11/18/2013 03:17 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2014

An Open Letter to Marissa Mayer About the Yahoo Review Process

Hey there, Marissa!

First off, I'm so sorry I haven't written lately. I've been busy managing my new global team, now that all those WFH slackers have been let go.

Who says you can't manage 72 people across six different time zones?

Not you! The best part: I never have to worry about getting enough face time at the office. Am I right?

Let me just say that I think you're doing a bang-up job at Yahoo! The nursery looks AMAZING!

All those stuffed animals make for cozy power napping between my conference calls with India and China!

Like I was saying, everything is going great! And now that I only see my family on weekends, I'm even more productive at the office -- where everyone should be! Am I right?

I just have a couple of concerns about our review process.

I know stack ranking and a forced curve can't hurt power ladies like us. We were born to be at the top!

But I am a little worried about the people on my team who work hard, but don't have as much to show for it. You know the type -- great disposition, love to help, care about the customer, can be counted on to say what they really think, even when it's not what you want to hear. So tiresome!

Thing is, my team really likes these people, and it seems unfair to get rid of them for being only above average. Besides, who's going to support the 35 percent of my team that always exceeds expectations? There really is no "I" in "team," but try telling that to these folks. It's all "me, me, me," all the time.

Thanks for reading, Ms. M. I knew you'd understand. You always do!

Yours truly,

*An imaginary Yahoo employee