Single Motherhood By Design
I don't need a man to have a baby. I don't have to find "The One" and fall in love and get married to procreate. My body doesn't actually care if Cupid has shot my heart straight through with arrows. Love and sentiment technically have nothing to do with the fact that since my menstrual blood began I have been able to have a baby -- whenever I want.
My eggs are sitting inside of me, waiting, waiting, for their chance to engage. They've been here all my life, hundreds of thousands of them, clustered so patiently. They are quiet, tucked away from the outside world in a semblance of security. For most of my life I've barely given them a thought, hidden away as they are in the dark, deep red recesses of body and emotion.
You'd think that such a profound feminine gift would have crossed my mind more, but it hasn't. Sometimes I take for granted what I already own and instead dream of what I desire. While some women know all of their lives that they are meant to be mothers, my youthful ambivalence has been my armor, shielding me from the tougher questions of how we are beholden to one another.
But it feels like a both a blessing and a curse, this gift, as I have woken to the knowledge that my ability to generate life is a choice bound by time. Suddenly, it seems, I am thirty- four and single and my horizon has become a tipping point of fertility. How did I get here so quickly?
Thirty-five is the age that statistics site as the significant beginning of fertility's measured tread towards menopause. It's shocked me to realize that my eggs are in decline. What's shocked me even more, however, is the realization that there is no need for me to wait to act, to wait for love, to wait for a man, if it's children that I want. I am single, yes- but I am not alone.
This isn't how my mother did it. This wasn't a choice that even occurred to her, to be a single mom by design. My mother wanted children and found a husband to have them with. He worked and she took care of the kids. He brought in the money and she brought up the next generation. I was conceived with the values of a 1950s nuclear family practically embedded in my DNA.
Even so, I've never been one for convention. Where people are going has always been more interesting to me than where people have been. In the United States today, traditional nuclear families now constitute a minority, roughly 24% of households compared to about 40% in 1970. There is a rising prevalence of other family arrangements, such as blended families, binuclear families and single parent homes. This shifting landscape demonstrates that what's becoming most important about family has less to do with structural values and more to do with emotional values. Children raised in any of these circumstances need the same thing- positive role models, a sense of belonging, some rules and expectations and someone who loves them unconditionally.
Here I am, faced with choices. I feel lucky to have them, to be a free woman in a free country, with the financial and emotional capacity to provide for a baby. I wonder at this weaving path that embracing love can conceive. For the first time in my life, when people ask me, "Do you want children?", my answer is yes. But I have begun to consider the question: What does family mean to me?
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My sister adopted a baby two years ago, as a single mother. We (the family) were concerned because of her isolation (she doesn't have alot of friends). But those worries have subsided a bit, although technically there is more to worry about now. Motherhood opens up worlds of new opportunities to meet people and expand contacts. She doesn't have a village to raise her kids, but we all see to it that she and her wonderful boy have support when needed.
Now I can't imagine my family without my nephew.
I'm about to turn 42 and have been struggling with this decision myself - for me it's really Last Call. I Actually went to the sperm bacnk and tried to get pregnant several times over almost 2 years ago.
Lately, I'm thinking that being a single mom is just too overwhelming. I have no family, no money other than what I can bring in the door - and amount that would be severely curtailed by raising a kid by myself.
I say, if you've got financial resources and a family willing and able to support you, go for it... but you're only 34 and probably could wait until you're 36 - 37 before you dive in all the way. At least go to a Dr. and have them test your FSH levels (they change month to month, so more than once would be good) to see just how fast your personal clock may be ticking.
From what I have witnessed, the kids in single parent households do just fine. No better or worse than any other background. It's the single parents who seem to suffer for having to be 2 parents in one, on duty at all times, and without the nurturing of an intimate partner. Be selfish. Get yourself someone who loves you first. You and your children will be better off for it.
All I can say is, "good luck", you and any children that you might have are really going to need it.
If, for whatever reason, you can't relate to a man in a family way, well life has played a sad trick on you, and your suffering is not over by any means. You have no choice but to try to make the best of it. Again, good luck.
Speaking as someone who is an offspring of a failed marriage. I think it's admirable for women to raise kids on their own, but if you think it's a futile effort "wait for cupid" before you have a family, try finding love with a child to watch over! I recall my mom was terribly lonely for a very long time with two kids to look after, and became preoccupied with her career instead of family. Until the kid is on their own, I would suspect your life would be one of solitude. Of course, you could always prioritize your desires as you wish. Best regards to you!
If you want children as single woman than you should have them. There is nothing wrong with it, although our misogynist society tries to tell us differently.
Most women I know had children out of wedlock by choice and wouldn’t' have it any other way. They see marriage as too burdensome but see motherhood as a joy and a right of passage. Also, the children aren't damaged emotionally in any way.
So if you want this, then go to the sperm bank and get some kids, or find a man that will donate the sperm and sign away his parental rights.
That is the most ridiculous advice I have ever seen given to someone. Advocating this behavior is irresponsible. I bet these women you know have either a nanny or day care raising their kids at least half of the time. Marriage isnt burdensome if you actually take the time to pick a partner that shares your values and you spend some time with just the two of you for a while before even thinking about children.
As a single mother of 2 really great kids (my ex chooses not to participate in their lives), I can't disagree more with you, Rydog255. My children and well loved, confident, intelligent, and empathetic. I have every confidence that they will grow up to be successful, productive members of society because that is how I am raising them. I do NOT have a nanny. I do use daycare, but so does everyone I know - there is nothing wrong with it. A great majority of 2 parent households have both parents working, you know, so your statement "I bet these women you know have either a nanny or day care raising their kids at least half of the time" and its implications of 'bad parenting' must then be extended to all working parents. Your stance ignorant at best.
Kira, go for it! Not being married is not an obstacle to having a child.
Kira,
The nuclear family... the prince on the white horse is... well, a fairytale. It is rare to say the least. Consider the "happy ending"... til death do you part... not so happy.
Oh, I don't mean to say that 30 or 40 percent of couple don't stay married w/ children, but most of them are not happy functional families that Junior would thrive in. The truth is a child needs but one GOOD adult to raise him (or her). Yes, it's harder on the care giver, but starting without expecting any help is better than thinking you have it and then it's not there. Having no arraignments with another parent; no finacial support, no one else to help with inevitable problems, also means no one else to screw things up, no one to split holidays with, all decisions are yours and yours alone.
I've raised my children on my own. They are well adjusted productive adults in spite of having just one good parent.
You go grrl! A women with a fish is a like a man without a bicycle!
What I want to know who in their right minds would want to be a single parent? A couple of my best friends were and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. Wow, what an ordeal! I'm having enough troubles getting along myself without adding $250k of childrearing costs and all the worry and stress. Frankly, I'm so glad I don't have kids I don't know what to do. I don't have any fields I need a cheap labor source to bring in the corn crop from, what little I save is going into a 401k for my dotage, and I feel no need to get a woman pregnant to prove my manhood, so who needs it?
Unless you have a stable middle class corporate job (the kind that requires a $50K+ college degree these days) or a REALLY extensive and HIGHLY cooperative support network with plenty of resources (I have neither) I can't see it. Unless you have a job like that you are going to be working so many hours you won't have time for very many endearing Kodak moments .
Just about every negative outcome you can think of (HS dropouts ,jail,drug abuse you name it) is an order of magnitude worse for kids raised by single parents , so good luck hon, you are gonna need it!
Why does everyone think that children of single parents are all high school dropouts, drug addicts or strippers? I know many drug addicts who grew up in a a two parent family. Making sweeping generalizations like that is very ignorant. Let us not forget one very impressive child of a single mom - who will hopefully be the next president of the United States.
No one's saying that all children of single parents are high school dropouts and drug addicts, just that the likelihood of that happening goes up significantly when a child is raised by a single parent. It makes perfect sense too. Parenthood is hard enough with two parents. I can't even imagine doing it alone.
I'm not sure there's a correlation between becoming a HS dropout, going to jail or abusing drugs and having been raised by a single parent - would love to see statistics on it. My own personal epxerience is that some of the most impressive young kids I know, both in their intelligence and emotional maturity, are being raised by single moms. I'm not sure why that is the case, and would love to have a better understanding of the drivers of good parenting...
Here's some stats for you. You can Google a lot more of the same. If you read it, you will find that it also applies to children raised in single parent families, not just divorce.
http://www.divorcereform.org/crime.html
"What I want to know who in their right minds would want to be a single parent? A couple of my best friends were and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies."
Because it's trendy these days...like getting a tattoo.
Or adopting an infant from a third-world country...non-American-born babies are Hollywood's hottest accessory these days...
I truly believe a lot of this depends on the support network and the circumstances under which someone becomes a single parent. I have a very close guy friend who was raised by his widowed grandfather, is one of the greatest guys I know.
I also know a girl who was raised by a high school drop out mother with drug problems, so yeah, you may fall into their footsteps.
As for me, let's see, I make more than the 50K you indicated, didn't drop out of high school (well, I did drop out of college).
MOST people who want to become a single parent do understand some of the hardships involved, many of us come from single parent households. I thank God that I do have a support network that would welcome my adopted child with open arms.
Again, I correlate all of this to CHOICE. If I were to be knocked up and unwed at 21, I'm sure my family wouldn't have the same response as they'd have today.
It really depends...Waiting for the planets to align can be a waste of life.
I have a BA, work a decent creative office job with a salary that is not high, and it also happens to give me a flexible schedule that allows me to drop my daughter at kindergarten and be there when she gets home. It is ideal.
Of course, I am not climbing any ladders financially or even career-wise right now, but my main life focus is my child and those are sacrifices I have made consciously...we live a simple life which is enriched by enjoying the world together...We have food, make time for soccer and ballet for her, go to museums and concerts, travel a little, rent a lovely home with a yard in a sweet little city that doesn't require me to own a car...
I put a tiny bit away in savings, but I wouldn't trade motherhood for a healthier 401k...especially these days when that is increasingly meaningless. It depends what you value. For me, there is more to life than the material. Those things won't hold your hand on your deathbed.
P.S. I don't leech from the system and my kid is bright and caring and beloved by a large family (her dad is involved, pays support, though he lives out of town.) I don't hate men, and I am NOT teaching my daughter to hate them. We both hope to meet nice ones someday. :)
Kira here's the thing, once you have children it is no longer about what you want.
That nuclear family you described is what works best for children, to have the yin and yang of male and female guide their development. It is selfish to say I don't need a man, what about what the kids need.
I am a single parent by divorce and try as I might I am one mortal person, I can't be everywhere I can't do everything. Heck it's hard for two people to raise children.
I'm sorry you waited thinking that the old rules didn't apply to you but they do.
I tell my 23yo daughter to mind the personal part of her life as well as she minds her career.
Amen!
Kira- you are not alone in this. While my sons are now 19 and 25 and having more children is not a desire or even a physical possibility, I can certainly relate to your thoughts and insight on what motherhood means.
My own heart took a couple of cupid's arrows, but then those same slender rods were ripped out and left me bleeding profusely all over the floor. Salvation came in the shape of two little boys and their
warm hugs, sticky kisses, and wide eyes that looked to me for answers to the big questions- Were do frogs come from Mom? What makes the sky rain? Will you love me forever and ever?
What is a family? For me, it's the two young men in my life that still look to me for the 'big' answers.
What is love Mom? How do I buy a house? Do you think I should ask her out?
And best of all- "I'll love you forever and ever Mom"
These are the cupid's arrows that hit and stuck and yes, we'll love one another 'forever and ever!'
Nice comment...made me laugh and remember my little ones. Life is about choices...if Kira wants a baby as a single mother, that is her choice. Will it be easy? Of course not but it was NOT easy raising two kids with a uninvolved father either but I chose to stay with him 'for the kids sake'. Hindsight (always 20-20) it was probably not the right thing for them nor me. Who knows but it was my choice...and that is what life is about....choices.
As the father of a gifted 12 year old daughter, you've given me (and her, in the future) much to think about.
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