Relationships are not just between a man and a woman. We have relationships with children and with our pets too. Sometimes it falls to us as adults to help a child deal with the passing of a beloved four-footed family member. When that happens we need to be very careful in our explanations.
A friend, whose elderly, beloved old yellow Labrador, Good Dog, had passed away, told her four-year-old son, "Good Dog went to live with Kristen for a while."
The problem was that she told him this without first giving me a head's up. As fate would have it, I ran into them at the post office and the first thing the child asked was why Good Dog wanted to live with me and not him. He then wanted to know when he could visit Good Dog. I was clueless but had the presence of mind to let mom handle the awkward moment.
Dealing with the passing of a well-loved pet is usually a small child's first experience with death. It is a harsh reality because it is permanent and children can't fathom permanent. Children only know that their animal family member is no longer in their daily lives. How can we explain something as profound as death to a child, when we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with it ourselves?
My friend was acting in a kind, protective manner to her son by saying that his dog was living with a friend, but it was momentary comfort because inevitably, the child would want to come and visit Good Dog. She was only postponing the time when she had to tell him the truth.
The two questions we have to ask ourselves about dealing with this situation are:
How should we tell our children about this topic? What will they understand?
The words "age appropriate" play a key role in talking to children about any subject. A child of 10 or older is worldlier when it comes to certain topics. They may have studied the ancient Egyptians and the elaborate tombs of the Pharaohs in a social studies class, thus having some concept of life and after-life. You can explain what has happened a little more easily to the 10 and over group.
But a child under the age of seven doesn't really comprehend permanent loss. When a little girl told me that a relative was in heaven, she was only parroting what adults had told her. She followed her statement up a second later with the question, "What's heaven?"
There is no right or wrong way to talk to your child about this. Everything is subjective, and your personal beliefs play a major role in our explanations. If your family is deeply religious and strongly believes in an afterlife, then it is possible to gently explain the situation. Children are comforted by beliefs that play a major role in their family life. Be prepared that your child may also question whether you yourself, or other family members, are going to die. This fear becomes strong in children after the loss of a pet. Choose words carefully.
Whatever you tell your child; be gentle in your explanation. You are saddened over losing your family pet too and it does help the child to know this. Talk about the good times you both had with their pet. Don't be brutally honest. They do not need to know that their pet suffered in any way. Long explanations are unnecessary; answer only the questions that they ask and answer kindly. Be aware that children are great listeners to adult conversation, so be careful what you say to another adult when you think the children are too busy to hear you. They are listening.
Be respectful of even the youngest child's grieving process. Children need to mourn the loss of their pet. Do not "replace" their beloved pet immediately. Take time before you bring a new animal family member into your home.
Children understand so much more than we realize. Their innate curiosity and "need to know" makes them question all of life. Your attitude, your kindness, and your strength will give your child coping skills that they will carry into adulthood.
To read more from Kristen Houghton, peruse her articles at Kristen Houghton.com and visit her Keys to Happiness blog. Also, take a look inside her book, "And Then I'll Be Happy!" You may e-mail her at
kch@kristenhoughton.com.
Read the book that's sweeping the country, "And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First"
Follow Kristen Houghton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kristenhoughton
I also work at the library and there is a wonderful book about the death of a pet called "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney."
One: Don't lie to the child and tell them the dog went to live with relatives. When they find out the truth, they will wonder what else you lied about. Plus, it doesn't allow them the opportunity to grieve and understand.
Two: As a profession, we're trying to get away from the phrase "put to sleep." This can scare kids into thinking they'll die if they go to sleep. Use the phrase "put down" if they're too young to understand the word euthanasia.
Three: I firmly believe all owners should be present when a pet is euthanized. It allows them to see how humane and peaceful it can be, and they don't later feel anxiety wondering exactly how it was done or whether it was something horrible.
I feel privileged to be able to offer animals a humane and peaceful alternative that is not available to people. Maybe one day it will be.
Parents owe their children life lessons in independence, self reliance, confidence and of course the best education possible.
Would-be parents not prepared to raise children like this should reconsider having kids.
When I see how many adults are moving back in with parents, borrowing money from parents and others to get by - I cannot help but notice how ill-equipped so many of them were from a an early age. This has been going on for far longer than the recession we are experiencing.