In an effort to triple down on his claim that a man could marry his horse in Massachusetts, Arizona senate candidate, J.D. Hayworth flew to Martha's Vineyard yesterday with his prize winning thoroughbred filly, Whinny.
He chose Martha's Vineyard both for Whinny's comfort -- lots of wide open space and beaches for riding -- and because he was unaware (much to his publicity assistant's chagrin) that the Town Hall of Gay Head had been renamed Aquinnah a few years back.
Upon entering Aquinnah's Town Hall, Mr. Hayworth was greeted cordially by the Town Registrar, Millicent Lovey. This reporter, having received an anonymous tip from someone deep in the bowels of the Hayworth campaign, was there to record the exchange. The following is an official transcript of what transpired:
HAYWORTH: I'm here with my beloved horse, Whinny, to obtain a marriage license.
HAYWORTH: I said I'm here to obtain a marriage license for me and my horse.
MILLICENT: But . . .
HAYWORTH: Don't you "but" me, my good woman. The Massachusetts Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom -- get this - defined marriage as "the establishment of intimacy." I love my horse very much and would like to marry her. I demand that you issue me a license immediately.
MILLICENT: Are you saying that you've been intimate with that horse?
HAYWORTH: Certainly not!
MILLICENT: 'Cause if you were, I'm afraid I'd have to have you arrested.
HAYWORTH: I'm NOT saying that!
MILLICENT: 'Cause sex with animals is against the law you know.
HAYWORTH: I'M NOT SAYING THAT!!!!!!!!
MILLICENT: It falls under the heading of cruelty to animals.
HAYWORTH: I am NOT saying that I was intimate with my horse. Rather, I have an intimate relationship with her -- I love my horse -- and since Massachusetts has now defined the threshold as "the establishment of intimacy" I am here to prove a point about the slippery slope of extending marriage to gay people.
MILLICENT: So Whinny's a stallion?
HAYWORTH: NO, she's a filly.
MILLICENT: And -- what -- she's gay?
MILLICENT: I'm sorry; I'm just not following you.
HAYWORTH: Oh god ...
MILLICENT: I mean why on earth would a lesbian horse want to marry you?
HAYWORTH: SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN. SHE'S A PERFECTLY HEALTHY HETEROSEXUAL FILLY AND I WANT TO MARRY HER.
MILLICENT: Honey, look, the law clearly states that marriage is between two consenting adults and unless you've got a horse whisperer out there who can definitively tell me that Whinny consensually wants to enter into a marriage with you ...
HAYWORTH: That's beside the point ...
MILLICENT: No, dear, it's very much to the point. Even if I could accept your argument that you love your horse and you want to marry her, Whinny would need to sign this application in order to give her consent to marry you.
HAYWORTH: Fine, I'll bring her in ...
MILLICENT: The hell you will! Animals are not allowed in here. Anyway, even if I asked her if she consented, all she could answer was "neigh." Get it "neigh," like "nay"?
(At this point the room erupted in laughter)
HAYWORTH: Are you making fun of me?
MILLICENT: No, dear, I was just trying to lighten the mood. You seem a bit upset.
HAYWORTH: Just take the application outside to her.
MILLICENT: How's she gonna hold a pen? She's got no fingers or opposable thumbs!!!
HAYWORTH: My assistant has already inked her hoof and all she has to do is stamp the dotted line.
MILLICENT: Am I being punk'd?
HAYWORTH: I have no idea what that means.
MILLICENT: Let's try this another way. How old is Whinny?
HAYWORTH: She'll be four this May.
MILLICENT: Well, honey, you're shit out of all kinds of luck 'cause consenting adults need to be at least 18 years of age to marry in Massachusetts.
HAYWORTH: But in Arizona with a court order, anyone under 15 ...
MILLICENT: I don't give a flying feed-bag what the laws are in Arizona, butch; you're in Martha's Vineyard now.
HAYWORTH: I don't think I like your tone.
MILLICENT: And I don't think I like the idea of some miserable horse's ass trying to force his innocent lesbian filly into an inter-species marriage.
HAYWORTH: SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point Hayworth leapt across the counter and started strangling Millicent. Just then a mounted cop was riding by and was flagged down by the now frightened workers of the Town Hall. He quickly dismounted, bounded into the hall and proceeded to wrestle Mr. Hayworth off of Millicent. The officer then managed to handcuff Hayworth and read him his Miranda rights, pulling him to his feet in the process.
Hayworth screamed once again "MY HORSE IS NOT A LESBIAN, GODAMMIT" as the police officer led him outside where a squad car was now waiting.
Meanwhile, Whinny, it seems, had taken a shine to the mounted cop's horse, Nelly. They were nuzzling affectionately as the crying, ranting, mouth-frothing Hayworth rode away in the squad car.