I like to share. It's very satisfying to introduce great stuff to people I love. There can be so much pleasure in mutual experiences and it's more fun to share than to hoard. But-- there is one thing I really prefer not to share: a bed. It's not that I don't like being in bed with someone I adore, but sleeping together all night, every night is almost impossible for me.
I struggled with this realization for years and spent hours of guilt on it. How could I love my partner and not want to sleep in the same bed with him much of the time? Sharing sleep is one of the most intimate experiences of our lives, and it felt like a shortcoming on my part that I could not merge in this way. It seems that publicly, at least, there is the opinion in Western culture that couples who truly love one another sleep together.
In the book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, the character Tomas, a hopeless philanderer who suddenly finds himself in love, makes this observation: "Making love to a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)."
There is romance in this sentiment, but for me it literally induces insomnia. Call me pragmatic, but I really enjoy not having to battle for the bed sheets or listen to snoring at 4 a.m. I like being able to read for as long as I want and eat cookies with careless abandon for where the crumbs may fall. Mostly though, I appreciate how separate bedrooms give me options. I can be with my partner because of desire, not necessity. Separation can banish the mundane. It's refreshing to be able to focus more on the quality of time spent together rather than the quantity.
A 2007 survey conducted by the National Association of Home Builders predicted that more than 60 percent of custom houses built by 2015 would have dual master bedrooms. So it seems I am not alone in finding a room of my own. In a casual poll of friends, opinion seemed pretty much split down the middle. Some looked at me in horror and couldn't imagine not curling up next to their partner every night, while others heartily agreed with me. The next question for them, sharers and non-sharers alike, is - and what about separate bathrooms?
