THE BLOG
03/13/2013 01:40 pm ET Updated May 13, 2013

Don't Be Offended. Seriously, Don't.

Recently, our country was shaken to its core by two events that future historians will mark as the point-of-no-return for America's long slide into moral depravity. I am speaking of course about The Oscars, and a sketch on Saturday Night Live called "Djesus Uncrossed." I am not going to rehash either here because this is a time for healing. However, I would like to take a moment to address the people who have spent hours blogging, boycotting, emailing, and tweeting their disgust. In short, I would like to speak to the offended, and I would like to say this:

No one cares that you're offended.

Literally no one. Okay, maybe your mom, but even she wishes you would take it down a notch. The offense you've taken at something you saw on TV is completely and utterly irrelevant to anyone other than yourself. Taking offense is just that, something you willingly take, and you have every right to do so. But once you take it, that mess is yours and yours alone.

I'm not saying people shouldn't be offended by anything. There are plenty of things in this world that are truly offensive and worthy of our thoughtful attention. But I would argue that your hypersensitive overreaction to some televised comedy bits is far more harmful to our nation's wellbeing than the bits themselves. I mean, how can we continue calling ourselves The Home of the Brave if we collectively shit our pants over every little boob and/or Jesus joke?

I know you're going to say that you're just trying to protect your children, but ask yourself what kind of message your reactionary hissy-fits are sending them? Certainly not one of bravery. At your funeral, do you think your kids will stand up and say, "My mother was so brave. In 2013 she got Sears to pull their ads from 'Saturday Night Live' for six whole weeks because she didn't think a sketch they did was funny." Probably not. But they might remember you sitting at a computer sending angry emails while they really just wanted you to take them to the park.

But I don't blame you entirely. Being offended has become an epidemic in America. In fact, it's become an industry. Scores of non-profit organizations have been created with the sole purpose of getting butthurt at things, and then trying to convince you that you should be butthurt, too. The Parent's Television Council, One Million Moms, The American Family Association, etc.--all exist solely to spread phony outrage about one perceived offense or another. Their goal, they say is to inform and advise, but in reality they're just humorless busybodies who believe that their opinions are more valid than others. Oh, and it's also a good way to make money.

They'll start some online boycott or petition, which will then trend on Twitter for a couple hours. Some cable news producer, desperate for content, will put them on TV, which only validates the busybody's already overinflated sense of entitlement. Their website gets more traffic; they get more tax-exempt donations; and another finger wagging, "family-advocacy" organization gets more control over what we all see and hear. But what makes this dangerous is that these people embolden other busybodies watching at home to "take a stand" (i.e. cry like a bitch) when anything, no matter how insignificant, "offends" them. And their incessant whining is making us weaker as a nation.

People are having to remove t-shirts before they board planes so as not to offend other passengers. They're having to peel bumper stickers from their cars so offended co-workers won't have to see them in the parking lot. Textbooks are being rewritten, stand-up comics are second-guessing their jokes, all because some thin-skinned brats think the world should bend over backwards so they don't have to experience a single moment of discomfort.

How does that make us better, or stronger, or smarter, or more prepared for the difficult challenges we all must face in our lives? It doesn't. It just makes us a nation of pussies.

And if that offends you, who cares?

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