous during the work week for me. I wake up at 11 to go to work. She goes to bed between 8 and 10 and loves to fall asleep watching t.v. She can actually be sound asleep and still aware of the dialogue on a show providing background noise.
Two days a week we share her bed. Sleeping together is good but she has gotten quite used to having the bed to herself, to include using my pillow as a body pillow.
As for sex, we're all about early morning (when I get home from work and she's upstairs waiting for me to get her day started off on a good note), afternoons when the house is all ours, or very rarely before work (I either get up too late or she's asleep).
Separate beds can be a sign there's trouble in a marriage,but more often than not it means nothing.
I've always thought this is a good idea. I find it hard to get a good night sleep with another person there-some of us are just lighter sleepers, so why force sleeping together due to custom. I also keep zany hours and might feel like doing something at 3am for example.
I also think it's important to have your own space for your own creativity and inspiration, to help maintain your focus and for meditation if nothing else.
Thank you Kira for writing about this issue.
As with every good relationship, honest communication between the partners is paramount to getting a good nights sleep (which as someone correctly pointed out, is a purely functional but important activity)!
We have a king-sized bed in our master bedroom and most nights, we sleep together because it feels good. But when one of us is having a restless night or has a pain issue or needs to work late into the night, that person sleeps in the guest bedroom and we get to cuddle up in the morning. No one is angry or insulted.
I think the more important thing is whether we have remembered to say "I love you" before going to sleep and upon waking up.
BTW, I personally think that having separate bathrooms is a great idea, with the exception of having a shower together every now and then!
Ooooh - separate bathrooms - BLISS!
This is a mixed bag for me. Some nights I love sleeping close, and others I really need my own space. What's important is to realize that it is OK either way.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
