THE BLOG

The Real Problem With Ghosting

04/29/2015 05:17 pm ET | Updated Jun 29, 2015

Ghosting.

I had not even heard the term "ghosting" until I was interviewed by an adorable 20-something blog a year ago. She asked me about it, so I had to bring myself up to speed. If you don't know what "ghosting" means, I'll tell you.

It is the newfangled word for "when people seriously suck and are too scared to let you know they are not interested."

Yes, not only does that exist but it is such a common phenomenon that we have made up a term for it. Seriously!?!

I hate this crap. Because it is just beneath us.

Don't worry. I am not going to rant on and on today about ghosting and how it is unacceptable and if you can't let someone know in a grown up way that you are not interested, then you should NOT be dating. After all, I already wrote that article two years ago here.

What I AM going to rant about is how much we let that crap get to us, and we have to stop.

You know what I'm talking about. When someone we (thought we) liked falls off the face of the earth, we let it take over our head space. We question our worth. We decide if we are lovable (usually for the worse). We let it shake our confidence to the core.

And we have to stop that, because here is the simple truth.

That person that you liked, went on a couple of dates with, gave your time and energy to, and were open to creating the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ON EARTH WITH (a relationship!) did not even take the time to let you know they were not interested. That person could not create a 20-second text. A one-minute Facebook message. A two-minute email. A five-minute phone call. Nothin'.

So I'm pretty sure they can't create a relationship.

That is total and complete and utter bullshit.

Newsflash: You do not want to date that. Not only for the obvious reasons, but because that is really a symptom of much bigger problems.

Problems you do not want. Problems that lead to lies, cheating, break-ups and divorce. I am not even being dramatic there. That is truth.

Your whole entire relationship, you are going to have to communicate. Solve problems together. Have compassion for your partner. Do the hard stuff that makes us uncomfortable, but is necessary. That is how love grows and healthy relationships work.

That is what we are looking for, Sugarpants.

And you know what it means when someone "goes ghost"?

It means they have just proven to you that they can't do that. For whatever reason, they are not there yet. No matter how great the dates were, once they felt something uncomfortable they checked out.

Yes, that sucks and can you send you reeling. "Did I do something wrong? Was I too much? Not enough? Did I offend? What just happened there? I was excited and thought this had potential!"

But slow down your brain and take a step back, sailor. It is always great to create some self awareness when you go in or are coming out of a situation, but to start beating yourself up over someone vanishing is doing no one any good here.

Because (once again), you don't want to date that. And you DEFINITELY don't want to doubt yourself or let it truly affect your confidence. That person has proven that they are not in a healthy place, so why would you take their word on something as important as how you feel about yourself?

And if you are a person who is doing this behavior, you need to check yourself! Know that I am shaking my head at you and have a few questions for you.

Why aren't you willing to be honest?

What's wrong with uncomfortable?

Why won't you be kind and let them know because it is the right thing to do?

What is going on there?

You need to figure that crap out.

Because here is another simple truth: You don't get to have all of the great stuff that comes with love and relationships and not the tough, uncomfortable stuff too. It doesn't work that way. You know it and I know it.

So the next time you get ghosted, it is ok to take a moment and be disappointed because you were interested. Because you liked someone. Because you thought there was potential. But then put it away. That person just proved that they were not really ready for a relationship anyway. And you learned an important lesson: that it's not your fault and has nothing to do with you.

So grab your prosecco and celebrate this: Believe it or not, there are awesome people who are ready and waiting to create something beautiful with you. Let's spend our time on that, OK Hot Pants?

I am here to help.

Want more genius articles like this one? Sign-up for The League of Adventurous Singles newsletter!