Today, I want you to take a little trip back in time to when I was in college -- way back in the '90s. At the beginning of my sophomore year, a guy walked into Dante's (my cool campus job) and after a malt, cheesy popcorn and lots of witty banter, I was crushin' pretty hard. The problem was that I only knew his name and a little about him. So I did what every other lady did back then: I used Nancy Drew-like sleuthing skills and got to work. It took about two weeks, but I discovered which dorm he lived in, his major, that he was on swim team and a few other small details. I also found out, with a little help from Lady Luck, that he had a long-time girlfriend at another school. Although I was slightly bummed, it was fun to have a little crush, talk about it with my friends and keep my skills sharp in case the CIA ever came a-knockin'.
Fast forward to now. If I had met him today, within 10 minutes I would've known all the above info, including details like the fact that "The Hangover" is his favorite movie, that he's into indie rock and has a love for old school rap, that he has no interest in politics but loves roller coasters, Taco Bell and Megan Fox. I would've also seen pics of his friends (kinda dorky), his family dog (cute) as well as what could be his current or ex-girlfriend (boo). If I'd tried to dig deeper, I could've discovered that he's a regular on gaming sites and loves to debate the evils of mainstream music and record companies. Plus, it's easy to find nearly seven different ways to contact him. Without ever talking to him, I could've followed his daily life and let the crush bloom into full-blown smitten.
This is where we buy the ticket for the "crazy train."
I'm the first to admit that I'm little addicted to Facebook. I've also joked that I'm dating my Mac, judging by the amount of time I spend with it. But I wonder if this constant availability is really helping us when it comes to dating. Knowing everything about a person -- without having more than a 20 minute conversation with him or her -- allows our minds to judge (I don't want to date a gamer) or create unrealistic expectations and hopes for someone we barely know (he loves dogs... I love dogs!). Then, when we don't get that text, call, email or instant message, we're devastated, and it does a number on our self-esteem.
Sound familiar?
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate -- and not necessarily for the better. The bigger downside is that singles, new and old, have been left to figure it all out. Yay for you!
But technology doesn't have to ruin your love life. Here are three ways to keep it under control:
1. If you can't say it face-to-face, don't text, email, IM or Facebook it. Many times, we choose technology as a way to express our deepest feelings because it creates a wall of safety. Not having to see the other person's reaction allows us to feel that rejection won't hurt as much. However, we're losing out on the 60 percent of our communication that happens through body language. As a result, we take away only our perspective of the "conversation," which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt.
Just remember, before you send anything to your crush, make sure that it is something that you could look him or her in the eye and say. Otherwise, save it until you can.
2. Wait to become a "friend." I was very offended when a guy that I had gone on a few dates with didn't accept my friend request. Hello! We were making out! The least he could do is pretend to like me on Facebook. Once the kissing stopped and we became real friends, I asked him about it and he said that it is too easy to judge and jump to conclusions from someone's profile and photos. He wanted the people he dated to get to know him -- not just what he seemed like on his profile. Smart words.
Extra bonus: it keeps cyberstalking to a minimum and you off the crazy train.
3. Find time to put away the technology. Seriously. Texting is a severely flawed method of communication. You end up spending 80 percent of your time asking your friends, "What do you think that means?" Overanalzying a text message will only drive you crazy. Besides, when you're constantly talking, texting, listening to your iPod, and working on your laptop, you are missing the real life connections that start great relationships. How can you notice that smile or give someone the "OK" for an approach if you are too busy playing Angry Birds?
In short, it is okay to love your technology. Just don't use your technology for love.
Follow Kira Sabin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kirasabin
Steve Cooper: Finding Harmony Between Marriage and Technology
The Effect Of Technology On Relationships | Psychology Today
Technology Forges Relationships For Life - CBS News
Technology overload can ruin relationships: expert | Reuters
Technology helping, hurting relationships? - Standard-Examiner
I think what technology does is move our relationships into speed-dial mode. Everything these days is geared toward instant gratification. Fast, fast, fast!
On the downside, we are easily lured into thinking we know someone better than we actually do because we have so many communication avenues open to us online. But that just means a relationship that isn't meant to be is gonna fizzle out fast. I told a friend once you can always tell if an online relationship is gonna last after the first 2-3 months. If it's not for real, it will die within that time. That's a given.
So I do agree you also need in person communication too. You need that to balance out the online communication. No doubt about it!
I tend to be a little awkward and shy around new folks until I get comfortable. I communicate more easily in writing, so chatting online or texting is a comfortable way to get all that awkward smalltalk out of the way and start discovering little details about a new friend that might not have come up in awkward face-to-face conversation. Taking that time to discover things in common can be helpful, and faciliate a more comfortable face-to-face friendship.
In a day and age where we make friends in other cities, states, countries via facebook or chat rooms (not to mention use of dating sites) it could be a mistake ignoring the opportunities offered.
Just be smart about it, anything can be harmful in excess but a reasonably balanced level of online/offline interaction can be a good thing. Just don't go crazy stalker on the other person, and be honest "Hey I googled you today and was kind of curious about a posting I found on X site.."
Its easier to lie online than face to face, and when it comes especially to online dating I always recommend meeting face to face a few times (in well let, public places) before making any kind of commitments, and listen for any little twinges or warning bells that might go off...
But in moderation, go for it.
-Kira
Voice inflection and body language help to convey the meaning much better, and are certainly more fun/informational than typing, in my opinion...